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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sodding shattered?

26 replies

namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 12:53

I know that a lot of people feel like this or have even more on their plate, so I’m nothing special, but I just needed to rant.

Toddler (18 months) has thrown most of his lunch over the floor and it’s gone literally everywhere. The house is a tip - think toys all over the place, pet hair, dust, random stuff on the floor that DS has pulled out of cupboards - and I just don’t have the energy to clean and tidy, even though MIL is coming round later (another stress). I have piles of laundry coming out of my ears and again, am struggling to find the will to sort it. I also have a load of work that I’m behind on as toddler was off sick last week.

I hate my appearance - I just live in the same few often dirty clothes these days and don’t wear make-up. I look and feel like a slob but am too tired to put the effort in. I was out with really greasy hair and stains on my top the other day and bumped into a friend I’ve not seen in a while - I was so embarrassed.

Everything is just constantly a mad hectic dash trying to juggle work, childcare, housework, family life and friendships and at the same time, life is just flying by. I also feel mum guilt because DS often just has boring days at home with not a lot going on.

Does it ever get easier? I’m just so tired of constantly rushing around and trying to balance it all. How does everyone else manage?!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 13:15

Can anyone relate? Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/10/2021 13:22

You mention your MIL, so are you still with her son?

If so, the pair of you could do with making a 'hit list' and tackling it together.

Also, would your MIL be willing to babysit while you two get on with it?

specialsauce · 16/10/2021 13:25

18 months is a really messy stage so dont be so hard on yourself. Forget the mess for an hour and get DS settled with something that you can keep an eye on. I used to put my toddler in shallow bath with lots of toys so I could get washed and cleaned up myself and clean the bathroom too. Toddlers love water play any time of the day. Don't try and tackle it all - potter, play with DS and try and relax about it. Focus on one part of a room at a time: the table, the hall - do a bit every day even ifonly30 mi utes. Your motivation will return once you start to see it getting better

RhodaDendron · 16/10/2021 13:26

I can relate! It’s toddler life… waiting til she’s four, then everything will magically sort itself out Grin

specialsauce · 16/10/2021 13:29

PS it does get easier yes! Once they stop getting every toy in the house out! About 4ish

GothicaAutistica · 16/10/2021 13:32

Mainly just bumping the thread for you.

Can anyone relate? Of course they can. Especially here on MN. I can't completely because I don't have any children, but I know only too well the feeling of creeping dread as you look around at the domestic tasks that need doing before crumbling into an overwhelmed heap of tears. For what it's worth, I'm not neurotypical and this plays a large part.

Just do the bare minimum to ensure that you and your baby are safe and fed. Place the toys in a box (or even in a pile if you don't have a box) in the corner of the room. Don't worry about the dust and pet hair for now - wave a duster around when your DS is in bed if it really bothers you. Pick up what you can of the thrown lunch if there's time.

When MiL arrives, ask if she can look after your DS so you can have a quick shower. Don't worry about what your MiL thinks about the house. I don't know how old she is, but she may have come from the era when women were expected to prioritise looking after the house and cooking over interacting with the children. It was okay to place the Dbaby in a play pen whilst you made a three course roast dinner for your DH and cleaned the kitchen. These days, parents need to be by their DC's side 24/7. The whole approach to looking after DC and home life has altered. Please keep this in mind.

Above all, please cut yourself some slack. As long as your DS is looked after, fed and loved you're doing an excellent job. xx Flowers

You're certainly doing 100% better than I am; I often get myself into a FAR worse state than you and I don't even have any DC to look after.

Original poster
namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 13:33

Thanks everyone. Four is a long way away!! It’s crazy how quickly the house goes to pot if you don’t constantly keep on top of things.

OP posts:
donutosaurus · 16/10/2021 13:34

I could have written this post! I feel exactly no the same - I have an almost 3 y/o and a 1 y/o and it is chaos! No time to focus on anything meaningful!

