To ask why this friend stays with the asshole?

[goingslowfornow]

Known friend for 30 years. She's been with the same guy on and off throughout. It's off only when he wants it to be. She's independent, funny, good career, kind, great group of friends.

Here is a summary of some of the stuff he's done

Unfaithful all the time
Won't live with her and keeps separate flat
Comes on to all her friends - routinely
Refused to divorce ex-wife he was with decades ago for matter of months to avoid committing to friend
Reluctantly fathered child with friend at her request but won't be involved

He's awful. Compulsive liar. Misogynistic. Small. Ugly. Total shit.

It's been great not having to deal with him during lockdown but now he's back at gatherings and insufferable as ever. But, she doesn't mind. She loves him.

So do I just smile and go along with it? I know it's her choice but I find it infuriating that she enables him. It's like he's sneering at the rest of us and making a fool of her in plain sight.

What would you do?

I had to ditch a friend who had a partner like this. It’s a bit more complicated than that but I won’t spend time with people like that and therefore the friendship couldn’t survive.

Good god, I hear you. It's so tough when your friend, who you know could do so much better, ends up with someone like that, and bloody sad to see her putting up with such awful treatment

It's entirely her choice though. Nod and smile. There is a limit to how much I would be prepared to listen to her offloading about his shitty behaviour, but your limits may be different to mine. A former friend of mine was married to a controlling wanker. I found it very difficult to be around (I have my own history with controlling men). Our friendship ended for a whole lot of reasons, but I really don't miss being around her relationship. So think of yourself in all this too

Who knows - they're afraid of being alone? I have a friend who is with an ahole. She calls me several times a week crying about his behaviour. She knows he's an ahole but says she is afraid of being alone so she stays.

Really infuriating when they have no ties and can leave. But nothing you can do unfortunately. You can only hope one day they gather enough strength to stop putting up with this shit and leave.

There's no rhyme or reason as to why people choose their partners and its completely outside your control.

Unless it has become your problem - ie she's constantly calling you in tears asking for help -- you can't really get involved. You don't have to engage with him beyond being superficially civil so don't bother. You owe him nothing.

All you can do is be a good friend, an alternative source of support and help and hope that she sees the light. And be there if she does.

It’s really annoying-she has low self esteem I expect.

Today could be the day when I just tell him to fuck off

I find it really difficult to listen to them moaning but not be prepared to change anything because ultimately you can only really change yourself eg leave

@goingslowfornow

Today could be the day when I just tell him to fuck off

Well, why cant you tell him to fuck off? Your friend tolerates him, but it doesn't mean you have to.

Been here an hour and a half and a couple more drinks and I'm so tempted to let rip.

In her own home he's already spoken to two mutual friends about the plus side of FWB and leered over one of our friends DD (age 19).

I need to leave or I'm going to explode.

Why is she with him?????