DH's work

[Mamma43435]

I work full-time and WFH. DH is a SAHD by choice and looks after DS who has SEN. He has the tougher job no question. And he misses work but doesn't know what to do with his life, so by default he is staying at home and does an ok job. He was down in the dumps for a while but exercise helped.

He started doing some freelance work which I support because it keeps his mind active and improves his job prospects for when he does want to go back to work.

The problem is that he doesn't take it very seriously. He leaves it to the last minute, ends up working through the night, and is in a terrible mood to look after DS the next day. Or he does a bad job or misses his deadlines.

Basically he has limited hours in the day - looking after DS/housework, exercise, work and downtime and also. You think the downtime or exercise should be sacrificed in the face of a deadline, but no, it's looking after DS or sleep. And then I have to pick up the pieces and it eats into my working hours.

I feel like a nag, telling him to get on with it, like my mother telling me to do homework. But it annoys me so much! We've talked about it and he agrees, but when it comes to it, he is so tired after looking after DS, he wants his downtime or to go out and exercise. I guess for me, after a day after looking after DS, work feels like an escape, so I can't understand.

What to do? If I leave him to it, he'll probably get fired from freelancing and spiral into more depression and even less hope of working in the future.

Does your DS go to school?? From your post I can’t tell.

If he does, then you are perfectly within your rights to expect him to do his work when DSis in school.

If he doesn’t go to school, you are being very unreasonable. You can work because your partner looks after DS. You’re expecting him to look after DS throughout the day and then when you finish work, start?? Not sure that’s reasonable.

Kid free time is much more valuable to a stay at home parent - you can’t even go to the toilet some days without somebody crawling up your leg… he needs his down time as much as everybody does.

If he’s working, there should be childcare in place for him to do so.

DS is too young for school. Because of SEN he's not suitable for childcare either.

I do get that DH should have down time. But he shouldn't be taking the freelance work then - he's letting his clients down. I would think it's better to work steadily in your downtime than to do everything at the last minute over night and suffer and make everyone around you suffer, the following days. If he doesn't get a night's sleep, it affects him for days.

Since I WFH, I am able to help on and off. But there are days when I give up my working hours so he can finish his work. Or I use my leave so he can make a deadline - really poor use of it I think.

You’re expecting him to look after DS throughout the day and then when you finish work, start?? Not sure that’s reasonable.

I'm not sure when else you expect him to work. I also take DS out for the whole weekend so he can have time at home to work, and we come back to find he's done hardly any of it. It's really disappointing because it means he's going to have to stress out about it on Sunday night.

And when I finish my working day, having spent some of it looking after DS, I take over with DS for the evening and all night (DS is also a terribly sleeper).

Anyway three money he makes from freelancing wouldn't cover childcare. It's not for money for sure. It supposed to be for his sanity, but he's making it really hard for himself.

Sounds like he is well out of the habit of effective time management.

Grown up chat required. He has to make better decisions... and only he can do that for himself!

You can't make him sort himself out, he's a grown up and you're not his mum. Maybe he will just have to dedicate himself to being a SAHD for now and face the issue of returning to work when the time comes. If he can't or won't do the freelance work now then it isn't going to benefit his CV anyway.

Working is energising I find and so I normally can’t function after a day at home with the kids, but I can if I’ve been to work - this is why I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable. If he’s like me he may be totally wiped after being with the child and not have much energy for anything at all. I think it’s different for example going to work and then coming home and doing it for a couple of hours till bed time.

However your SEN child does sound like a 24-7 job so maybe it is slightly different and maybe he just shouldn’t work!

He sounds disorganised, but also he's a SAHP to a child with SEN and is working. It feels a bit unreasonable to expect him to use his downtime to work when he's on SAHP duty the rest of the time.
If my friends with children with SEN are anything to go by then being a SAHP is quite full on, which might mean he finds it difficult to be work ready on demand to do his freelance work.

You could both do with allocating time in the week for your hours and his freelance hours, downtime for each of you and time as a family.

I completely see your POV OP. Maybe freelancing is doing more harm than good? Causing stress and friction, not building (perhaps harming) his professional reputation. Why not knock it on the head and review in a year? You can't make him improve his approach, no sign he's going to do so voluntarily. Just remove it as a pressure point entirely.

Why are most of the posters here missing that the OP wasn't the one asking him to work, and has said she supported the idea, but that she was fine for him to stop?

I can see why he but wants to do it, but also why it's so hard. He needs to make some choices.

Could there be a way for you to go to 4 days and he have a clear day to do freelance work? Still a reliable income, plus some time with ds for you and working identity and ongoing CV references for him.

I can't go to 4 days unfortunately - I make substantially more than him and it pays for DS' therapy. My job doesn't allow for it either. Effectively I am working fewer hours during the day because DH can't juggle being a SAHD, his work, his exercise and downtime all at once. I end up making up for it late at night.

*freelancing is doing more harm than good"

Yes this, but equally he was suffering by not working at all. Exercising has really improved his mental health too. Can't seem to come up with a solution.

I have suggested he work in the mornings when DS is still asleep and while he still has energy but he doesn't always do this.

I just don't understand his priorities. If I have a pressing deadline I will spend my free time working to get on it or I will skip the gym. I would hate working through the night and doing a rubbish job that will be evaluated and I would get feedback on. We are both terrible without sleep (I've not had an unbroken night since DS was born) - we both get impatient and DS is the one that suffers - but at least I can function and work, DH can't. DH will have a day with DS, often with me on hand, then have his downtime, get some exercise, spends time recovering, then helps me with DS bedtime and then goes to sleep! Repeat until the day before his deadline and then mad rush to get it done. Then the following days he is recovering from the effort and is a mess, and I have to pick up with DS and it impacts my work. It makes no sense to me to do 6 evenings of self care, only to undo it all in one night?

You could both do with allocating time in the week for your hours and his freelance hours, downtime for each of you and time as a family.

Yes in practice but it rarely works out that way - there's not actually time in the week to do everything. Family time is sacrificed in the weekends so DH can work or have time on his own. I'm using my annual leave just so DH can work (financially it makes NO sense) and it's quite disappointing to come home and find he's not had a very productive day. Once I took DS out for this very reason, forgot something, so we came back within 5 mins, and found him setting up his games console. I didn't want to say anything at that moment and ruin his day, but I felt a bit betrayed, like he'd broken our deal.

I think he’s being incredibly selfish. He’s expecting you to compromise your job, which pays for all of your lives, because he’s being childish and has taken on something that he’s half arsing.

I’ve got a 2 year old, mostly SAHM but I started a small business a year ago and I’m now also working ad hoc hours with some deadlines for someone else.

I work when she’s napping or once DH has finished and they have some time together before or after dinner and at the weekends.

I cannot imagine asking DH to take a day off because I refused to get stuff done on time. I don’t expect free weekends either, that’s family time.

He took this on, it was his idea, you’re doing too much to facilitate it. You have to stop stepping in and start letting him fail and you definitely have to be clear that staying up all night so he’s in a grump with DS the day after, when he had other options, is unacceptable.

When do you get down time? How often are you free to exercise?

Yes that's what really upsetting me - that my job, which pays for everything, including private therapy for DS, is being compromised. If I lost it we'd be really screwed.

I'm doing better with marking out my own time nowadays to get some exercise after work. But it's hard not to feel guilty because I know how demanding DS can be, and every hour I spend away is another hour DH has to keep going for DS.

I think I'm struggling to set limits because of DH's mental health. There are other background factors, but he's very much on his own otherwise, no support network, and he's been somewhat down or depressed for the last few years. I've been encouraging him to get exercise to give himself some head space, and yes to work, but I can see now he can't do all three - sometimes one has to be compromised. So he picks exercise and head space, but doesn't give up work completely, and then that eats into my time and DS' time. But what can I do? When he went through a quiet patch for work, his mood turned again. We certainly can't afford more therapy for him too.

@Mamma43435

DS is too young for school. Because of SEN he's not suitable for childcare either.

I do get that DH should have down time. But he shouldn't be taking the freelance work then - he's letting his clients down. I would think it's better to work steadily in your downtime than to do everything at the last minute over night and suffer and make everyone around you suffer, the following days. If he doesn't get a night's sleep, it affects him for days.

Since I WFH, I am able to help on and off. But there are days when I give up my working hours so he can finish his work. Or I use my leave so he can make a deadline - really poor use of it I think.

Could you go back to the office?

He’s relying on you far too much,

Hey op, I understand where you're coming from. Would your husband be interested in studying do you think? Looks good when he returns to work, builds self esteem, more flexible than paid work, and less likely to damage his professional reputation than badly managed freelance work. Granted, this doesn't sort out the time management issue but could be worth considering?