It's really hard when family don't want to babysit or live far away.

My 3 y/o is in a much more manageable and enjoyable phase atm so I'm hopeful that it does get easier!

I'm afraid I don't have useful advice but hang on in there 😘

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2021 13:36

@namechangeforoct

Thanks everyone. Four is a long way away!! It’s crazy how quickly the house goes to pot if you don’t constantly keep on top of things.
Do you live with your DC's dad?

If so, how much is he doing to help?

Original poster
namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 13:36

Thanks donut - no idea how you manage with two!!!

OP posts:
GothicaAutistica · 16/10/2021 13:38

A little hint, btw: you may have sudocrem and talcum powder for DS's nappy changing. I've found that they make great foundation and powder, in a pinch. Though bear in mind that I am a Goth! 🖤

Original poster
namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 13:38

DH does as much as he can to be fair, but is currently in the midst of setting up his own business, so his hours are crazy right now. I have less work at the moment so am taking on more of the housework and childcare. I really should be sorting things out now but am sitting on the sofa Mumsnetting and feeling shattered…!!

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 16/10/2021 13:41

Shower and clean clothes first - put you first then you might feel more energy to tackle the house.

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2021 13:42

@namechangeforoct

DH does as much as he can to be fair, but is currently in the midst of setting up his own business, so his hours are crazy right now. I have less work at the moment so am taking on more of the housework and childcare. I really should be sorting things out now but am sitting on the sofa Mumsnetting and feeling shattered…!!
Ok, this is normally the case with most MNetters who are on their knees - their DPs are working too many hours to be of any use around the house.

Realistically, he'll be able to kill a few jobs of the hit list (if you make one), even if it takes him a few days.

You shouldn't be the one bearing the brunt of everything here. The two of you need to get on top of it and then it'll be easier for you to keep on top of it.

Strangevipers · 16/10/2021 13:42

Cleaner 1 hour a week - ask her or him to do your washing , floors , kitchen and bathroom and hey presto problem is solved

Strangevipers · 16/10/2021 13:43

P.a if it's a money issue find somewhere you can cut back to save £15

Such as cheaper food and drink choice or cheaper hair products or something

Jmaho · 16/10/2021 13:44

Yes I can relate. I have a to do list that I will probably have for the next 20 years. Just no time to do things. If I were in your shoes today I'd make myself a coffee. Make a list of the main tasks you need to complete before mil comes over. Then sit and drink your coffee than blitz it. Don't stop until it's done. Then once it is have a shower out some clean clothes on and worry about the rest of it later/tomorrow

Weseylady · 16/10/2021 13:45

This is what helped me in toddler years.
Dh looked after them for a short while b fore work.i wd then get dressed quick and do make.up extra quick!
Then in the am I would prep or cook most of the eve meal.whist dc ( 2 under 2) were at their best, not tired etc. We wd then mostly go to a platgroup ,the park etc.
Then they.wd fall asleep on way.back even if i had to walk and walk near our house. I was desp for a rest.!
Then i wd rest when they slept.then lunch . Then some tv.
Then play.
I found it helpful to limit amount.of toys avalibale and rotate them.
If they were fractious i wd put them.in bath with toys and lavender oil which soothed them.and me .
I wd fold laundry next to them whilst they did this .dh.used to.come back to an untidy house quite a lot if we were doing art or something.
Dh took over while i finished tea. He bathed them whike i ran round tidy up , v quick qnd not v good clean and hoover.
We were exhausted but each season passes. 😘

Original poster
namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 13:46

Also does anyone else find it slightly soul destroying when their toddler throws their food that you’ve made on the floor? I know it’s not their fault, but god it’s exhausting!

OP posts:
HowardNoir · 16/10/2021 13:50

Get some cupboard locks/tie a ribbon around handles so he can't get in. Move half of his toys, books etc to another room so he has less to get out at one time. Rotate them every couple of days. Get some open top boxes to chuck everything into, no need to organise, just get the big stuff out of the way. If you can, get a little play pen or barricade him into one half of the room, hoover, clean, tidy, then swap him to the other side of the room. At 18 months he'll play by himself happily and you can still talk to him while he's playing.

