Sitting here feeling an idiot re long term friendship

Spoonsaregreat · 2021-10-18T08:49:42+00:00

I am sitting here feeling like an idiot over a long-term friendship. I can't fully articulate why I feel like this, but I will try. I have known this woman for 20 years and we have both been through a lot of tough times together, some similar, some not. She has been someone I have confided in and knows things I have not told anyone else. They are not massive secrets, but not things I would tell anyone outside my family. I opened up to her as I trusted her and she used to call me up telling me she was my friend and she was there for me. There have been a few things recently which have made me think [hmm] that she is not the friend I thought she was but the main thing is that I now realise that she has never once told me anything that is going on in her life. For example, I know for a fact that she has had some major things going on, but she doesn't want to discuss them with me. She is very guarded and doesn't even want to discuss anything small. However, she is very happy to call me up and tell me she "is there for me and wants to listen"..... I am sitting here feeling like an idiot like I am a massive high maintenance needy person who has offloaded all my problems onto her and in a way, I feel she gets off on my issues. I suppose I should be grateful for a friend like this but I am feeling uneasy about it. I have stopped telling her things and she thinks I am being "off" with her.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/10/2021 09:52

Sorry, I don't get this. She doesn't have to share secrets with you, just because you share them with her. You're not 8. Maybe she is just a private person?

Bizarre that you are moaning because she is there for you and happy to listen to you.

RedHelenB · 18/10/2021 09:52

I think yabu obviously she's not into confiding as much as you but if she was there to listen to you she's a friend. Of course if she drops you completely when you're happy that's a different matter, but that doesn't seem to be the case?

MrsRobbieHart · 18/10/2021 09:55

Tbh it sounds like you’ve been so self absorbed you never asked her about herself. For 20 years.

Tittyfilarious81 · 18/10/2021 09:56

@Spoonsaregreat Hi op I've been in the situation myself I found that my friend loved hearing about my problems and then being there for me any time but she never seemed to share anything back . When I really really thought about it I started to see that she loved the drama as when my life was plain sailing she just wasn't very interested . Once I noticed this is stopped telling her anything and our friendship ended ,she found someone new to provide the drama . You are not a high maintenance needy person it's just how these people are .

Lottie2shoes · 18/10/2021 09:59

Relationships are not always 50/50. Some people are happy to confide in others, some do not confide in anyone. Everyone is different.
However I would look at how she behaves in other ways, does she tell you about other people's secrets easily etc, I would not trust someone like that with mine.

Original poster

Spoonsaregreat · 18/10/2021 09:59

RedHelen, you have hit the nail there.

I have invited her over a few times for dinner, to meet for coffee and she is always busy.

Also, I have asked her about her life plenty of times and she shuts me down right away.

OP posts:

nanbread · 18/10/2021 10:00

I'm a bit confused as you said you went through some tough times together so she must have shared that with you?

Do you trust her? Is she a good listener? Can she trust you?

One of my friends doesn't like sharing much because it upsets her to talk about certain things.

Gonnagetgoing · 18/10/2021 10:00

I’ve not been in this situation but if it’s making you feel uncomfortable then just end the friendship. I’m surprised it’s taken you 20 years to realise this though.

RincewindsHat · 18/10/2021 10:00

I am pretty much like this as a friend; I stay quiet about what I'm going through as I like to process things on my own and figure out a plan of action for myself. Sometimes I vent, but never about serious issues. I find talking to others about stressful things I am going through makes me feel worse, so I don't do it.

Friends of mine prefer to talk in order to process or vent or get clarity, and I will always listen and make a conscious effort to be supportive and non-judgemental and be there for them, because that's what they need.

I'm just wired differently, it is in no way a reflection of my level of affection for other people that I prefer not to discuss stressful things I am experiencing. Maybe your friend is the same. Then again, if your gut is telling you something else and you know she's speaking to others about things in her life, maybe you're right and the friendship is not what you want it to be.

ineedsun · 18/10/2021 10:01

[quote Tittyfilarious81]@Spoonsaregreat Hi op I've been in the situation myself I found that my friend loved hearing about my problems and then being there for me any time but she never seemed to share anything back . When I really really thought about it I started to see that she loved the drama as when my life was plain sailing she just wasn't very interested . Once I noticed this is stopped telling her anything and our friendship ended ,she found someone new to provide the drama . You are not a high maintenance needy person it's just how these people are .[/quote]
‘These people’

People might say that I was one of ‘these people’, I’m someone who tends to listen rather than talk so people talk to me about stuff that’s going on for them. I don’t tend to talk much about my stuff because a) I’m a shy and private person b) I’m very self sufficient c) when other people have stuff going on, it feels disrespectful to talk about my own stuff.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with drama but perhaps the fact that you think it is says more about you than them?

Tittyfilarious81 · 18/10/2021 10:04

@ineedsun I meant no offense this person I was on about is a person who loved other people's drama and moved on as required that's why they never shared much about themselves , and unfortunately there are a few people who are like that

Taoneusa · 18/10/2021 10:08

Eugh! Friendship that isn’t reciprocal does leave a bad taste, doesn’t it. In fact, any relationship where there isn’t mutuality and equality tends to lead to resentment.

HarrietHandbag · 18/10/2021 10:12

OP, I get what you mean. It creates a power imbalance over time when you share personal information with them but they put up walls and don't reciprocate. They are one of the people you would confide in but they don't consider you as someone they would confide in.

