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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect him to not text another woman when we still live together?!

18 replies

WirlyTwoo · 17/10/2021 21:49

Advice please. My husband and I have pretty much decided that we are going to split up but we haven’t figured out the details yet as we have two young kids to think about so are living in the same house for now. One of the reasons for splitting up (amongst a fairly long list) is that he kissed another woman and then lied to me about it and about meeting up with her again.

I have asked my husband not to contact her whilst we are still living together as it’s disrespectful and makes me feel shit. Or to be upfront about it and then one of us will have to move out ASAP. He doesn’t see how it matters if we are splitting up but has promised not to.

Now, I know he’s lying and is still texting her and possibly has met up with her. So, what do I do? Do I tell him to leave if he wants to be so disrespectful or just accept it’s over and doesn’t matter?

OP posts:

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 21:51

What difference does it make now. He has already cheated on you when you were a couple. Why would he stop now you're separated albeit under the same roof.

You could ask him to leave though so you don't have to listen to it

Steelesauce · 17/10/2021 21:52

You've separated, you can't really stop him doing anything. I agree its disrespectful and disgusting but seeing as he kissed another woman while you were together, you know that. The only thing you can do is kick him out if it bothers you that much but you can't stop him texting other people or make him tell you who he is texting.

Burnerphone21 · 17/10/2021 21:54

You need to check out of the relationship and protect yourself.

Pipersouth · 17/10/2021 21:55

It hurts but he had no respect to start with so hugely unlikely to be respectful of your wishes.

Gncq · 17/10/2021 21:56

Sorry as much as it hurts you just need to let him get on with it.
It'll only mess with your emotional and mental well-being even more to give a shit who he is or isn't messaging.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 17/10/2021 21:56

You need to speed up and work out the details.

AuntieStella · 17/10/2021 22:01

You can't stop him. There's no point in expecting him to do the decent thing.

One of you does indeed need to move out ASAP. Are there any particular barriers to that?

maddening · 17/10/2021 22:01

He should move out if he wants to progress Relationships while you are establishing the terms.of your divorce.

mediumbrownmug · 17/10/2021 22:04

If it’s over, you can’t stop him. I think it’s normal to be quite hurt, but there’s really nothing practical you can do except leave.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2021 22:08

You say 'One of us will have to move out ASAP' but then you go on to ask if you should tell him to leave?

The whole situation sounds very stressful OP but you can't stop him seeing someone else if the relationship is over.

And you can't make him move out either if he has the right to remain in the family home.

HugeAckmansWife · 17/10/2021 22:14

Of course it's massively disrespectful. My ex was sexting his ow from our spare room that he was sleeping in for the week or so it took him to find a flat after I rumbled the affair. Whether he's 'technically' doing anything wrong or whether you can stop him or not is irrelevant. It would be basic decency not to do that. The affair apologists 'you can't help who you love' etc never seem able to understand that even IF you accepted that there are still right and wrong ways to go about splitting up and this is firmly in the wrong.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 17/10/2021 22:20

Massively disrespectful, OP and I get why you're hurt by it but there's nothing you can do in that area. He'll do what he wants. I suggest blocking what he does out of your mind and seeing him as a lost cause.

You're splitting up. I'd concentrate on figuring out the details ASAP so that you can move on with your life.

lisaandalan · 17/10/2021 23:21

You've separate I'd ask him to leave anyway, so you can have your home to yourself and move on, why would you want him hanging around you like a dead weight.
He's obviously an idiot kissing other women ect he wants his cake and eat it. X

Paulanoname · 21/10/2021 02:08

Kick him out but you can’t tell him what to do, he’s going to do it anyway regardless

MintJulia · 21/10/2021 02:21

The whole point is he doesn't care whether he hurts you. He doesn't have any respect for you. That's why you are splitting up. Of course he's still texting her.

Just let him get on with it. Arrange for him to leave ASAP.

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 02:27

You've split up. If he wasn't respectful of you whilst you were together, what on earth makes you think he will be now you've split up?
Thus just seems a battle you can't win so why put yourself through it.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 21/10/2021 02:42

He needs to leave and leave now.

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 02:43

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

He needs to leave and leave now.

...or you need to.

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