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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help me work this out?

724 replies

Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 13:25

My head is a mess as I'm going through some relationship difficulties with a young baby and I'm trying to make sense of my entitlement to financial help.

I've done a UC calculation a few times but it comes out with an amount that i think is an overestimate.

My details are;

  • FT salary of £47,126, net monthly income £2,516 after deductions.
  • 2 DC (ages 15 years and 6 months) - no childcare costs for eldest, costs of £700 pm for youngest when I go back to work from mat leave.
  • child maintenance of £120 pm for the eldest child only.
  • private rented property
  • no other benefits claimed
  • no significant savings

It's telling me I'd be entitled to in the region of £650 pm as a single parent. Does this sound right? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
hiuouiy · 16/10/2021 21:03

I can't help with the sums but I wanted to be another poster saying that it is horrendous to realise when your baby is 6 months that the person you had the baby with is not a good enough man to stay with, it is horrendous. You are exhausted, your hormones are all over the place, you have this tiny person you need to look after, and in your case you also have a teenager, you are thinking about the future as a single mother plus probably how you are going to cope with your ex once he is an ex, the best way to get him to be an ex, you have all this and you are still able to sit down and work out the practicalities.

You are doing fantastically, I wish you and your dc the very best, please don't given any headspace at all to the posters here who are being monumentally unhelpful, ignore ignore ignore Flowers

Nocutenamesleft · 16/10/2021 21:03

Thanks for "hoping" it's wrong. As a single mum I'd have to give up my career that I've worked my arse off for over a decade if I'm entitled to no help as I simply can't afford £700 a month in childcare.

@Lulu2021
The problem is. A HELL of a lot of mothers single or otherwise. Have given up their careers. I gave up my 6 figure. 20 year job. Because I knew I’d have to when I had children

47,000. Is one hell of a salary!!!

forinborin · 16/10/2021 21:03

OP, please please ignore. I have no advice on the UC but I am really outraged about the things said to you by many posters.

I was completely trashed on here some time ago when I admitted that I really struggled with nursery fees x 2 as a single parent on ~80K. No arithmetical exercises could persuade anyone, I was just told that I am bad with managing money and entitled, and that in my shoes they'd be giving thousands to charity.

Just ignore, they just have no idea about the realities of your situation, and it seems ok on mn these days to attack everyone earning even a sliver over the min wage.

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:04

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Do not gaslight me into believing I shouldn't be angry at you for snidely commenting "I'm sorry but you chose him" when I have recently realised with the help of a therapist that I am being emotionally abused. Your comment was deleted by MNHQ for being inappropriate. My anger is perfectly well directed, thank you.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 16/10/2021 21:05

[quote Lulu2021]@ANameChangeAgain

"Most families" might not have studied and worked their arse off for over a decade to be professionally where they are, making multiple sacrifices along the way. Sorry but your comment has infuriated me. [/quote]
Yet again.

I worked for over 20 years. In a male dominated industry that I worked my arse off

I make huge personal sacrifice along the way

AnotherName456 · 16/10/2021 21:05

I'm entitled to £880 a month and I'm a single SAHM with a disabled child. I'm surprised that you qualify tbh

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:06

*Get rid of phone contracts and pay £10 a month for giff gaff

List all the other expenses in the £955 you have left and cut them to the bone*

Phone contracts I agree - I can look for cheaper.

And your second point re cutting other expenses, yes - absolutely I will do my best. Already cancelled a gym membership.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:06

@AnotherName456

I'm entitled to £880 a month and I'm a single SAHM with a disabled child. I'm surprised that you qualify tbh

I'm surprised too! Makes two of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:07

@forinborin

OP, please please ignore. I have no advice on the UC but I am really outraged about the things said to you by many posters.

I was completely trashed on here some time ago when I admitted that I really struggled with nursery fees x 2 as a single parent on ~80K. No arithmetical exercises could persuade anyone, I was just told that I am bad with managing money and entitled, and that in my shoes they'd be giving thousands to charity.

Just ignore, they just have no idea about the realities of your situation, and it seems ok on mn these days to attack everyone earning even a sliver over the min wage.

Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
AnotherName456 · 16/10/2021 21:08

Sorry I didn't mean for that to come across rudely, I'm just surprised. When I was with my partner I wasn't entitled to anything and he earned 35,000

hiuouiy · 16/10/2021 21:08

@Hopeisnotastrategy

OP your anger is misdirected. I get your frustration to a point, I really do, but the source of your unhappiness is your useless, immoral fellow procreator.
Actually your posts are disgraceful @Hopeisnotastrategy and I see one has been reported and deleted, so learn from that.
LaurieFairyCake · 16/10/2021 21:10

Couldn't she choose what to go in the packed lunch ?

