To think DS not attending memorial service is not rude

[jaffamousseswirl]

DH's cousin died in a tragic road traffic accident when his cousin was a teenager, in a couple of months time it will be a big anniversary of his death. There will be a memorial service and get together afterwards which DH and myself will be attending. That side of DH's family live roughly 3 hours away from us. The issue is DS who is 20 and at uni has been invited but does not want to attend. The uni that DS is at is even further away from where we would be travelling to. For context the cousin died before DS was born. DH is worried that DS lack of attendance will not go unnoticed. AIBU to think it's not rude of DS not to attend?

He never knew the person why would he need to attend?

I don't think it's rude, no. He is away at university and he wasn't even born. If i was the organiser, I wouldn't question it at all.

He could have an exam or something. It will be better to have people at the memorial who knew the deceased. Having lost a close relative in a similar way, I never knew memorial services for anniversaries were a thing.

Its not rude at all.

Dad's cousin who was born and died before he was even born is pretty far removed in terms of closeness.

You and your dh are representing your family.

You can represent DS at the memorial.

Personally I think there’s no disrespect, the person remembered died many years ago before DS was born why would he go when he never met them? A memorial is for the living to remember DS can’t as their lives did not overlap.

I mourn several close family members who my children didn’t know, I don’t expect them to mourn them in the same way as they never knew them.

Speaking to DH about it earlier and he doesn't think DS should attend if he doesn't want to but did say that if it was a sibling of his rather than a cousin he would be disappointed if DS did not attend. Whereas for me if it was a sibling I still wouldn't judge DS for not attending.

I don’t think that’s rude at all. I can’t even name all my parent’s living cousins, I probably wouldn’t go to a memorial service for one of them that died decades ago and before I was born.

I’m sure the close family will appreciate the attendance and memories of those who knew him.

Ridiculous to worry what anyone will think. They’re gathering to remember someone they loved (who’s been dead at least 20 years). That’s what they’ll be thinking of.

DS is an adult, he never met the guy, he’s making a normal choice and DH needs to stop stressing.

I think it’s fine.

Are you the poster whose husband's family relive this death every time you see them? There was a poster on here for a while who talked about how every visit with that side of the family ends up with talk of the deceased, and the children are all being raised to say they love/miss the person, even though they never met them? I think the husband also went into mourning for a week every year over the anniversary.

If you're that poster, then I can understand your husband's worry. His family are obsessed with keeping not only the cousin's memory alice, but with keeping the grief alive. It's almost like a pastime for them. So, for them, this will be a massive event which even the children in the family should be at and mourning. If your son doesnt go then some of the family will probably have a lot to say about it.

They're totally wrong. Your son doeant have any memories to share or anything to remember. He doesnt need to be there. The only reason for him to be there would be to support his dad, which really only applies if this was a memorial for you or someone else very very close to him.

@ImUninsultable No I'm not that poster, DH's family have coped really well over the years from what I can tell given the tragic and sad nature of the event.

Speaking to DH about it earlier and he doesn't think DS should attend if he doesn't want to but did say that if it was a sibling of his rather than a cousin he would be disappointed if DS did not attend. Whereas for me if it was a sibling I still wouldn't judge DS for not attending

So you’re having a made-up argument about a made-up scenario?

No it’s not rude.

okay everybody mourns in their own way but a memorial service after 20 years? why?

It’s not rude.

The whole point of a memorial is to remember someone, how could DS do that if he wasn’t even born when the person died?

It is very unusual to have a memorial 20 years after the death.

@godmum56

okay everybody mourns in their own way but a memorial service after 20 years? why?

Because people still miss their loved one after 20 years it's literally a way to remember and celebrate their life

What's your cut off point for grief?

I grieve my sibling 40 years on, but that isn't the same as holding a memorial for her. Fine if a family wants to do it, obviously, but I don't think it's that common.

No not rude, but these kind of things tend to be big family reunions, and they rarely happen, so this would perhaps be a chance for the older members of the family to see your DS again. I made the effort to go to something similar recently, and it was a hassle and expensive, but I have to admit I'm glad I did because DC got to see family they hadn't seen in ages.

I agree Godmum - I think the whole 'having a memorial service' is a bit strange, but it certainly isn't rude of ds not to attend.
It wouldn't be rude of him to attend if he lived next door and was doing nothing else on the day, tbh, as he can't remember someone he never met. It is a ridiculous expectation for him to go, even before you add in the time and travel costs it would involve for him.

In my family assuming we were invited we would all be there to support the wider family and parents regardless.

It’s not rude but these sort of things are effectively family reunions, does he realise the get together after will be a nice catch up?

@ABCeasyasdohraymeABCeasyasdohrayme
godmum56
okay everybody mourns in their own way but a memorial service after 20 years? why?

Because people still miss their loved one after 20 years confused it's literally a way to remember and celebrate their life. What's your cut off point for grief?

There is no cut off of course. I miss my DH every day. But a get together 20 years after his death? nope.

@FelicityBeedle

It’s not rude but these sort of things are effectively family reunions, does he realise the get together after will be a nice catch up?

that would make me want to go even less

There is no cut off of course. I miss my DH every day. But a get together 20 years after his death? nope.

That's how you choose to grieve, some of us do choose to commemorate our loved ones, there's no need to look down on people who do things differently. There's not a right way to 'do' grief.

.......and individually, anyone can do as they wish, of course.

So lots of people will mark it quietly, in their own way - for some that will be reflecting or going to a Church .....for some that will be raising a glass of something to them...... for some that will be buying the widow(er) /parent / child some flowers to show them you remembered..... all perfectly regular things for the immediate family to do.

But that isn't what is being talked about here. It is very strange to expect someone who wasn't even born when that person died to attend a memorial. I think most people would think it strange to hold a memorial service that long after the person died. It doesn't mean we don't miss our loved ones, but a memorial service is usually held relatively soon after the person has died (unless it is a major anniversary of a battle or terrorist attack or something). But, if someone wants to do so, it is up to them of course, but the OP is asking about the 'expectation' for people who do not remember the person, to attend.