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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He wants to move back, I want to stay, what do we do?

16 replies

IslandGirl5 · 18/10/2021 14:42

I really don’t know what to do here. Me, my DH and DD (14 months) recently moved abroad. We’ve been here a few months now and it hasn’t been easy, I’m the expat out of us both so getting me ready to work has taken longer than expected and DH has worked long days and is exhausted, I’ve looked after DD almost 24/7 and am exhausted as we don’t have much support here in that way. We’ve also been loving payday to payday with only one of us working which is a stress in itself.

DH has not been having a good time, I appreciate that and try and do what I can to make sure he has time to wind down, that he is listened to. Only this month has our DD started half days at nursery and I’ve started working properly part time. It’ll make a huge difference for us but by now DH just hates everything. The house, his job, things are harder here, less efficient, not run as well etc

However, I quite like it. It’s harder in many ways but it’s a beautiful place with so much to offer and so much potential for us with work and lifestyle. I do not like where we came from. I went abroad and travelled when younger and wanted to stay out and work while I could but came home with my then boyfriend because he hated it and I regretted it since. I’m now in the same boat, DH often snaps (not at me just the general situation, our communication is relatively good) at the smallest things and says how much he wants to go home but when we talk about it properly and calmly we decide to stay. Then something else happens and repeat. I really want to give it longer, I was not in a happy place where we came from but he’s struggling here. I need advice, how do we tackle this when we both want different things?

OP posts:

ScottishNewbie · 18/10/2021 14:46

I've travelled constantly for the last 10 years, both with and without a partner. I would say it takes at least 6 months to settle in somewhere, even up to a year.
Sometimes having an end date can psychologically be helpful.
I would sit him down and say that you want you both to give it your best shot for 12 months. You're willing to communicate until then, but there won't be any discussion of leaving and you'll both throw yourselves into the experience. At the 12 month mark, you will sit down and re discuss.

That way you're not constantly going over it with him and you both give it a chance.
Then, you can either both stay, both leave, or one of you will leave.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/10/2021 14:53

Would you still feel the same about the place if you and your DH split up and you have to manage there on your own? Could you manage financially. That would be my concern with an unhappy partner in a country that wasn't my own.

Tal45 · 18/10/2021 15:02

I agree with pp that putting a time limit on it might help. If you agree to give it your very best shot for 12 months and then agree that if he is still very unhappy you will look to leave it might help him.

lynxca16 · 18/10/2021 15:07

Can only totally agree with ScottishNewbie it takes at least 12 months to settle anywhere even a new house/neighbourhood!

His snapping is his reaction to moving, worry, working and financial stress. Now you are also working would that allow him or both of you to enjoy some leisure time?

I do hope it works out for you all as those early months are for everyone moving abroad very testing to say the least and you do have good communication and respect within your relationship.

dreamingbohemian · 18/10/2021 15:13

It sounds like you're living in DH's home country? Which he decided to leave at some point because he wasn't happy there, just like you don't want to go back to your home country because you weren't happy there.

I sympathise with him, I think it's a bit different when someone doesn't want to live in their home country, there are all sorts of anxieties and baggage tied up with that. We can never live in France again for this reason : )

I think it's fair to ask him to stick it out for 12 months but if he's really unhappy then I think it's fair for him to ask to move back. Couldn't you move back to a different area, one that's nicer?

SickAndTiredAgain · 18/10/2021 15:33

What was the reason for the move initially?

Original poster

IslandGirl5 · 18/10/2021 17:12

Yes I totally agree about the time frame! We actually booked return flights 6 months apart (which was the longest we could do) and said this would be our trial but it’s taken so long to get sorted and it’s almost over! I’ll suggest resetting the time frame now we’re sorted with me working and look at making changes to help us both work on a better routine

Initially he moved from this country as a child after his mum passed away, he regularly visited as an adult and loved the idea of moving back. Due to Covid we both lost our jobs and just decided “fck it let’s move and try while we have nothing to loose! So there’s a lot for him to take in being back here properly too. I totally get that. And I think I would be happy in a different area of the U.K. if we moved back, I just feel like we need longer here to really see what life will be like and to make the most of it!

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 18/10/2021 17:18

Is it possible for him to change his job if that’s making him so unhappy? I’d ask him to consider making some changes to your life there before throwing in the towel and coming home. I think you do need to agree a timescale after which you’ll come back if things haven’t improved.

Ask him to give it another year with you working, nursery established and him looking for a job move. Things might seem very different.

Also, make sure you do some of the things that made it appealing in the first place. Surfing, skiing, mountain walks lovely food, whatever makes that place special.

Original poster

IslandGirl5 · 18/10/2021 17:42

@MatildaTheCat yes! We’ve lost sight of why we came here by being so caught up with work and trying to make money to make things easier that we’ve not been to the beach in weeks which is free! We had a day out on a friends boat the other week which definitely perked him up for a bit

OP posts:

Original poster

IslandGirl5 · 18/10/2021 18:05

Feel like I also need to add that one of us staying and one going isn’t an option! We’re otherwise very happy together with no major issues and our beautiful DD so it’s something that we will need to navigate together, just feeling at a loss with it sometimes!

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 18/10/2021 18:09

Tell us country and dh work issues

purplecorkheart · 18/10/2021 18:20

Would both of you consider moving to a different country not necessary the one you left?
Can he change careers? Is your visa dependent on him? It is hard to advice without knowing the country and if you both need visas to be there etc.

IdontPracticeSanteria · 18/10/2021 18:23

Not agreeing on where to live ended my marriage. We had both tried living in the other person's country and so reached an unfortunate stalemate.

It's been horrible and we have a young child.

Opposite side of the world countries were involved with us though.

FinallyHere · 18/10/2021 19:12

My parents moved around a lot.

My mother always said that 'the first year doesn't count'. Giving yourselves six months to decide was very tight. I'd give it another six months then, if he still isn't happy, start looking for new jobs.

Original poster

IslandGirl5 · 23/10/2021 09:12

Sorry it’s taken a while to write back! The last few days have been very busy and with my DH not being in the best headspace a lot is currently falling on me.

Yes my work visa is a dependant work visa so is reliant on me being married to him. He can change jobs if he wishes, we did have a good chat about him just reducing his hours now I’m working and bring in alright money. He’s a people pleaser and will take on extra clients and not want to drop them as clients if they ask for times that don’t work for him (he’s a personal trainer)

I don’t want to specify the country as its small and quite niche and I have a few online followers for my business so don’t want to give anything away but it’s a small tropical island which means things run on island time, it’s slow, not efficient, hard to buy things we need that we used to just be able to order online in the U.K. and recieve the next day! Things cost so much more due to import costs etc so things can be hard and frustrating but there’s so much that’s good about it too.

We would consider another country but it’s tricky with Covid still! This made most sense as it’s his home country so we have it easier than if we both tried to go to a whole new country

OP posts:

Valeriekat · 23/10/2021 12:20

You can't keep moving back and forth. Moving back to the UK would mean more disruption and starting all over again. You really don't want to do that. However a short holiday away from where you are may make him feel less foreign and also appreciate more where you are now. Is that possible? A short holiday to Australia helped me enormously when I first moved to Singapore.

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