To keep seeing Mr Right now (or is it selfish)?

[MargaretMorris]

I met a guy online & after being asked out on many dates, I chose one guy because he looked attractive & he sounded eloquent/interesting.

In person he had model looks (I'm ok but not on this level!), I hadn't had sex for ages & we slept together quickly. I kind of expected him to ghost. But he called and I thought, 'great, it looks like I have my first fwb.' It's been 1 1/2 months now & he calls multiple times a week and we see each other when we can.

We no longer go out on dates & spend multiple days at each others homes having an obscene amount of great sex, we cook for each other & have interesting chats. I feel lighter/happier in the days after seeing him. I am an artist & he writes, so I think I'm leaning into that bohemian side more when I'm with him (I have a soul sucking corporate day job).

But the red flags mean we are never going to be a long term prospect. For one thing, smoking is a deal breaker & he smokes weed here & there when together. His job is low paid & unambitious although he owns a decent home & car. He has ADHD & I'm a bit introverted - I could see the endless energy becoming a bit much/sometimes it gets a bit draining.

The last time he visited though, he started opening up about his family, brought me lots of drinks/meds when I wasn't feeling great & wants to see me again asap. And it made me think - have I been wrong to think he sees this as fwb? Is it wrong to keep seeing him for now when I enjoy being with him but don't see it being long term?

I think you need to be honest with him if you just want him as FWB. However, if he's a friend why wouldn't he buy stuff for you when you're ill?

Hmm I suppose I can't really call him a friend seeing as we didn't know each other before @RedHelenB

I thought it was obvious we are casual, especially as he seems very sex focused. But last time he visited we stayed up talking to 7am which made me think there was more to it.

I like him & therefore wouldn't want to hurt him. But how do I broach it. 'so this is just casual, right? Not looking to wedding bells, just so you know?'.

I've never been in this situation. I've generally been a serial monogamist or occasional one night thing.

The weed thing is probably self medicating the ADHD - does he take proper meds for it? If not then if he did it could keep him calmer and keep him off the weed and possibly make this work - but it's only been six weeks. Maybe talk to him about his ADHD a bit more and see if he would be prepared to medicate properly (if he doesn't already). It sounds like there are a lot of real positives in the relationship and that he's a decent bloke. How does he afford the house/car though? Not from something dodgy?

I don’t think it’s fair to lead him on. Something isn’t gelling in your head so why keep using him? He’s’s not treating it casual and it’s unfair of you to keep it on because you like him as a friend with benefits until someone better comes along. How would you feel if you were Ms right now but not tomorrow?

You're both enjoying it just now, don't see the need to say anything to ruin that just now, its early days, he makes you happy and you're having great sex, just keep enjoying it for what it is.

@Chickychoccyegg yep, I feel generally happier & the sex is great. He asked me if it seems like it keeps getting better and it does! I just feel I deserve a bit if happiness after 18 months of lockdowns and the crippling loneliness of being alone during most of that time.

@Tal45 I think that's probably true. When we first met he asked if I smoke and when I said no, he said 'that's great. Never start!'. Like you say, I don't feel I can say much about it right now. He did say he thinks his ADHD will require proper treatment though.

I think of you know the other person is thinking the relationship is something more, you shouldn't ignore it.

You see it here all the time. Threads from women who desperately care for a man, who clearly sees them as a casual shag. But keeps them on the hook, letting them believe it could be a real relationship and going somewhere.

It really messes with people's heads.

That's the thing, @Dontknowwhatsnext - I don't know that he does want more. He may be quite happy. But there is something about having a big serious chat about 'what is this??' that seems OTT.

I thought he only wanted sex until recently as the conversations have turned more coupley. He hinted that he wanted to come to an event I'm hosting for friends and it would be way too soon for me anyway, but it's stuff like that that makes me wonder.

I have a feeling that we are both enjoying the current situation a lot and no one wants to ruin it by bringing up a 'talk'. But I'm a decent person and don't want to lead him on either.

It's been 6 weeks, that's way too soon to make a call. Just relax and enjoy the time you spend together, sounds like you actually do like him, and he sounds like he might be a decent guy.
You don't need to make future plans just yet.

Honestly I think there’s too much pressure to put labels on things.

You’ve not known him for very long so right now you’re just seeing each other, it could turn into a FWB situation or a long term thing.
Just go with the flow and have fun. When it stops being fun then stop seeing him.

People can stop smoking weed.
Take that out if the equation - does it work.
If you’ve had kids abs are self-sufficient it could. If not

I’d keep an eye on things for now but if you continue to get the feeling he wants things to be more serious then I would do the decent thing and end it

@underneaththeash

People can stop smoking weed. Take that out if the equation - does it work. If you’ve had kids abs are self-sufficient it could. If not

Hi @underneaththeash can you explain more what you mean about having had kids and self sufficient?

I haven't had kids yet. I'm open to it and I'm late 20s. I'm self sufficient, with my own property and decent job.

I think if he's asking to meet friends and you're not willing to do that, I think you should let him down gently.

@GoWalkabout

I think if he's asking to meet friends and you're not willing to do that, I think you should let him down gently.

It's been a month and a half. I wouldn't invite any man to come and meet my best friends at that point. Maybe that's just me, but that's how it is.

You need/want an equal partner when you have children. One that can help or contribute to the pot. Having kids is expensive. If they’ve not got a good job - they can’t.
If you were in your 50’s having had your children abs could be financially independent from your partner, it wouldn’t matter so much.

I understand @underneaththeash. It is definitely worth taking into consideration.

But he is young and I am young(ish). I'm happier than I've been for quite a while at the moment. I think for now I'll opt for the advice from @toocold54 - and enjoy the happiness I'm feeling. Maybe it isn't the most sensible thing to do for my future - that is on my mind somewhat - maybe it is selfish. That is on my mind too. But IS early days at 6 weeks too.