Name changed. I’m married to a gorgeous, clever and caring man. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 7. We met in our thirties and didn’t waste any time - it was very much love at first sight. I already had a DC when we met, and we now have two more. He is funny, affectionate and kind and we do get on brilliantly most of the time, but, but….
DH has just never seemed to have much of a sex drive. At first (and I mean in the first couple of weeks, not even months), it was great, but the only times we’ve ever had regular sex was when TTC - which happened first try both times, so not exactly exhausting. We can literally go for months without it. This doesn’t seem to be an issue for him, but it’s really, really hard for me. I’ve spoken to him intermittently over the years, and explained how it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted, and actually quite embarrassed to have to ask for something that had always come so naturally in other relationships. It almost has to be scheduled in, and will then almost always be cancelled at the last minute. It is always on his terms, and I always feel that I am on tenterhooks wondering if my luck might be in. It’s demeaning and demoralising. When I try to raise the issue, as I have again tonight (with not a few tears), he talks vaguely about being tired (he has been seeing a sleep specialist for years due to chronic insomnia which is now managed with medication), tells me he loves me and still fancies me… and then nothing.
When we do actually manage it, it’s always amazing. He is very affectionate and tells me he loves me everyday. But he just never seems to want to make love. There are no erectile issues - he can do it when he wants to, he just doesn’t seem to want to.
I am finding it increasingly hard that such a fundamental part of a relationship is absent. I know I am lucky to have him, and we get on brilliantly in most other respects, but I want intimacy in my marriage, which just isn’t there, or is only ever there on his terms.
I love him so much, and I know he loves me, but he just doesn’t seem willing/able to show me physically. I am seriously considering leaving him, as nothing changes and I feel so sad to have such an important part of a relationship missing. I feel so guilty writing this, as it seems so selfish and shallow. It would devastate our family, but I am really feeling very lonely and unwanted, and can’t help wondering if I should just draw a line under it. AIBU?
Should add - I’m confident that he isn’t having an affair, as he WFH and rarely goes out.