To think children did not used to get support for traumatic events?

[julieca]

This is just something I was talking about with DP. Looking back there were some difficult times. A boy in my class in secondary died of cancer. DP saw a friends brother die in front of him of a sudden asthma attack when he was 8 years old. A close friends father died when she was 15 of a sudden heart attack.
Although parents tried to support us, there was no formal support at all. No school counselling, no group support exercises, nothing. I don't know if this is the best approach or not, but surely these days the school especially would be offering support?

My mum, in her 70's now, recently told me that as a young child of around 6 her beloved and favourite aunt just disappeared (close working class/factory type community). Noone explained anything to my mum at all.

My mum looked and asked for her every day, where was she? Eventually another relative took pity on mum and took her to the graveyard - her aunt had died.

Just a completely different world of understanding. Do I think that level of 'getting on with it' healthy? No. My mum was lovely and practical but emotionally distant, no emotions were tolerated or entertained really, this extended to other matters, even bodily functions. To the level of not even (as a nurse) being able to talk to me about periods as a kid - towels just appeared in my room. Was a very unnecessarily frightening and confusing time. But how could my mum change after a life time of hiding uncomfortable truths/repressing difficult emotions? She couldn't. I'm grateful that there's so much more insight available nowadays so that these patterns can be changed.

I was born in 1970 and I agree with you. I only recently found out a girl in my primary school was sexually assaulted in the staircase going up to her flat. She was telling us how she had zero support and it was all kept hush, like it was her fault. She was 9 at the time. As for the other girls, I remember being told never to share a lift with a man, but no more than that.

Others at school lost parents or siblings, but it was all taken as very matter of fact.

MH support is not great now, but it used to be much worse

Mental health support today is appalling for children and even worse for adults. It's an eroded service that has no hope of ever offering what is needed.

Back in the 1970's and 1980's there was nothing. I know several adults (children back then then) who carry around damage from this time due to bereavement and other horrible life events.
I think sadly it's just life. Today nothing much has changed in the delivery of care, maybe some lip service and a nod in the right direction. But no actually help or provision delivery for traumatised children.

@Fairyliz

It’s a tricky one. DH’s best friend died in front of him on the football pitch when DH was 10 and no one ever mentioned this boy again. This was in the 1960’s. It seems very harsh and yet we didn’t have the tsunami of mental health problems we have now. So perhaps ‘not talking’ works for some people?

The Israelis have support services for Holocaust survivors and their descendants too. During an anniversary of events in the war, people were discovered who had never spoken of the war and were better adjusted than those who underwent counselling. One elderly grandfather was known to be a happy optimistic person. Even his family didn't know of his past. Maybe it's just a reminder that there is no universal approach to those who have suffered trauma.

I agree there is no one size fits all approach. My past has various trauma of the scale which would definitely be highlighted by schools now. No one ever mentioned anything out of the ordinary to me about it, life just carried on.

I have grown up to be a rational and well balanced person with no MH issues. I often wonder why that is, why am I spared the additional trauma of dealing with anxiety/depression/other MH disorder as a consequence. I think I'm well equipped to help my children deal with difficult situations and I honestly think the cycle is well and truley broken in my family. But why, I don't know.

My dad died in the early 80’s when I was 7. I had no counselling or support. He’d been sick for a month, died on a Tuesday, I found out on the Friday because I’d been away with relatives. I was back at school on Monday.

Six weeks later it was Fathers Day and I had to make a card in school. I was told to make it for a granddad or uncle. No sympathy for the fact my dad had died a few weeks before.

When I was at school something that would be considered very very traumatic happened that we witnessed. I was 11. It was on the news and In all the papers. We didn't get offered counselling or anything like that. It happened on a Friday and we went back to school as normal on Monday. I can't say that I felt any need for counselling though tbh.

I agree that counselling is not always needed.
But I do think for example that a teacher could have spoken to us as a group when my classmate died and said if anyone wants to talk to a teacher, we are here. Instead, there was nothing. My classmates told me he had died.

I was told as a child 'children are resilient'. You were just expected to get on with it. Bullying was apparently 'part of childhood'. The fact is I was a pariah at school but it meant nothing to anyone when I tired to tell them. I still live with the damage that did.

I remember being bullied in class and the teacher just watched me walk out of that class in tears but had absolutely no emotion about it and didn't intervene to stop it. I had liked him before, afterwards I hated him. Weak man