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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to move on from the ghost of my late DH

20 replies

hotcoccoandmarshmellows · 16/10/2021 14:20

I'm asking for a bit of advice as feel conflicting emotions.

My first husband sadly died, I won't disclose the reasons on here for privacy. I then went on to marry DH who I have a great relationship with and we have wonderful children; a daughter who is 20 and a son who is 18. My first marriage was a long time ago but I admit I will occasionally look at my kids and remember if my first DH didn't pass away they wouldn't be here and it's a hard and weird feeling. My kids know that I was married before meeting their Dad and that he sadly died but I've never really gone in to much detail as I find it too upsetting.

My parents and siblings rarely talk about him and I know I might be unreasonable but I sometimes feel because I didn't have kids with him and it was a long time ago he has been erased from our family history and my DH has taken his place and his predecessor is a tiny footnote. I know that sounds wrong, I suppose I need to go to therapy. I naively assumed that all these years later I would have on the whole moved from my late DH which I have to some extent but I still think of him and what could have been if he had lived. I'm at a stage now where just for some time I wish to stop thinking about the past and focus on the present and future with my DH who I've been married to for nearly 25 years and our family.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 16/10/2021 14:22

I don't have any advice but I'm sorry for your loss.Flowers I hope that you are somehow able to find the right way forward for you and your family.

Clandestin · 16/10/2021 14:24

I think that sounds very natural, especially if you feel you're the only one who really remembers him -- he's a key part of your past, and you may still be carrying trauma about his death, especially if, as your post suggests, he died very young and/or in tragic or sudden circumstances.

Maybe some therapy would help, but I don't think there's anything at all 'wrong' with you. It might be helpful to reframe it in terms of him being a key part of your own past, or a key relationship in your life. If you want to talk about him to your family and your children, you should -- it might be that your siblings and parents feel it would be 'disloyal' to your second DH, or upsetting for you.

happytoday73 · 16/10/2021 14:26

I think your feelings are totally normal and reasonable.
Because you have a good relationship etc with DH, people may think you have forgotten him or not feel it appropriate to talk about him. Don't want to step on your DH toes... That's also reasonable..

Is there anyone who knew him well that you could meet up with and talk with?

PotteringAlong · 16/10/2021 14:26

I think it’s completely understandable. It’s not like a divorce, where the relationship had broken down, it’s a relationship that was cut short where you still loved him and, I imagine, love him still.

That doesn’t mean you don’t love your DH now - there’s always enough love to go around.

Are you still in touch with the family of your first DH? Could you talk to your DH now? Flowers

BeMoreQueer · 16/10/2021 14:28

Someone much wiser than me said ‘grief doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it’

It’s not a shade on your kids or your DH to miss your late husband, you’re thoughts arent betraying the life you have or the people you love.

Let yourself feel them without judging yourself, or belittling your own grief.

It sounds like his passing was hard in more ways than ‘just’ the loss and there is no right or wrong way to grieve what could have been ❤️

Your family probably don’t bring him up because they know it’s painful and they don’t want to say anything that makes your DH uncomfortable. Maybe talking to them privately would reassure you he is more than just your memory ❤️

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 16/10/2021 14:36

I was widowed long ago, and have had other relationships since. I loved late DH dearly but I’ve recently reframed our few years as a relatively short time in my life which is now past.
I feel much better for it.

AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 14:39

I think "What if?" are the two most terrible words. Someone you were madly in love with was ripped away and you were forced to move on.

It is natural to wonder. He was a big part of your life. Perhaps counselling could help because if you don't feel you can talk to family someone totally non judgmental and impartial would be a good shout.

Do you do anything to remember him? Have a cake on his birthday / your anniversary (family don't need to know why).

hotcoccoandmarshmellows · 16/10/2021 14:49

I am still in contact with my first DH's family but it's kept separate from my DH and my children. I never took the kids with me when I visited as I thought it would be upsetting for them. For anniversaries, I have two wedding anniversaries my one with DH which is celebrated publicly and the one with my late DH who I celebrate privately myself.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 16/10/2021 14:53

I never took the kids with me when I visited as I thought it would be upsetting for them

For the kids, or for your late DH’s family?

Your children are adults now, they might surprise you Flowers

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/10/2021 14:55

One of my closest friends who is now married to a lovely man was engaged many years ago (over 25 years ago) to someone else. He died unexpectedly. She kept in touch with his parents, but they, and her own parents are all now dead. I and one other friend are the only people she knows who remember him and, when her DH is not around, I occasionally speak of her fiancée with her. She tells he she appreciates this.

Do you have someone who knew him you can talk to? I’d say grief counselling would be a good idea too. My friend benefitted from Cruise greatly.

