Cutting off the in-laws

[suburbanhousewine]

Hi all,

I have posted before under different username. You may remember me. My DH is a Stately Homes child. His mum is a narc, and there was an incident at Xmas where they said they couldn’t come because of Covid but instead went to the favourite child’s.

Everyone told me to be careful and go NC. She is a narc, it won’t change etc.

Since then, they did try to come to ours for an agreement to put the arguments to rest but they instead denied all of DH’s evidence and issues of being treated differently his whole life.

It really went wrong when she created an argument at our wedding.

His sister is just as bad, she is becoming the same as his mum. They came to our wedding and even the hen do despite everything going on (I didn’t want to be accused of furthering the rift). DH and I talked and said we should try keep the bond with the siblings as the parents are to blame. But no, the sister is just as bad.

It has cumulated in this weekend. The sister held a joint birthday party for her and our niece. Whole family and all friends were there. We found out through social media. Just a reminder that the trigger to DH bringing up the issues was that for two years in a row his family lied about Christmas and made excuses so that we wouldn’t be there.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I am so hurt. I am blamed for it all as they think I’ve put the thoughts into DH’s head. What they don’t know, despite DH telling them numerous times, is that this has been going on since I met him and the only reason so much effort has been made since I’ve known him is because of my encouragement. I always place family first.
I know that this is horrific for DH but he is now becoming slightly more indifferent as he expects it.

I am just hurt and feel taken advantage of. They have also included all other family members and turned them against us. I’ve also noticed that the sister’s friends who I met and became “friendly” with, deleted me on social media.

I really want to say something. We have our big wedding next year (we did a registry job because of Covid cancellations this year) which they most certainly aren’t invited to anymore. But I’m SO ANGRY.

How do I stop so I can be more supportive for DH? I’ve been called a cow by his mother for no reason, my weight constantly commented on (I went from an 8 to a 10 and it was a big dramatic issue that I was now “fat”), I feel defeated. I’d always dreamed of marrying into a big family because I love the get togethers and always envied friends. I’m close with my parents though so that’s fine but there’s only a couple of us left!

Block them all. Give dh time to grieve.. Then get on with your lives.. We banned mil from our wedding. Then blocked her totally.. No regrets from dh. Or me! Dh says he actually felt relieved... No more fake relationships.. No stress or anxiety.. Been over 6 years of sheer bliss. Dh is more confident in himself..

you're NC but hacked off that you weren't invited to a party?

Can I ask why you encourage him to make an effort? He knows his family is shit so why not accept this and keep away from them?

there was an incident at Xmas where they said they couldn’t come because of Covid but instead went to the favourite child’s.

Were they bubbled with the other child? because none of us could spend Christmas with more than one household (assuming you're in the UK)

@saraclara no, they had a party with parents, brother from abroad, the sister, her husbands side of the family. They continuously broke all laws during lockdown.

@Disfordarkchocolate before Christmas his lack of effort was through what appeared to be through laziness. He still called his mum every week and set up meetings so it was definitely that he wanted to be involved.

My encouragement was more with his sister who he was close to but he felt had changed. I said we had to make the effort to see her (long drive, he didn’t like that we always went to them)

the only reason so much effort has been made since I’ve known him is because of my encouragement. I always place family first.

The best way you can support DH is to butt out and let him have whatever relationship he wants on his terms. Just because you always put family first doesn't mean you can strong arm him or his family into doing the same.

However I remember a previous thread of yours where you got the same advice. Will this time be different?

Are you the poster who wrote about the whole family going out for a Christmas meal and not inviting your DH (their son/brother)? I remember your previous posts. His family sounds very toxic and it seems that you've both done a lot over an extended time to facilitate a relationship but with no positive outcome. If I was you/him I think I'd call it quits now. Not block them from your lives, but stop initiating any contact, limit to birthday/Christmas cards and no invitations. I'm so sorry for your DH, from what I remember from previous posts it a horrible hurtful family. Would he try some counselling to help him come to terms with it?

@Disfordarkchocolate

Can I ask why you encourage him to make an effort? He knows his family is shit so why not accept this and keep away from them?

This is so true. I made the mistake of encouraging contact between my partner and his partially estranged family and my misguided influence just made everything worse, they became extremely threatening and abusive before he went no contact whereas if I kept my nose out of it they would have drifted further apart and probably still spoken 2 or 3 times a year.

Why you would keep encouraging your husband to keep reaching out only to get hurt over and over is beyond me. These people have shown you very clearly who they are, believe them. Cut them out of your life and let your husband decide how he handles his relationship with them.

