Sorry this is not an AIBU, but I’m posting here for traffic as I just want one person to read this. I don’t even need replies just someone to understand what I went through as I darent tell friends or family the full truth.
I have written this as I believed for years this man was not abusive and it was my fault, just the way he was. I now see him for what he is. AN ABUSER
Behaviour
People think he is lovely, charming, affectionate and loves me and his daughter. Plays dad of the year, but knows nothing of his child
Very polite and well spoken.
He is very entitled. Believes he can do no wrong.
Has the quickest temper
Can change from being lovely to so horrible In the blink of an eye
Gives me this terrifying stare. If I get that, I know I’m in for hell
Believes the world is out to get him. He can never just have abit of bad luck,
Or a bad day. It’s someone doing it to him.
He knows exactly how to wind me up and will do it then accuse me of overreacting if I get annoyed.
He is dramatic,exaggerates wildly and stretches the truth to suit himself.
He wakes up in a bad mood a lot and doesn’t speak to me as he’s scrolling on his phone.
Will happily sit on his phone all day and night ignoring me and his daughter.
He will often sit upstairs and be told he needs the time to him self and not disturb him. If I do disturb him I am needy and unfair
He never wants to do things as a family but spends all his time seeing or wanting to see his friends
He is angry. He shouts. He swears. He does this infront of our daughter scaring her
He is clever and uses this against me.
He is always blaming other people and doesn’t take responsibility unless he is in sad mood when drunk then can harp on about how he knows he doesn’t help himself by drinking/doing drugs/that he knows I’m not happy with him.
He often doesn’t answer me or daydreams. If I get frustrated about repeating myself to him he will snap at me.
He will bombard me with abusive messages. He will do it even if we are in the house together but in separate rooms rather than coming to speak to me in person.
He is never satisfied with anything, nothing is good enough.
He calls me names.
He is a master at the silent treatment and withdrawal of affection. He will go missing for days/weeks on end with no contact at all. The longest being 15 days, I didn’t even know if he was alive
Keeping me off his social media. Also hiding me from the world.
He tells me there is something wrong with me.
He can sometimes be happy or sometimes in a bad mood. It can change quickly.
He makes empty promises to me, his family and friends. He has wonderful ideas but rarely makes them happen.
He is always accusing me of
Only doing things for myself. Calling me selfish
Being a drama queen. He will actively seek out things going wrong and create an issue when there isn’t one
Being cold and lacking affection.
Being moody.
Never helping out in the house. He has actually said this is woman’s work!
Never cooks. If I ask for help he will buy a takeaway even if I don’t want to, always has to be what he wants to eat
Will not help with our child. Would rather pretend he can’t come home from work
Has a drinking problem but denies it
Has a drug problem. He has admitted to using cocaine around our 6 week out child. I have found empty drug bags In his car. Secretly takes drugs with friends.
Drink drives
Says the most horrific things about me and our child. Things that have stuck in my head and always will. Till the day I die.
He is a compulsive liar. He lies so much he doesn’t even know he lies or what he has lied about
Everything is a comparison and he has to be worst off… im I’ll, he’s iller. Im tired, he’s more tired. Im upset, he’s heartbroken. And it always has to be at my disadvantage
He will take my medication to work“by accident”
Emotion
He has threatened suicide many times before. I have even had to call 999 for this. I then got accused of being mental and ringing an ambulance for nothing and wasting their time
He has threatened to end the relationship countless times and said he can’t wait to be free of me and get on with his life.
It’s subtle but it is always about getting his own way.
If I confide in him, he will later use this information against me. I had to learn very quickly to not tell him anything I didn’t want used against me
If I don’t answer his calls or texts that he wants an answer from quick enough he gets very angry and sends me abusive texts. Will always call or text me with an important job when he knows I’m busy and then shouts at me for not doing it
He will push me to the point I break (cry) he is only happy once he has done this. It can sometimes take him days but when he finally does it he says it’s crocodile tears, im pathetic, I need to grow up.
He will make a sulky comment if I dont reply to his text even if I was asleep when he sent it. He will hound my phone till I answer
He will sleep in late and slob about then as soon as he wants to go out expects me to be ready to go and nags me if I’m taking too long getting ready.
Very unhygienic. Doesn’t see a problem with not showering. Doesn’t brush his teeth. Always smells of cigarette smoke. Ruins the sofa sitting on it filthy after work.
Will complain of his clothes aren’t washed quick enough and why don’t I bother ironing them.
Watches a lot of porn. This includes his ex girlfriend on only fans
Openly eyes up women when I’m with him. Flirts with women constantly and boasts to me about it.
Money
Very irresponsible with money
Will hold maternity pay against me
Tell me I use him for money despite earning a good wage myself
Tells me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on
Tells me nothing of his personal accounts
Will watch me go without while he has plenty of money
Flashes the cash
Will buy anyone in the pub a round but will complain if I ask for an us night. Says it’s a waste of money
Spends a lot of money on drugs and alcohol
He will pay for things then throw it back in my face.
Will not go to the cash machine himself, sends it to me and I have to get it out
I always have to chase for rent money