To post here aswell as the SN board doesn’t appear to come up on active?

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Not really an AIBU but there seems to be very little activity on the SN board and it didn’t seem to come up on active when I was posting and I am a mess over here and could do with some advice tbh

I’m just going to copy and paste from my other thread with only 1 reply (I don’t know if this is against the rules) -

What to do when you seem to be your child’s trigger?

Trigger is possibly not the best word but I couldn’t think of anything else

DS3 is 5 and is undiagnosed as of yet, we are in the middle of a very frustrating process but atm has suspected ADHD although I’m sure there’s something more than that too
Anyway, during the evidence gathering process from school and other caregivers it’s becoming very clear that he is at his worst when he is with me
Lots of behaviours that make my life miserable on a daily basis nobody else even recognises, I can literally walk out of the door and it’s like a flip is switched and he’s a different child

Has anybody else had any experience with this?
I’m starting to think he’d be better off not living with me

I do get that, and I understand him holding it together at school then coming home and lashing out at me, that bit I get
But it’s more than that and it honestly feels like he’s just unhappy when I’m around
For example I can’t take him to birthday parties or gatherings really of any kind because he will just sit on my knee chewing his hands or repeating himself and I guess stimming? But if I’m not there and he’s with his dad or grandparents he runs of playing and getting involved having a good time, or at night times if he knows I’m in the house he just screams and screams and screams for me all night long, whereas if he knows I’m not in the house or if he’s at my parents house he sleeps peacefully almost through the night. I can’t take him to any of his extra curricular activities because it’s the same, just won’t get involved if I’m there
It’s like I make him miserable

We experience this with my DD, nearly 12. She has ASD and horrendous anxiety.

Ie We see her crying, deep breathing, flapping, pacing, nipping the back of her hand etc before school - but when actually at school (thought they see little snippets,) she masks.
And we can have horrendous evenings, where no reassurance can alleviate the 'what will tomorrow bring?' anxiety, and she ends up shattered and in bed with us - but if she sleeps at my mum's, she will hold it all together and 'appear' to be fine , which usually results in tiredness the next day. (My mum is now good at seeing the subtleties of her holding it together though and will usually suggest to me she will need down time when she gets home.)

There are so many examples of differences between being with us and masking that I can't lie, it can affect my mental health. (When it does though I have to remind myself that my DD is her true self with us because she feels safe with us, and that can only be a positive thing.)

It is hard though, you are not alone.

This will probably sound silly but I’d never even considered that he has anxiety 🤦🏻‍♀️ Because his behaviour is so outward and loud and aggressive mostly it didn’t cross my mind, to me if you were anxious you would avoid a scene, not create one
Obviously now after reading of some people in similar positions I do see it
I just don’t really know what to do about it 🤦🏻‍♀️

one way to think about this type of anxiety is that what looks the same as a child having a temper tantrum, with a child with ASD is actually them having a panic attack.

panic attacks are loud and messy.
Also many children with sensory needs are very unaware of how loud they themselves are. They may be sensitive to noise, but shout very loudly themselves.

sorry, not trying to diagnose him with ASD, just that is where my experience is. Same applies to other specific needs

Ok thinking of it as a panic attack would make much more sense, sometimes when he’s in a full on tantrum and he’s hit me and things he looks absolutely mortified when he calms down and is sorry - so it would make complete sense that he is in fact, not in control of his own body at that time
He is also very VERY loud at all times, I have even taken him for hearing tests because I can’t believe he doesn’t realise how loud he is 🤦🏻‍♀️

So practically going forward, should I just resign myself to not taking him to places for now, and let that be other people’s jobs??
I feel like I understand his behaviour a bit more thanks to this thread, but I’m still not sure of how to go about fixing it 🙈

start researching strategies to use with kids with asd. These strategies work for the type of situations you describe.
Look for things like using sand timer, how to deal with melt downs etc.

If he has a tantrum, stop thinking in terms of punishment and stopping, and think in terms of - how can I help him feel safe and secure? That may be holding him firmly (that gives sensory feedback which is calming) or it may be a quiet space. My friend used to put her coat over her sons head. The dark space, muffling noise from outside, and heavy weight of it all combined to make him feel safe and calmer. But it is very individual to each child.