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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum watching my kids

51 replies

Mommabear20 · 16/10/2021 11:13

AIBU to say my mum has to watch my kids at my house and not hers?

Basically, my mum will be watching my kids (6 months old and 19 months old) 2 days a week when I go back to work in the new year. Because of my shifts she will be watching them for their lunch time and nap time, for this reason I want them to stay at home so they can nap in their own beds and not travel cots. Given that my mum had asked to be the one to watch them, not us asking her, AIBU to say she has to stay home with them and not ferry them across town twice a week?

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 16/10/2021 11:47

Honestly, if your mum is helping you out and doing it for free, then it needs to be up to her where she spends her time. Your kids will adapt just fine.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2021 11:48

I do really think it minimises the care and attention that goes into looking after children but maybe that's just me.

I completely agree with this point.

OP I can't understand how she'll only be taking care of your DC while they're asleep? How long are your shifts?

I think you need to talk to her. Are you paying her or is it a favour from your mum? I think you've a right to ask what works for you, but so does your mum. If it's not possible to reconcile the two, you'll need to pay for childcare.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 16/10/2021 11:49

You’re not unreasonable to ask, but you can’t force her. You just need to decide how flexible you are, and go from there. If staying at your house doesn’t work for your mum, do you have a plan b for alternative childcare? If yes, then you can insist. If your mum says no then use your alternative. If you don’t have another option, then you may have compromise. I’m assuming you’re not paying your mum, she’s doing it to help out. When someone’s doing you a favour, you sometimes need to adapt to them.

I know a few people who’s parent help with childcare, some prefer being in the children’s home. Others want to provide care at their own houses, and that’s one of the terms of them helping. All you can do is as.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/10/2021 11:50

I’m assuming that you have plug covers and stair gates etc, so they’d be safer at yours.

passionfruitpizza · 16/10/2021 11:50

To say she has to, yes YABU. Just get a nanny if you want someone looking after them in your home. Its totally understandable she'd want to look after them in her home.

icedcoffees · 16/10/2021 11:51

@GoodnightGrandma

I’m assuming that you have plug covers and stair gates etc, so they’d be safer at yours.
I'm pretty sure plug covers are no longer advised.
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/10/2021 11:53

Yabu

Original poster
Mommabear20 · 16/10/2021 11:53

We were planning to use a nanny but DM has asked to have them instead, we are grateful to be saving money but are happy to pay.

It is only a short time as mine and DH shifts on these 2 days overlap but 3 hours at most. He works mornings till early afternoon and I'll be working 11-7, so it isn't a full day thing.

I will talk to DM about it nearer the time I think and explain our position.

Thank you all for your responses. Lots of votes to consider 😊

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/10/2021 11:56

@Mommabear20

We were planning to use a nanny but DM has asked to have them instead, we are grateful to be saving money but are happy to pay.

It is only a short time as mine and DH shifts on these 2 days overlap but 3 hours at most. He works mornings till early afternoon and I'll be working 11-7, so it isn't a full day thing.

I will talk to DM about it nearer the time I think and explain our position.

Thank you all for your responses. Lots of votes to consider 😊

Wouldn't it be pretty difficult to find a Nanny willing to work just 6 hours a week?

I think you need to speak to your mum about this ASAP and not nearer the time.

Asleanna · 16/10/2021 11:57

@GoodnightGrandma

I’m assuming that you have plug covers and stair gates etc, so they’d be safer at yours.
Plug covers are actually dangerous and should not be used.
Sirzy · 16/10/2021 11:59

I would talk to her now, that gives time to find an alternative if needed.

I doubt you would easily find a nanny for such short hours

clockover · 16/10/2021 11:59

It is only a short time as mine and DH shifts on these 2 days overlap but 3 hours at most. He works mornings till early afternoon and I'll be working 11-7, so it isn't a full day thing.

Goodness I thought you meant 2 full days!

If it's just 2/3 hours twice a week I would let her crack on and wouldn't be remotely concerned about it.

Asleanna · 16/10/2021 12:00

I'd just be grateful to have the help and wouldn't mind if that was at my mum's house tbh! You'd find it difficult to find childcare for that short a time!

Mischance · 16/10/2021 12:01

I looked after my GC at my house because I was also looking after an OH with Parkinsons.

I had lots of their stuff duplicated at my house; and toys that they love to come and play with because they were a change from what was at their house. We developed routines that stuck as far as possible to the timings that my DDs used, but were subtly different. For example DGS had his nap at the same time, but in a lie-down pushchair - I used to wheel him out for a bit till he dropped off then park him in a room where I could keep an eye on him - or sometimes out on the decking. It became a routine that he recognised.

I do not think it does them any harm to have a small degree of variety in their daily routines; they adapt very quickly and seemed to regard there as being Grandma routines and Mum routines.

They began to get into slight differences in routine and accepted that this was just what they did at Grandma's and enjoyed the variety.

This is still the case - I pick them up from school sometimes and they slot into the routine here on those days very happily - and seem to enjoy it.

But .....my DD used to deliver them to me and collect them so I was not carting them about.

icedcoffees · 16/10/2021 12:01

Three hours?

Just let her crack on with it.

Pebbledashery · 16/10/2021 12:01

I'd be grateful for any family member helping with childcare and would adapt to them, whether they offered or not. Your mum is saving you a second mortgage in childcare. Don't be precious about it.

Pbbananabagel · 16/10/2021 12:06

YABU. Nurseries where I live are £79 PER Day. So for 2 kids, your mum would be saving you £360pw.
My LO goes to his GP’s once a week, he naps there no problem, she takes him, she does things her way. Provided she’s not going crazy and ignoring your routine altogether she will manage, napping in the pram is no problem for kids that age.

Albanian · 16/10/2021 12:12

AIBU to say my mum has to watch my kids at my house and not hers?

Given that my mum had asked to be the one to watch them, not us asking her, AIBU to say she has to stay home with them and not ferry them across town twice a week?

I have happily cared for (NOT just watched) my own pre school grandchildren since my DD returned to work. However if I was ever told I HAD TO do it a certain way or in their home I am not sure I would agree. And as for ferrying them across town, why are you expecting your mother to do the ferrying too? My daughter and son in law, being grateful to me always did the ferrying to my house themselves and provided anything that was needed. My grandchildren always settled easily for naps at my home, their second home in many ways, and it was never an issue.

You do come across as completely ungrateful and without a single thought for what might be easier for your mum, and therefore do think you need to employ paid childcare if you want to dictate exactly what should happen and where and when. Of course at any nursery they would not be able to nap in their own beds, and nursery staff would not do the ferrying either, so you maybe should consider a nanny who would work in the way you wished (though please don't belittle a nanny's profession by calling it just watching your children).

DroopyClematis · 16/10/2021 12:13

For 3 hours max, your children will be fine at your mum's house, if that's what mum would prefer.

Pebbledashery · 16/10/2021 12:25

@Albanian

AIBU to say my mum has to watch my kids at my house and not hers?

Given that my mum had asked to be the one to watch them, not us asking her, AIBU to say she has to stay home with them and not ferry them across town twice a week?

I have happily cared for (NOT just watched) my own pre school grandchildren since my DD returned to work. However if I was ever told I HAD TO do it a certain way or in their home I am not sure I would agree. And as for ferrying them across town, why are you expecting your mother to do the ferrying too? My daughter and son in law, being grateful to me always did the ferrying to my house themselves and provided anything that was needed. My grandchildren always settled easily for naps at my home, their second home in many ways, and it was never an issue.

You do come across as completely ungrateful and without a single thought for what might be easier for your mum, and therefore do think you need to employ paid childcare if you want to dictate exactly what should happen and where and when. Of course at any nursery they would not be able to nap in their own beds, and nursery staff would not do the ferrying either, so you maybe should consider a nanny who would work in the way you wished (though please don't belittle a nanny's profession by calling it just watching your children).

Basically everything this person has said. I'd be falling at my mums feet if she was offering to care for my child whilst I worked. You are being very entitled.
marykitty · 16/10/2021 12:25

I love when DS goes to MIL, my house stays clean Grin

liveforsummer · 16/10/2021 13:07

Surely if the other alternative is nursery then they won't be in their beds at nap time. It's good for kids to have a bit of mixed experiences I find. Makes your lives far less restricted and they'll be fine in a travel cot. Personally I'd go with whatever the person kindly looking after them wanted unless you're employing a professional

Brefugee · 16/10/2021 13:11

meh. You can ask her, but be prepared for her to say no and for you to have to find alternate care

Dandy0911 · 16/10/2021 14:00

@Ponoka7

Your 19 month old is due to change routine. Your then 9 month old might be going through development changes, so I wouldn't get caught up in arguments about this. In six months they are going to be very different children. They'll be at an age were they're best going out every day. For development and socialisation. You won't carry on living around their naps. So suggest until March and the better weather, passed the flu season etc stay in yours. Then look at it again.
Totally agree with this.

Surely they're at the age / coming up the the age where you don't need to live around their naps? Kids change all the time and their schedules won't always be how they are now. Not for long at all.

My mum has my 11 month old 3 afternoons a week. I'm so incredibly grateful, and I wouldn't ask her to have DD at our house, she has her own things to get on with and can potter and do housework / go out etc. She has a travel cot and a buggy at hers to save traipsing bags of stuff around.

Rosesareyellow · 16/10/2021 14:15

If you used a childminder or nursery you’d have to drive there and pay for the pleasure. YABU.