Don't worry about 'boring days', he's at the age where everything is interesting so any toys, books, tv shows you give him will entertain him plenty.

Try to get a load of laundry in the machine before you start on dinner, then it should be ready to hang up or go in the dryer when he's asleep. Do little bits of cleaning like wiping the surfaces or sticking some bleach in the loo while you're in the room. Even if you just use anti-bac wipes.

If you can afford it, you can get some excellent hand held vacuums for around £20- £30, they're quiet so shouldn't upset him and you can get a fair bit of dust up with them without having to get out a big hoover or dust every surface.

Doing simple things like putting moisturiser on or brushing your hair can be done while you're in the room with him. If he's eating his lunch in his high chair you can be sat next to him folding clothes, putting some clean clothes on or putting some makeup on. My sister keeps a bag of clothes and makeup downstairs so she can get ready bit by bit through the day, it helps her feel a bit more human some days to be physically put together, even if she's not.

It is really difficult, it does get easier but in the mean time you just need to focus on keeping you both happy, fed and vaguely clean.

Peaflock · 16/10/2021 14:02

Organisation is key for me, DH works away a lot and with working full time as well I found the only way to get things done was to plan.

I have 2 washing up baskets that take the same amount of clothes as the washing machine does- one for light clothes and one for dark, when ones full I put it into wash so it never overflows but doesn't require much thought.

Got a secondhand storage thing for toys and pack them away at the end of the day, they aren't in any particular order so doesn't take long but feels much better to know it can be cleared quickly.

Food was always done in the same chair and either used a mat underneath or a car handheld hoover thing to clean up.

Not possible for everyone, but a dishwasher was the best thing we bought, was only a small cheap one but made so much difference.

Aim for hygienic minimum and clean if time- I make sure the bathroom, kitchen and areas DS plays in are hygienic and clean (not spotless though). If I do get time (rarely) I'll do a deeper clean and tidy of other areas, or some evenings I'll pop my headphones in and tidy.

I make sure I have a shower everyday as a priority as I feel gross without one, I used to pop a book into his cot to buy me some more time or set an alarm for before he woke.

Burnerphone21 · 16/10/2021 15:03

I thought my role in life for years was to cook food to bin immediately. It's hard!!

My best advice is Dont get dressed until 3 seconds before you leave the house x

Mynextname · 16/10/2021 15:22

I won't even bother giving you tips as as a mum of 4 I know it's probably not what you need. You just need to be kind to yourself.

It really is miserable when there is no time or energy left to do nothing but the essentials and then even those don't get done. It will get easier physically when the kids get to school age as you aren't up and down so much and there is less mess. But, it will be harder in some ways as well with constant school runs and homework ect. Plus, solving their issues becomes harder as they get older which is difficult. Suddenly a cuddle with mummy or a favourite teddy is no longer the answer. Still, generally it isn't quite as relentless.

You won't miss the exhaustion, you will probably be a little traumatised by it. On the other hand you will miss the physical closeness and you being the centre of their world. It may feel like forever but it really isn't and when it's gone it's gone. You have the rest of your life to not feel like this so just try and go with it for now. Take care x

Original poster
namechangeforoct · 16/10/2021 19:33

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the advice!

OP posts:
KatherineofGaunt · 16/10/2021 19:38

No advice, just sympathy. DS will be 3 soon and we're both still shattered. Sleeping okay, then not sleeping okay. Doesn't nap at all, the next day still asleep after an hour. Ate rice yesterday, today rice is the devil's food. Needs constant attention, wants to be actually on me at all times I'm vaguely nearby, house is untidy with toys everywhere, coats, shoes, piles of washing...

I'm told it gets better but I'm literally taking one minute at a time at the moment.