Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym
Alexa: I have added gin to the shopping list
Me: Near enough.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"Heavens!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"