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:10

@Nocutenamesleft

Thanks for "hoping" it's wrong. As a single mum I'd have to give up my career that I've worked my arse off for over a decade if I'm entitled to no help as I simply can't afford £700 a month in childcare.

@Lulu2021
The problem is. A HELL of a lot of mothers single or otherwise. Have given up their careers. I gave up my 6 figure. 20 year job. Because I knew I’d have to when I had children

47,000. Is one hell of a salary!!!

The problem is others had to give up their careers? That's my personal problem, is it? How? Why?

And because others did that, I should too, right? Why? Why the hell shouldn't I lean temporarily on a system designed to support people who have fallen on difficult times, when I have paid a LOT into that system over decades? Tell me why I shouldn't?

47k might be "one hell of a salary". But I have a hell of a lot of outgoings thanks to a lot of joint expenses from my relationship which I alone will now be left with, plus £700 a month in childcare. It's all relative to what's going out, isn't it.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 16/10/2021 21:10

And I hope you get the answer from UC you need Thanks

JaffavsCookie · 16/10/2021 21:11

OP
Yes definitely re school transport, schools often don’t mention it. It is the responsibility of the council area you are in, but hopefully will save you a bit when you sort it. Apply to your local council rather than the school.

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:11

@LaurieFairyCake

Couldn't she choose what to go in the packed lunch ?

She could ... She doesn't eat bread! But I suppose we could try other things.

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 16/10/2021 21:12

[quote Lulu2021]@Hopeisnotastrategy

"The rest of us"?! You mean tax payers, like myself??

Thanks for pointing out that I chose my partner several years ago before he revealed himself to be emotionally abusive. That's a really, incredibly insightful and helpful contribution to the thread. I'm awfully glad you popped along.

Hmm[/quote]
A perfunctory scan of my posts would, I think? , reveal I'm usually very supportive of those in distress. I understand you are in a hard place right now, but this pissy attitude with those who tell you your problem is with your partner isn't helping you. It is what it is, and the quickest way to getting out of a hole in these situations is to look the facts in the eye. But if you just want to feel a bit better by sniping at random posters on the internet this evening, feel free. It's no skin off my nose. But your problem will still be with you tomorrow, so I'd suggest in a friendly manner that you consider my suggestions at your leisure. They come from hard won experience.

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:13

@hiuouiy

I can't help with the sums but I wanted to be another poster saying that it is horrendous to realise when your baby is 6 months that the person you had the baby with is not a good enough man to stay with, it is horrendous. You are exhausted, your hormones are all over the place, you have this tiny person you need to look after, and in your case you also have a teenager, you are thinking about the future as a single mother plus probably how you are going to cope with your ex once he is an ex, the best way to get him to be an ex, you have all this and you are still able to sit down and work out the practicalities.

You are doing fantastically, I wish you and your dc the very best, please don't given any headspace at all to the posters here who are being monumentally unhelpful, ignore ignore ignore Flowers

This actually made me sob from the pit of my stomach. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you so much Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:15

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Are you for real?! You didn't tell me "my problem is my partner". You snidely commented "sorry but you chose him". Don't backtrack, don't make out that offered anything empathic or constructive. Your comment was deleted. Leave me alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:17

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Consider your suggestions? What exactly are they? What constructive suggestions have you offered? Unlike many other posters, who have provided a wealth of experience advice and support, you have offered precisely zero by way of "suggestions"?! You want to point out that I procreated with an arsehole. Ok - well thank you. I know. Hence why I'm here asking for help! Beyond pointing that out in a snidey way, I can't see any other contributions that help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:18

@JaffavsCookie

OP Yes definitely re school transport, schools often don’t mention it. It is the responsibility of the council area you are in, but hopefully will save you a bit when you sort it. Apply to your local council rather than the school.

Thank you! This could have been saving me a small fortune, I didn't know this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:19

@LaurieFairyCake

And I hope you get the answer from UC you need Thanks

Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:20

@AnotherName456

Sorry I didn't mean for that to come across rudely, I'm just surprised. When I was with my partner I wasn't entitled to anything and he earned 35,000

Don't worry it didn't come across as rude. I was shocked too.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 16/10/2021 21:21

OP I don't know anything about benefits so can't comment but if you haven't been earning or earning less during this tax year you will pay less tax for the rest of this tax year when you return to work. Hope that makes sense. I suppose the downside is maybe that would reduce your UC but I'd have thought it would still be a help.

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 21:21

@Toooldforthis321

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/childcare-vouchers

Not sure if you've looked on this OP.
I hope you get some help with everything.

Thank you I will have a look!

OP posts: