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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I want more time but hate lying

25 replies

Whowhenhowwhy · 18/10/2021 14:10

I separated from my ex at Christmas. Our situation means we are saving and working out how to sort our house. He doesn't want to tell his parents we are over. He's only really processed things in the last two months as I've started a new thing with someone else. It has sorter just happened. He's an older man by 14 years. We've ended up very close. Shared quite abit of time together. Now we are thinking we want to go long term but we are in the early weeks and enjoying this stage.

My ex is fine with it. I go out 3 evenings a week and spend time with him. Usually the kids are In bed but we've started me going out an afternoon each weekend as we are slowly separating and adjusting. My ex still said we can't tell family because they will have to many questions etc.

I told my parents we had split 3 months ago and one of my sisters. My sister knows I'm involved with someone new. But I just can't imagine telling my parents what I'm doing. They will instantly think the worst of me. They won't approve of my "behaviour" and will think I'm being a bad mum. My mum was disgusted at me for a stay overnight at a friend's recently and felt my kids were being messed around. The age gap won't be accepted either but this man does me the world of good and I know he's bringing out the side of me my mum shut down over the years with harsh comments and out downs.

To make it more complicated I don't have much of a supportive relationship with my parents. My mum is difficult and I know already that I can't see this new man meeting them. It's just something I don't want to do or feel I need to do. I just want to enjoy his company and keep going forward with him. I want to be able to date him and not worry about being seem or caught walking up the other side of town.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds. But what would you do to make your family aware you have met someone but it's not at any stage where I'll be bringing him home. I want to be trusted as an adult I'm being sensible and bit have them worrying.

Any advice would be great. I'm struggling with Facebook too and debating making another account so that my parents and exes parents etc are not seeing tags and photos that potentially could also look bad. I'm fed up of this situation and want to make a go at things with him without the lies and pressure. Help.

OP posts:

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 18/10/2021 14:18

You worry an awful lot about what other people think. Understandable after the difficult relationship with your parents.

You really need to break free of their grip. Also it’s not up to your ex what you tell who and when.

I would just carry on and if you bump into someone or get questions you just say it as it is. It’s none of their business anyway.

I don’t think you need to ‘announce’ a new relationship until a few months, I wouldn’t tell my family about someone unless I’d been seeing them 6 months.

Original poster

Whowhenhowwhy · 18/10/2021 14:34

Thank you. I think I feel guilty for enjoying it and keeping it quiet. It's like living two loves at the moment. I don't feel we are anywhere near family meeting. I also don't want their opinions on the age gap, my kids and how it will affect them etc.
I keep thinking do I start messaging certain family members and saying we separated but I just wish he would speak with his family.

I definitely overthink it because I still always think about their opinions and reactions. They will make me feel absolutely awful for it and I already know it.

OP posts:

DeepaBeesKit · 18/10/2021 15:07

How old are your kids?

LuaDipa · 18/10/2021 16:38

It’s only been 2 months so I wouldn’t be rushing to tell anyone if I’m honest. Just enjoy it and see how it goes.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/10/2021 16:43

Are you married op? Beware of a solicitor advising dh to divorce you on the grounds of adultery..

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2021 16:46

You posted about this last week wasn't it? It's all just a big mess really.

BigYellowHat · 18/10/2021 16:48

Why don’t you just file for divorce?

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2021 16:48

Did you post about this before? Just be an adult about it and explain the situation.

And ignore the daft comment about adultery.

Salayes · 18/10/2021 16:54

It’s time to stop seeing yourself as a little girl who needs her parents approval and start seeing yourself as the grown woman you are. It’s your life, you can choose who you see and what you tell your parents. Frankly, if they can’t be supportive it’s none of their business and it certainly isn’t your ex in laws business who you date.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2021 16:54

Your parents still treat you like a child because you act like a child. It's all rather absurd, don't you agree? Who cares if they don't like your new direction in life, it's your life. What can they do, ground you? Take away your phone? Of course not, they'll have to get over themselves and deal with it. Hiding away and keeping silly secrets only proves to them that you make immature, poor decisions.

Cocomarine · 18/10/2021 16:55

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Are you married op? Beware of a solicitor advising dh to divorce you on the grounds of adultery..

Beware what exactly? 🤣 You know she won’t get stoned for that? Do you actually know anything about those grounds @Brollywasntneededafterall

It makes absolutely no difference to anything in terms of timing or asset negotiation

It is actually very hard to prove. Having a boyfriend is not proof.

If he told his solicitor he wanted to divorce on those grounds, his solicitor would tell him that unless OP he agreed, he was on a hiding to nothing for no reason.

Cocomarine · 18/10/2021 16:56

@Aquamarine1029

If you read one post, read this 👏🏻

Funnylittlefloozie · 18/10/2021 16:59

I don't really understand why you don't just file for divorce and start telling people you are separating. You don't need anyone else's permission to do these things.

Your ex is ok with you dating another man while still living in the marital home, but doesn't want to tell his mum that you are separating? Now that really is odd.

MichelleScarn · 18/10/2021 17:00

@Aquamarine1029

You posted about this last week wasn't it? It's all just a big mess really.

It is isn't it. I thought you had the 'ick' for this new guy? Or is it a different one than the friend you started seeing in January?

biggirlknickers · 18/10/2021 17:09

You don’t need your parents’ approval, your ex’s permission or anyone else’s say so to live your life in a way that makes you happy, just as long as the children are always considered in all decisions. I say considered - that doesn’t mean stay with their dad because that is not necessarily what’s best for the children. They need a happy mum who makes her decisions like the independent adult that she is.

You need to change your living arrangements though - living with an ex is never healthy.

JustLyra · 18/10/2021 17:10

You need to tell people your marriage is over before even thinking of introducing them to a new man.

Do your kids know about the split?

Dervel · 18/10/2021 17:12

Sounds like you had shitty parents who did a number in your self esteem. Personally I think you’d be justified in going NC, best of luck with your new man I wish all the happiness going forward.

BrilliantBetty · 18/10/2021 17:21

Surely you should actually separate before stepping in to a new relationship.

Tell your family, friends, his. Make arrangements to live separately or establish how you will be living (together but separated) and ensure you get the ball rolling with your divorce.

Your way sounds messy.

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:26

Do you need to tell your parents?

I’d say just see whoever you want to and just not tell them until you’ve been together for a while.
You say yourself it’s an early relationship so there’s no point making it public until you know it will last.

DDUW · 18/10/2021 17:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

Whowhenhowwhy · 20/10/2021 12:45

Sorry for slow response. I do feel like a y child hiding it. I think my upbringing has massively affected me as an adult. My parents are both very negative and my mum in particular is very rude, opionated and harsh.
I am worried that we will be seen out and about and I'll get a message or call asking me what an earth am doing walking with another man and where are the children?

We are not married. My ex is OK and accepted me seeing another man. He gets extremely depressed and reminds me the split made him want to end his life when I try suggest he tells his family or we look into my options. I don't currently work for a few reasons but am under the hospital and hope once something is sorted I can work.

My ex seems to want to keep this house for the children and has told me I could go on the list for a council house if I wanted but it might be ages. He's offered me a few grand from his savings to leave as he can carry on. But me and the kids can't live of that. Its been my house for 13 years and his for 9. I paid into it until 2 years ago and I paid the 12 grand deposit. So I'm not too sure what's best. He's not going to be like many other men who agree to be the one to leave. Which is fair enough. Its going to need to be me. But I don't know how.

Yes ideally you'd wait. But it's happened and this man I'm dating is making me happy and I haven't been happy for 3 years. So selfishly I want to continue spending time with him and moving forward. I always try to put the kids first but I feel like my ex needs to stop backing me into a secretive corner.

OP posts:

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/10/2021 14:36

Actually I am able to comment.

Any court involvement at all will see you having to prove yourself... You would be a liar. Your word will have to be proven...
Ime as one who cheated.... Apparently..
Had long moved out but was still divorced on the grounds of adultery with an unknown man.

Very unknown as he didn't exist!!

Beetlewing · 20/10/2021 14:50

Hang on, You're not married, you are the kids mother and you've owned the house you paid the deposit on, for 4 more years than he has been living there, and he wants you to move out? If your mutual relationship is over it's time for him to jog on

mountbattenbergcake · 20/10/2021 14:56

I can see why he's an ex. Was he financially abusive? DO NOT GIVE HIM THE HOUSE. If he won't move out, sell it and get half the equity.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 20/10/2021 15:13

@Beetlewing

Read that pist several times.

Your parents and this dickhead have done a right number on your self esteem & self confidence!

YOU paid the deposit
YOU lived there before he did
YOU have paid into the mortgage
YOU have your shared children

HE can go fuck himself as far as him staying in the house goes!!!

Where are things at with your solicitor?

Get things moving!! Get him out, get a settlement sorted & CSA etc. as well as any pip, WTC, UC etc that you're entitled to!

Start a new thread asking fir help with benefits in the title & some lovely MNEes who work in this area will help you.

Think very carefully about the new bloke & if it's making you happy then jeep seeing him.

If you're the ouster with the ick then get rid.

Tell your 'Ex' if he doesn't tell his parents/family/friends by the end of this weekend, you will.

It's not fair on you to have to pretend & hide around town in case you're seen.

He needs to move out & your kids need to be told.

Stop cowering in his shadow!!

& stop letting his blackmail manipulate you!

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