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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should take control more

23 replies

absencewithoutleave · 18/10/2021 09:44

My eleven year old son shadows me.
He developed acute separation anxiety three years ago out of nowhere and then his Dad and I split up due to Dad leaving having met an OW.
The thing is... my son will happily go to school and out with friends Amd sleepovers with friends but if he thinks that I am going anywhere eg shopping, out with a friend for lunch, an overnight conference , he starts shouting about wanting to die and refusing point blank to go to my sister's with whom he is very close. He is controlling the home by being by my side continuously and when in company,he will not leave my side either.
He has had arttherapy, child psychology involvement , school involvement etc. I am very patient and tolerant but feel totally smothered.
My sister and boyfriend believe that he is controlling me.
My other children do not get much attention due to this. I don't know what to do or where to turn.
How do I take back control or is AIBU to think that it's cruel to get tough.
He has a fear of me leaving which I understandafter his dad leaving but I have failed utterly in making him feel secure in the knowledge that I would never abandon him.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 18/10/2021 10:20

You need him to know you can leave him for x amount of time and be back when you say. As to him hogging all the attention at home, you need to be firm and tell him your other kids need time aline with you too. No one likes an emotional blackmailer and he needs to learn this sooner rather than later, for his own sake.

Original poster

absencewithoutleave · 18/10/2021 10:25

Thanks for replying. He is definitely manipulating me and controlling the home. He cannot bear anyone else getting attention and will use every excuse to control events etc. To give an example.. if we go to a party/ event , he is stuck to me and refuses point blank to play with other kids even o though he knows them so well. I cannot go to a shop without him being in the car. He comes into me every night during night and won't move. I am utterly exhausted and drained from him but feel terribly guilty for feeling the way I do

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/10/2021 10:54

I am not sure this is the best place to find help OP, it sounds like he has psychological issues and he needs help to unpick these, and you need help with techniques to manage this. I'd be wary of taking advice from here as you will get a lot of people saying just be the parent and go out etc but if he has genuine trauma that could make everything worse

negomi90 · 18/10/2021 11:01

He and you need counseling and professional help. Don't view this as being bad or something to control. He clearly has a need or a problem and that needs to be met. You need help to do this properly in a safe therapeutic way.
Even if he is being manipulative, he's doing it for a reason and that reason needs to be addressed not punished.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:04

He is definitely manipulating me and controlling the home
ok well this has to stop immediately.

Could you sit him down first and explain to him as he is 11(and you have other children who need attention) you will be giving him more responsibility from now on and will be taking some space away from him.

Let him say whatever he wants but only you can stop giving in to him.

Completely cut out him sleeping in your room at night for starters. Then slowly work on more separation in the day times...

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:06

He needs to go back to therapy as well. I know he's in only 11 but this kind of behaviour could hang around all his life and he could be controlling with partners and friends in the future.

Original poster

absencewithoutleave · 18/10/2021 11:08

He refuses point blank to go to therapy. I think he is stuck and can't face changing this
I m a prisoner in my own life

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:09

my son will happily go to school and out with friends Amd sleepovers with friends but if he thinks that I am going anywhere eg shopping, out with a friend for lunch, an overnight conference , he starts shouting about wanting to die and refusing point blank to go to my sisters

OP this shows you that it's an act for control. It's not that he cant be separated from you he can and he functions fine..he just doesn't want you to have a life.

Justilou1 · 18/10/2021 11:09

My friend has a kid like this. He has finished school now and she has no life at all. You need to stop being patient and be assertive. (Not nasty, but strong and consistent.) He has proved that he can live without you on his own terms. He just doesn’t want to when it suits you. He is acting like the most controlling husband, and this type of behaviour is domestic abuse. You must NOT tolerate it. He needs to back off and give you space. He is eleven, not four.

LagunaBubbles · 18/10/2021 11:11

What have the professionals said?

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:12

He's 11. He doesn't get to refuse.

Anyway if you leave the house for the therapy appointment..as you say he will have to come with you and wont let you go alone.
So that's what you do. You make the appointment and get in the car and go either way.

. If you gave him the choice to stay home/at a friends without you or go to appointment..would he suddenly be able to let you go out alone ? If he doesn't go ...you go to the appointment yourself.

Original poster

absencewithoutleave · 18/10/2021 11:12

I agree that he doesn't like me giving my own life.
He wants me entirely to himself.
He hates when I go away or spend time
With my boyfriend even-in his company. He likes my boyfriend very much but is afraid I will leave him, like his Dad did.
Hi grinds me down every single day.
I feel smothered and guilty.

OP posts:

Original poster

absencewithoutleave · 18/10/2021 11:14

His father was like this in my relationship

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:15

Well then a large chuck of the problem is how you're dealing with it op. I feel sorry you are stuck in such a crappy position but he only gets his way because you give in. What have the therapist said?

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:17

You are communicating that it is fine to do this. The buck has to stop with you. You are the parent. You make him go to therapy.

Original poster

absencewithoutleave · 18/10/2021 11:17

Therapy says he is angry sad and wants to control his environment to feel safe. He just wants me until his friends come along and even then won't go with his friends

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:29

Well op you will have to take him back to therapy. You cant keep indulging him. This is on you.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 11:29

If you give into him,nothing will change sadly.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 11:36

I think it is really damaging to use words like "controlling and manipulative" about such a young dc. He is a young child who probably doesn't know how to manage the feelings and experience of trauma he has had.

He needs to feel secure, and that probably does include clear boundaries - it isn't appropriate or helpful for him to decide about how he is cared for, but it is compassionate to give him a clear breakdown of what will happen while you are away from him and when you are going to be back.

Family therapy alongside you and his siblings might be very helpful.

You sounds really angry and frustrated with him and like you might inadvertently be giving across the idea of being less favoured than his siblings, which is possibly making things worse.

Justilou1 · 19/10/2021 00:16

@Stompythedinosaur - it is not nearly as damaging to use terms like controlling and manipulative as it is to let the behaviours continue. These are the causes of the OP’s marriage breakup. These behaviours will cause severe consequences for the OP and this child’s relationships in the future. (They are already.)

DysmalRadius · 19/10/2021 01:02

Have you asked him what would make him feel better about you going out? If you can work together it might make things easier to tackle.

Maybe you could suggest eg you go out for 10 minutes and he can stay on the phone to you, and then build up to 15 minutes but only in the phone for 10,or similar? It feels like you need to be a bit creative with potential solutions to find something that will work for both of you.

Original poster

absencewithoutleave · 19/10/2021 09:37

Thank you. I have been in contact with my GP and he has referred him to child psych services.
He seems to be copying his dads temperament in his ways of dealing with emotions and there is no room for that in our family.

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 19/10/2021 12:11

@absencewithoutleave Good for you! There is so much pressure on us to be apologists for our kids bad behaviour and minimize it - “They’re just kids…” etc. Kids feel more secure with strong boundaries and clear and consistent parenting. It’s so bloody hard. Especially for single parents. (And if you have input from abusive ex, he’s probably undermining you and influencing this behaviour too.). He is a child, but he’s on the cusp of adolescence. I’m so proud of you for realizing you need assistance and asking for help. You should also ask your GP for a referral to a Positive Parenting Programme or some kind of parenting/assertiveness counselling/training for yourself as well. I think it would really help you process your history with DH and help you get through things with DS. Once again, I’m so proud of you!!!

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