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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

s it more common to not have been in a relationship before if you're autistic?

18 replies

kitkattwirlcake · 18/10/2021 17:57

DS is 21 and is autistic, he has never been in a relationship and also I think is a virgin I don't know for sure as I've never asked him but that's my feeling. He wonders whether he will ever be in one and would like to be in one. I think he feels so far he has never lived an adult experience, he lived at home during uni and has never been in a nightclub or been to a festival. Is my DS experience typical of an young autistic adult? I know not being in relationship before at 21 is normal for neurotypical people, just wondered if it is more common for neurodiverse adults?

OP posts:

Original poster

kitkattwirlcake · 18/10/2021 17:58

I missed out the I in is, I apologize!

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 18/10/2021 18:19

Yes I think so. Dh has aspergers syndrome and I was his 2nd girlfriend. Ds is only 13 but already struggles massively with relationships. He has aspergers syndrome too.

elliejjtiny · 18/10/2021 18:21

When I say he struggles massively with relationships he hasn't actually had a relationship yet. He asked a girl out once but it didn't end very well.

nosyupnorth · 18/10/2021 18:22

I think it is. For people with that sort of neurodivergence they often relate socially in ways that can mean it can be harder to find people they get along with/would be interested in a relationship. Particularly at the school stage when their peers are very much decided by age/academics there may just be nobody who sparks that sort of compatability, but as they get into adulthood and can find friends and relationships based on commonalities options can open up. Covid has probably made this harder as there are fewer social options in general right now.

Pythonista · 18/10/2021 18:25

I had ASD (diagnosed last year) and was incredibly promiscuous in my twenties but longest relationship I have had is just over two years.

Stopped having emotional relationships at 28, stopped having sex at 30 as in I decided.. Now 51 and the idea of having a physical or emotional relationship with anyone makes me want to vomit to be honest.

MumDadBingoBLUEY · 18/10/2021 18:26

I'm autistic, and didn't start seeing anybody until I was 18+. A handful of short, awful, relationships until I had a couple of more meaningful ones at 21. One of whom is still my DP.

Common in autistic friends/exes - for the ND exes I have, I was their first or second relationship, and they were all a few years older than me.

tootiredtospeak · 18/10/2021 18:26

It is of mine he is 20 just and can barely keep up a friendship never mind a relationship. Definitely a virgin. Hoping it comes in time.

Pythonista · 18/10/2021 18:27

So yes I think it can be harder but depends - I'm happier for not being involved with anyone as I'm a loner anyway, also being able to avoid the complications of reading people

picklemewalnuts · 18/10/2021 18:28

I'm my husband's first and only. It was a decision on his part, I'd say. He's very decisive.

Pythonista · 18/10/2021 18:29

Although I was raped as a 15 yo virgin so I don't know if it is that or my ASD that makes me how I am

FatCatThinCat · 18/10/2021 18:30

I think it's fairly typical of males with autism. My DH was 30 when I'd me him and I was his first relationship. It's why he's such as good husband as he truly values being in a relationship. I'm also autistic as is my DD and we both had several relationships quite young.

Ted27 · 18/10/2021 18:37

well I suppose the first thing to say is that night clubs and festivals aren't everyone's cup of tea. I'm 56, a massive music fan and I have never liked nightclubs or gone to a big festival.

My son is 17, and is autistic. He has had one girlfriend when he was 15, but she lives too far away, so they decided to be just friends. She is also autistic and they have a great friendship, it's a shame she doesn't live closer. He gets on very well with several other girls ( my friends daughters)

He has a good social life though, church, scouts, National Citizen Service and a new Duke of Edinburgh group. He was hampered by lockdown and restrictions on socialising at college, no girls on his course. I think its just a matter of time though.
He has got better with practice, some of his early attempts to be sociable were painful to watch. He still does a lot better in groups that he's got to know over time.
What is your son like generally socialising ? Like anyone who wants a relationship, he will have to make an effort though.
What interests does he have ?

VladmirsPoutine · 18/10/2021 18:41

Yes. One of my exes was autistic he was early 40s and our relationship involved many 'firsts' for him. The relationship was a bit testing at times but with a lot of patience it worked. He was very black and white and had to learn certain things about say emotionally reading someone. He was also one of the kindest men I've ever met.

Queenoftheflumps02 · 18/10/2021 18:44

My DS is 22 and autistic. He's never been in a relationship, but really dose not seem to mind. Also not helped that at university, where lots of relationships are obviously formed, he did a very male dominated degree and his hobby is also somewhat male dominated! Actually meeting people, who may be interested in a relationship would be his first hurdle,

I think on balance it is harder for ASD people to start and maintain a relationships simply because they are neurodiverse and the day to day "challenges" they face impact forming relationships. For instance, if someone was interested in my DS, they would have to be very obvious and quite blunt for him to notice.

Do you think your DS would like to be in a relationship?

Waspsarearseholes · 18/10/2021 18:46

I can only speak of one person I know, so it really is an extremely limited sample, and no two people are the same but my friend's brother is autistic and has always struggled with relationships of all kinds. He has learnt that hand shaking/quick cuddle/cheek kiss is a common way of greeting people but it is very uncomfortable and dare I say awkward for all parties as you can tell it's not something that comes naturally to him. He says he'd like friends and a partner but it'd have to be on his terms and of course, most relationships don't really thrive on that kind of one-wayness if one person prefers more mutual relationships. I'd like to think there's someone for everyone though so I do hope he meets someone who shares his outlook and goals one day.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/10/2021 19:15

I know that not all people with ASD are the same, but your post made me think of this man who insists the woman must live less than 5 miles away.

Original poster

kitkattwirlcake · 18/10/2021 19:16

Yes I do think DS would like to be in a relationship, I don't know if this is related in any way to ASD but DS has said that he can never take a good picture and if someone takes picture of him he always looks awkward and it does not natural.

OP posts:

bigbluebus · 18/10/2021 19:25

DS had an 18 month relationship with someone he shared a flat with in his 1st year at Uni. They broke up 3 months before Covid hit so he didn't really have much opportunity to get into another relationship. He's back home now working in a supermarket whilst he looks for a job in his chosen subject but he works at night and mostly works with men so not going to meet anyone there (which is fine as he doesn't want to stay around here). He never liked nightclubs although he did go as he got dragged there by his friends. He wouldn't dream of going to a festival though - he might consider a small one we go to every year (2000 people) but not Leeds/Reading/Glastonbury.

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