You tried. You had good motives. But now you should be able to see you aren’t going to change the dynamic, and persisting will just make it worse. Step back, right back. Support your DH in however he wants to move in. Stick to NC and let them get on with it.

I definitely no longer encourage the relationship. After the advice in the last posts I said I no longer wanted anything to do with his family but would remain civil. He was free to do as he wishes.

However, they came to our wedding. Afterwards I sent them the pictures (as I did with everyone) and was ignored. They didn’t speak to us, no one got us a present. So whilst the idea was to go NC it seems they’ve done it first. I KNOW we need to take the advice and I really regret we didn’t last time (we did go LC though)

I will never speak to them again. I’ve got rid of them all on socials. But I can’t deal with the anger I feel. I think I’m protective but also feel guilty like I am to blame as this has got worse since my existence.

DH isn’t expressing his anger but is obsessed. Checking the latest photos of the party to know just how many were invited.

Aunts shouldn’t be part of it but we decided after the wedding to make an effort with them. The aunt was actually the one who told DH how badly his mum always thought of him and how they argued over how differently she treated him. So it was a surprise when we sent numerous texts, all read and ignored. I think sides have been taken.

Your husband needs therapy, he truly does. Anyone would need help to navigate such horrible feelings and experiences.

I think you need to allow your husband to do what he feels he needs to regarding his family.
Don’t make it your problem but let him sort it out.

If you're experiencing anger and feel you have no 'outlet' for it, then my advice would be to seek counseling. A good counselor can help you vent your anger in a healthy way and then deal with it and put it to bed.

Same for your husband. If he has feelings he can't deal with in a healthy way and is unable to set his own boundaries with regards to his family he needs counseling.

Personally I'd think it best if you saw separate counselors to deal with your separate issues as either or both of you may have feelings that may be hurtful to the other. Then once you are both at peace with his family's shittiness, you may find that a short term of couple's counseling to work together to move forward as a team.

Definitely some counselling for each of you. Good you are NC but you need to heal from the out pouring of anger. It's natural but you need healing. Then you can build your own family together.

I absolutely don’t think you are the problem here.

There is enough info to see that your in laws have their own culture/style and don’t have the capacity to be inclusive.

However you risk dramatising by setting out and making decisions out loud due to your hurt and disappointment that they are not what you hoped. It’s natural feel hurt and let down but comparisons with SIL won’t help anything either.

To protect yourself keep off the social media and look the other way.

Should say, we have both seen counsellors separately. DH’s helped him come to this realisation in a more profound way.

Mine was for OCD anyway, she helped me so much and believes I have the tools to navigate it.

Last night I realised why I’m so hurt. I am being forced to not have a relationship with my niece. I’ve said throughout that I never want to punish her for her mother’s behaviour etc. So I continued to send the presents we bought for her and this year I ensured we had a card. But I’ve not sent it this time round as I realised it is pointless. I’ve never got a thank you and I don’t think she’s ever been put in the clothes I’ve bought so it’s a waste.

You just have to remember that the lack of relationship with your niece is NOT your fault and that there's really nothing you can (or should) do about it. Yes, it's sad. But it is something you must do to preserve your own well-being and to live a peaceful life.

I speak from experience as my DH has been estranged from his brother for over 20 years and thus our family has had no contact with DH's only niece for that length of time. We have no regrets anymore as her mind has obviously been poisoned by her toxic mother and the only attempt at contact by her was to message my sons about 10 years ago to tell them that they (her cousins) were 'forced' on her and that they 'stole her grandmother' away from her. After all, she was the only grandchild for eight years and we 'should have respected that'. My eldest son told me afterwards that she had once said something similar to him when he was a little boy, before the rift, but that he didn't really understand what she meant by it at the time.

I'm not saying that your niece will necessarily be poisoned in the same way, but look at who her main influencers will be.

Get one of those pocket money tins.. Save a bit for your niece.. In time she will know why you aren't around and can make her own decisions about having a relationship with you..

The pocket money tin is a lovely idea!

@Feedingthebirds1

Does it matter and why to me you, if op has had a previous thread where she's got advice?

FYI I've been posting about my in laws for about ten years on here. Extracting myself from them, standing up for myself has been a long slow process and I've gone back and forward, back and never ever back again. I've been hand held through each experience, my kind and supportive mumsnetters. I couldn't afford therapy although we did do relate a few times.

I have therefore taken much umbridge at your comment.

Op, ask mn as many times as you need too re advice, after all this is the basic premise of mn to support mums.