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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas

19 replies

User45755 · 17/10/2021 20:25

So my DM has a life limiting disease. We hope my DP are therefore coming to us for Christmas as it may well be her last but it’s touch and go regarding whether or not travel will or will not be possible. We will know soon tho. We explained this to my PIL as it should be their year, saying that if my parents couldn’t come, we really hoped they would come to us and we already started to get things like beef ordered from the local farm. We would also extend the invite to DPs siblings and families as well as a bachelor uncle. This would therefore not be the whole extended family they usually have of maybe 25 now.

PIL take pride in the fact that they are really easygoing regarding arrangements (to the point that things often don’t even happen) and said they would wait to see what went down on my side as they understood completely where we were at and that they didn’t think people would go to them this year.

We don’t want the whole family here. It’s a tradition they have but it would mean putting everyone up for god knows how long as they are quite a way away from us (but near PIL) and would never pay for accommodation.

So, come to tonight and they inform us that x, y, z etc are all now def going to theirs. It’s all set. That means obviously they can’t come to us no matter what… unless we invite everyone here I guess.

So, what happens now?

OP posts:
shouldistop · 17/10/2021 20:30

Well, if your parents can't come to you then tog just have Christmas yourselves.
I think it's unfair to expect your in laws to hang on until the last minute to know what they're doing. What would they do about food etc?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 20:32

Can you travel to dm?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/10/2021 20:32

If your parents can't come then it will have to just be you guys, or can you go to your DM?

I understand where you're coming from but others will need to make plans too, it's totally reasonable for your PIL to have made arrangements.

Sirzy · 17/10/2021 20:33

I think this is the time of year when people want to start making plans, as tough as your situation is you can’t expect everyone else to wait in limbo.

Surely whatever is happening this Christmas you will want to spend with your side of the family so actually by PIL sorting plans they have took off any pressure or expectation.

Leeds2 · 17/10/2021 20:33

Personally, I think your in laws aren't doing anything wrong.

Could you go to your parents, rather than them coming to you? Or go to the in laws yourselves if that isn't possible?

Original poster
User45755 · 17/10/2021 20:34

I agree tho it was probably going to be a wait of maybe 2-3 weeks, and they said that was absolutely fine considering a) they never normalise finalise anything until the last minute b) because of the circumstances.

Don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly happy that they don’t come. It just feels like a step change in mood…

OP posts:
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 20:34

Just have it by yourself if your DP are unable to make it. It's a bit cheeky to have a reserve option but I understand why you you jt.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 17/10/2021 20:35

Well either travel to your parents or join the in laws at theirs?

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 20:35

And just freeze the beef if you've over ordered

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 17/10/2021 20:38

It's not just your pil though, it's the rest of the extended family who are maybe asking them what will be happening as they all need to plan and make arrangements.
I think they're doing you a favour by taking the decision and getting on with organising things. It frees you up to be flexible around your parents needs.

621CustardCream438 · 17/10/2021 20:39

I think your in laws are being quite reasonable really - you issued a conditional invitation to them but they have decided they’d rather host a wider family gathering. Presumably others in their family are happy with this.

So you either host your family, travel to your family, travel to your in laws (I’m assuming you’re invited) or have a quiet Christmas at home yourselves. Or about a million other options. You can’t insist your in laws come to you or do what you want.

notanothertakeaway · 17/10/2021 20:39

Sorry about your DM

Perhaps your PIL were trying to take pressure off you, by making arrangements for their side of the family

I wouldn't sweat it. Sounds like you have 3 options nearer the time - your M&D, PIL & family, or do your own thing

Overthebow · 17/10/2021 20:40

Can't you travel to either your parents or inlaws?

Thatsplentyjack · 17/10/2021 20:40

Why can't you go to your parents or your in-laws?

CarryOnNurse20 · 17/10/2021 20:42

I’m not sure you can say this year we are hoping to have my parents but if not please come to ours and expect them to rely on that. If I were them I’d have got on with other plans too. Presumably you’re welcome to both your parents and PILs so you won’t be alone?

shouldistop · 17/10/2021 20:42

*I agree tho it was probably going to be a wait of maybe 2-3 weeks, and they said that was absolutely fine considering a) they never normalise finalise anything until the last minute b) because of the circumstances.

Don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly happy that they don’t come. It just feels like a step change in mood*

The wider family were probably putting pressure on them.

GiltEdges · 17/10/2021 20:44

@621CustardCream438

I think your in laws are being quite reasonable really - you issued a conditional invitation to them but they have decided they’d rather host a wider family gathering. Presumably others in their family are happy with this.

So you either host your family, travel to your family, travel to your in laws (I’m assuming you’re invited) or have a quiet Christmas at home yourselves. Or about a million other options. You can’t insist your in laws come to you or do what you want.

This. I'm not actually sure I'd have the gall to have issued a conditional invite in the first place, regardless of how relaxed my in-laws were, but maybe that's just me.
freelions · 17/10/2021 20:51

Surely even if your DM is too poorly to travel you will still want to see her at Xmas so realistically aren't going to be available to host the in-laws even if your parents aren't able to travel to you

I imagine that your PIL have acted as they have to release you from any obligations so you are free to see your side of the family

I'm sure they are trying to do the right thing to make things easier for you at what I'm sure is a difficult time Flowers

Original poster
User45755 · 17/10/2021 20:55

Yeah that’s all good then. It struck me that it could be more of a ‘have us and everyone else’ cos there was previously talk of who might take on the mantle of hosting everyone and that we have the biggest space, but I guess extrapolating that to this is jumping the shark in this case. Very happy they make their own arrangements

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