Oh, that sounds very difficult and lonely for you.
Could the way in which your husband's life ended be part of the reason why people don't talk about him? Or could it be that they won't because they either fear upsetting you, upsetting DH or have opinions that you would absolutely not agree with, so feel it's best to keep the subject completely unmentioned in case their feelings can't be hidden?
If course, they could also feel that it's a quarter of a century ago and you have a wonderful life now, so it's something sad that happened but it isn't affecting you as much as it actually is? It's impossible to tell, really - but I'm sure there are reasons for their behaviour, just as there are reasons for your feelings.
I think it would be better for you to have some counselling/therapy rather than looking to family; it's one of those times where talking to somebody not involved would be better, I think - especially as you find it upsetting, which perhaps could mean that you've never really had the opportunity to adapt fully in way where the words are easier to get out.
Maybe because of meeting DH and then the 'distraction'/overriding necessity of dealing with your day to day life with work, husband and children, and now the children aren't so all time and energy consuming, you've finally got the space to think and process your feelings about your loss?
**
I do think that the analogy of bereavement being like a serious injury holds a lot of truth in it. There's the initial shock, the agony, then there's the most intense pain, you get through the first period with whatever emergency treatment, splints, casts or surgery, then have to go through physio until you can move without the pain that takes your breath away.
This lessens with time, but occasionally you catch it badly and it's almost as intense as when you first did it - you're mostly OK, but over time, you get used to walking with a limp when you're tired, cold and alone.
Years later, the slight adjustments you made to accommodate that limp where you were too busy to get it completely seen to - and you'd rather not have further surgery to put you back in the initial pain again - start causing you more discomfort.
But you can get it treated and hopefully prevent arthritis developing in the joint, taking you back to the occasional nagging limp on cold, dark mornings but on the whole, it's something that happened to you a long time ago that you acknowledge happened and was awful, but it doesn't steal your joy from everyday life; every so often, you wonder how things would have been different without that pain or the faint white scarring, but that's OK.