Best wishes to you.

hotcoccoandmarshmellows · 16/10/2021 14:57

For my late DH's family, I thought it might be upsetting for them to see my kids.

OP posts:
Flippyflops2021 · 16/10/2021 14:57

The part about the privately celebrated anniversary is really sad 😞

Have you got a place you can go to remember him? Somewhere that was special to the 2 of you.

Do you see joint friends still? Or anyone else that remembers/misses him?

Must be incredibly hard x

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/10/2021 14:57

Oh, that sounds very difficult and lonely for you.

Could the way in which your husband's life ended be part of the reason why people don't talk about him? Or could it be that they won't because they either fear upsetting you, upsetting DH or have opinions that you would absolutely not agree with, so feel it's best to keep the subject completely unmentioned in case their feelings can't be hidden?

If course, they could also feel that it's a quarter of a century ago and you have a wonderful life now, so it's something sad that happened but it isn't affecting you as much as it actually is? It's impossible to tell, really - but I'm sure there are reasons for their behaviour, just as there are reasons for your feelings.

I think it would be better for you to have some counselling/therapy rather than looking to family; it's one of those times where talking to somebody not involved would be better, I think - especially as you find it upsetting, which perhaps could mean that you've never really had the opportunity to adapt fully in way where the words are easier to get out.

Maybe because of meeting DH and then the 'distraction'/overriding necessity of dealing with your day to day life with work, husband and children, and now the children aren't so all time and energy consuming, you've finally got the space to think and process your feelings about your loss?

**

I do think that the analogy of bereavement being like a serious injury holds a lot of truth in it. There's the initial shock, the agony, then there's the most intense pain, you get through the first period with whatever emergency treatment, splints, casts or surgery, then have to go through physio until you can move without the pain that takes your breath away.

This lessens with time, but occasionally you catch it badly and it's almost as intense as when you first did it - you're mostly OK, but over time, you get used to walking with a limp when you're tired, cold and alone.

Years later, the slight adjustments you made to accommodate that limp where you were too busy to get it completely seen to - and you'd rather not have further surgery to put you back in the initial pain again - start causing you more discomfort.

But you can get it treated and hopefully prevent arthritis developing in the joint, taking you back to the occasional nagging limp on cold, dark mornings but on the whole, it's something that happened to you a long time ago that you acknowledge happened and was awful, but it doesn't steal your joy from everyday life; every so often, you wonder how things would have been different without that pain or the faint white scarring, but that's OK.

Tickledtrout · 16/10/2021 14:59

It appears as if your grief is almost some a secret? Something that you feel you have to keep from your 'new' family. That's not really fair on you OP. Less of other people's feelings; yours need resolution and assimilation.
What does your DH say about this? Does he know how you're struggling?

GoodnightGrandma · 16/10/2021 15:01

You are mourning for the life/children you might have had, that’s not unusual. He was obviously a big part of your life as you married him.
I’ve noticed in myself and my relatives that, as you get older, you think about the past far more. Get upset at things you did/didn’t do.

Thelittleweasel · 16/10/2021 15:26

@hotcoccoandmarshmellows Flowers

It takes a long time. The pain changed after some 20 years but the "memory" continues even now 40+

You cannot forget but it is different

hotcoccoandmarshmellows · 16/10/2021 16:21

I have some old friends that knew us when we were together which is nice for us to able to think and reminisce on old times. I have been thinking that when my first DH parents die I will absolutely want to go to their funeral if their family wish me to come but it's deciding whether to go alone or with my DH or with both DH and the kids with me. I feel like if I do bring them with me I need to introduce them to them while their alive.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 16/10/2021 16:26

They might love to meet them. The fact that you are still in touch shows what love and affection they have for you. And that will extend to the life you have, which in no way diminishes the life you would have wished for at one point.

Flowers @hotcoccoandmarshmellows. This is one of those posts where I wish I had a magic wand to make this better for you.

AngelDelightUk · 16/10/2021 17:26

I lost my DH a few years ago. Since having my DD I’ve found that no one mentions my DH any more. I really sympathise. We had a rocky relationship, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to mention him occasionally. It’s his birthday coming up and I know that it will be forgotten

Sending love to you

billy1966 · 16/10/2021 17:58

Oh OP, this is a very poignant thread.

How you obviously loved him and how absolutely heartbreaking to lose him.

You could ask his parents would they like to meet them.

They might surprise you.
When this happened in my family my grandmother was happy that her lovely son in law met and married someone else, she wouldn't have wanted him to remain alone, he had adored my late aunt and my grandmother knew this well.

I think losing someone like that, young as you were, changes you forever.

Well done for keeping his memory close but also moving on to making the most of your life.

I think your children might surprise you too.
It is a good thing to know your parents had a life before you came along.

Flowers
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