Could you go back to the office?

I have been when I have pressing work to do. But there's no question DS benefits but having me around too. We are moving from WFH to hybrid working next year so we'll see.

Would your husband be interested in studying do you think?

He has advanced degrees, he probably doesn't need to study any more. He had t talked about retraining but not taken any concrete steps. I'm in favour of either if he's committed to it. I'm just not sure he will be any better with time management. He needs a proper office job tbh because he's terrible at getting things done on his own.

I feel sorry for him. I understand financially your job needs to take priority, but his mental health is important and if work helps improve that then you need to step up and help him find time for it.

I think you need to have a discussion as a family as to what your priorities really are. If he wants to work then agree how many hours per week he is going to do, and who is going to care for DS at that time. Can you compress your hours? Take an extended lunch while he does a few hours work?

Money isn’t everything, it isn’t fair to completely prioritise your job when he clearly needs to work as well.

@Tigerwhocameforsupper

I feel sorry for him. I understand financially your job needs to take priority, but his mental health is important and if work helps improve that then you need to step up and help him find time for it.

I think you need to have a discussion as a family as to what your priorities really are. If he wants to work then agree how many hours per week he is going to do, and who is going to care for DS at that time. Can you compress your hours? Take an extended lunch while he does a few hours work?

Money isn’t everything, it isn’t fair to completely prioritise your job when he clearly needs to work as well.

So OP works full time all week, and then takes DS out the whole weekend, and you still think she needs to do more?

What about her mental health, that will soon start to suffer after all this extra pressure on her.

Does he want to work in his job or does he just want to do something productive away from your DS? Because both would be understandable, but can be dealt with in different ways.

I’m SAHP to a child with SEN and it’s massively grinding. I worked full time and juggled five other kids before DD and it was a breeze in comparison.

I tried going back to work, but it just doesn’t work with DD’s care needs. I also had to give up a very time consuming volunteer role that I’ve had for many years. However, I have taken a volunteering role for 3 hours a week. It’s not much, but it’s bloody amazing in terms of making me feel like an independent human rather than “…and Mum”.
It also got me conversations with new people and different outlooks.

Could something like that work for your DH if it’s being productive rather than his actual job that he needs?

@Tigerwhocameforsupper what more do you think the OP can do? She's putting her job at risk by taking time during the day to look after her son, she's using her annual leave, gets up with the child during the night and she's taking the child out all weekend. And what does the husband do - play bloody video games. He needs to sort himself out. He's the one who wants to do this freelance work but he's not taking it seriously and then takes his stress out on his wife and child.

I think the scenario you describe just doesn’t really work; we tried something similar with me doing the freelance work and I realised that I’m not well suited to that type of work because I find it hard to motivate myself until I feel the stress of a deadline which when I was childfree at uni was fine but with DC doesn’t work. Additionally after a long day with DC the last thing I wanted to do at night was work and at the weekends it became difficult as like you say there’s never enough time to fit in everything and when work feels like a choice rather than an actual contracted shift then it always ends up being pushed back.
I know what Im saying isn’t very helpful; could he look at getting some kind of part time job instead which may then help his mood and general motivation

Money isn’t everything, it isn’t fair to completely prioritise your job when he clearly needs to work as well.
It’s perfectly fair to prioritise: roof over their heads, bills paid, DS’ therapy, groceries. The DH is a SAHD by choice, not because OP is hogging the work.

Posters seem to be missing the part where OP has given him time to work, and he’s played games instead. And that he’ll spend evenings prioritising games and exercise then stay up all night to meet deadlines, and then act like a bear for days. Or to meet deadlines will compromise OP’s work. None of that is fair.

He needs to recognise what every parent eventually does, which is you can’t have everything, you have to choose. At the moment he’s trying to have SAHD, work, exercise and downtime, and sacrificing sleep to do it. Which is madness.

I get that it’s hard to shift from a day of childcare straight into work mode, and you crave the downtime or decompression time or exercise time or whatever you want to call it – I have two jobs, day job and creative job, and it’s exhaustingly hard to do day job then bath and bed then switch straight to creative mode. But if I choose downtime instead, I don’t get up from the sofa, then I only start creative job late, then I lose sleep, then I’m a total cunt to everyone. Sleep isn’t optional (non-sleeping children aside); OP’s job isn’t optional. Computer games and exercise are.