Sn0tnose · 18/10/2021 10:14

So long as she’s not sharing your secrets with anyone else, or treating your life like an episode of a soap opera, I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. Some people like to talk about their lives and others would rather not, preferring to give support to their friends rather than think about all of their own stuff. Some people need regular face to face contact with their friends and others struggle with social interaction but are ok on the phone. You sound like you feel that you’re doing all the running in this friendship. To me, it sounds like you both have your roles and you both contribute as much to it as the other.

If she’s been such a good friend to you (which it sounds like she has) I think she deserves a conversation about this. Of course she’s going to feel like you’re being off with her. Your entire friendship has changed after 20 years and she’s going to be feeling a bit confused about it. She’s also probably going to be feeling like she’s been a good friend and a listening ear to you for two decades and now you obviously don’t need her any more so have dropped her. All this confusion and a potentially lost friendship because neither of you are actually talking to each other.

TheUnbearable · 18/10/2021 10:16

Yes some people are private and it’s fine if they don’t want to share what isn’t fine is that the op feels that maybe the person loves the drama. That they don’t genuinely like the op but like the drama.

MrsRobbieHart · 18/10/2021 10:16

I have a friend who I am careful about what I share with her but I am more than happy to be an ear for her and give her advice. She is lovely but a bit of a gossip and I know she doesn’t realise what should be shared with others and what I would prefer she didn’t discuss. So I just don’t share. I’m still her friend though and want to be there for her.

BigFatLiar · 18/10/2021 10:32

@MrsRobbieHart

I have a friend who I am careful about what I share with her but I am more than happy to be an ear for her and give her advice. She is lovely but a bit of a gossip and I know she doesn’t realise what should be shared with others and what I would prefer she didn’t discuss. So I just don’t share. I’m still her friend though and want to be there for her.

Are you Spoons friend?

MrsRobbieHart · 18/10/2021 10:33

I might be! Actually I have only known my friend 10 years so maybe not!

TabithaTiger · 18/10/2021 10:41

Some people just find it really hard to open up. I do, and this stems from being discouraged from talking about my feelings and emotions as a child. Sometimes I can be desperate to share how I'm feeling with a friend but I just can't find the words. My best friend is an open book and likes to talk about everything going on in her life, it helps her to process it. I hope she doesn't see me in the way you are describing your friend OP. I certainly don't 'get off' on her issues, I care about her and want to listen and allow her to get it off her chest.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/10/2021 10:57

Some people find it really difficult to talk about their problems. As in they actually can't. If it's this then you are being harsh in saying she is a bad friend.

How is she in other ways? Do you think she talks about your problems because she cares and genuinely wants to help you or because she loves a bit of drama and likes to feel superior if things arent going well for you? Do you think she keeps everything confidential?

I think these things are more important than what she shares with you

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 18/10/2021 11:06

Some people don't like to talk through problems though, I am one of them. If I'm going through a difficult time I prefer to keep it to myself and plough through it. Talking through the details doesn't help me or make me feel better at all and to be honest it just frustrates me because then people try to give me advice when I already know how I will manage whatever it is. Perhaps she's the same? If she's there for you when you need her that's what matters.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2021 11:11

Some people process their troubles by talking, some don't. If you are the former and she is the latter, then surely that's a good friendship match? Either way, if you have only 'noticed' after 20 years of what you previously thought was a good friendship, is it really that much of an issue?

Snugglebum20 · 18/10/2021 11:15

I have a friend who will offload everything to me. I don't mind this but I hardly ever tell her my things. She has no idea about my anxiety, how sad I feel some days, my long terms medical conditions and how there have been days where I have felt so sad that I wish I wasn't here anymore. She wouldn't understand, so I don't tell her. She pushes all her problems onto me to talk through/advise/help resolve/help with but has never once said ''are you ok''. I carried her through lockdown. and my H. And my kids. And my parents. Not one person asked if I was OK.

Clandestin · 18/10/2021 11:17

@RincewindsHat

I am pretty much like this as a friend; I stay quiet about what I'm going through as I like to process things on my own and figure out a plan of action for myself. Sometimes I vent, but never about serious issues. I find talking to others about stressful things I am going through makes me feel worse, so I don't do it.

Friends of mine prefer to talk in order to process or vent or get clarity, and I will always listen and make a conscious effort to be supportive and non-judgemental and be there for them, because that's what they need.

I'm just wired differently, it is in no way a reflection of my level of affection for other people that I prefer not to discuss stressful things I am experiencing. Maybe your friend is the same. Then again, if your gut is telling you something else and you know she's speaking to others about things in her life, maybe you're right and the friendship is not what you want it to be.

This is pretty much me. I don’t want to talk about my problems, even to my closest friends — it doesn’t make me feel better and I prefer to solve them myself. They may choose differently, but it’s no reflection of my affection for or trust in them, it’s just not something I do.

OP, you seem to think she owes you confidences, but surely you don’t want her to feel compelled to tell you things she’d rather keep to herself..

Beurre · 18/10/2021 13:34

@Spoonsaregreat - my friend of almost 18 years is quite similar to what you describe. I used to share a lot with her as she would often ask tons of questions about every aspect of my life, how much my DP earns, our savings, cost of our house etc but she would never share anything about her life. Initially I assumed she was just reserved but then I found out from colleagues (we work for the same company) that she was looking to set up a business, looking to buy a flat etc. Colleagues assumed I knew everything because we had been friends for so long. I still don't understand how she could discuss her life with people she had known for months yet keep me in the dark. It became clear this wasn't an equal relationship so I stopped telling her anything. We're now due to move abroad and change jobs but I haven't mentioned anything to her and don't plan to.