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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Actually we are all 'real' women living in the 'real' world

34 replies

Bumpitybumper · 15/10/2021 09:12

I am fed up of people declaring that because someone has some form of privilege or is different than the majority that their experience or very existence isn't 'real'.

The idea that 'real' women are a certain size is ridiculous. We are all human females that are alive and therefore are 'real'.

We all live in planet earth and therefore exist in the 'real world'. Some of us have an existence that is more representative of the majority or has more contact with difficult and hard parts of society but that doesn't make it more 'real'. It's just such a easy lazy way of dismissing different opinions and people's lived experiences. Kate Middleton is just as much of a part of the 'real world' as you are. Equally your experience of the world is as valid as someone born in the most deprived areas on Earth.

Basically my point is we all are part and in many ways form the 'real world'. It's not only reserved for those that feel that they have had enough struggle or difficulty in their lives to justify their place. You may struggle to give advice and bond with people with different life experiences but this doesn't mean you don't live in the real world.

OP posts:

RedCarsGoFaster · 15/10/2021 09:14

No, some people definitely live in a fantasy land. Or have a world view so incompatible with reality that they aren't living in the same world as the rest of us.

Softleftpowerstance · 15/10/2021 09:16

Is your Aibu confirming the laws of physics? Because yes, we all live in a real physical world. But otherwise you’re missing the point. Some people are so privileged that they’ve lost perspective.

Wazzzzzzzup · 15/10/2021 09:18

The problem is that everyone haa different "realkty" and all the sides often refuse to accept the other.
We are all real women, living in real world (which mn is not😁), but our life experiences and realities don't necessarily aline with others'. That's that

Original poster

Bumpitybumper · 15/10/2021 09:27

@Softleftpowerstance

Lost perspective of what though? The implication is that there is an accepted single 'real world' and if you can't perceive it clearly then your views are invalid, irrelevant or lesser.

In the UK the vast majority of us are relatively privileged and have very little perception of how the majority of the world lives. Are our views all invalid because of this? Do none of us live in the 'real' world because life can be immeasurably harder elsewhere?

OP posts:

Milkbottlelegs · 15/10/2021 09:30

Some people are so privileged that they’ve lost perspective

Only in the same way that those who believe everyone with money is happy are misinformed.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 09:31

Someone online put it well when they said, we might all be in the same storm, but we are in vastly different vessels.

3scape · 15/10/2021 09:33

Oh dear. Have you been distressed by someone suggesting some people are incapable of grasping the realities of others situation? Or do you think that everyone automatically can empathise but choose not to?

CorrBlimeyGG · 15/10/2021 09:39

we might all be in the same storm, but we are in vastly different vessels.

This is so true. The NHS is a perfect example, in theory we all get the same, but the reality is very different. If you know how to ask the right questions, get to the right people, and can afford the costs of public transport or parking, your experience is very different to that of someone without that knowledge or funds available.

Original poster

Bumpitybumper · 15/10/2021 09:40

Just to add, I have lived in many places in my life and been surrounded by people with vastly different cultures and socio-economic backgrounds. What I have realised is the vast majority of us tend to mix with people like ourselves in similar situations and with similar outlooks. That makes us think that there is a single reality shared by most people and this is 'normal'. I think the actual truth is very different but the echo chamber we often surround ourselves reinforces this view.

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 15/10/2021 09:47

I think everyone has issues yes.However the difference between very rich and privileged people with no worries financially ,makes life a lot more comfortable than living in a rented home with all the financial worries on top!

CorrBlimeyGG · 15/10/2021 09:48

I think the actual truth is very different but the echo chamber we often surround ourselves reinforces this view.

You seem to be disagreeing with your original post? We don't know what other people go through in life. You can experience different cultures but you don't live their lives.

Original poster

Bumpitybumper · 15/10/2021 09:48

@3scape

I think we are all incapable of truly grasping the reality of other people's situations. I think we are all capable of showing empathy and as much understanding as possible.

What isn't ok is to dismiss anyone on the basis they don't live in the 'real' world.

OP posts:

CorrBlimeyGG · 15/10/2021 09:55

What isn't ok is to dismiss anyone on the basis they don't live in the 'real' world.

If you're trying to preach to someone in a far worse situation than yourself (and that's what is coming across from your posts), then it's fair to ask you to shut up.

qualitygirl · 15/10/2021 09:57

@dottiedodah but being rich and having NO financial concerns don't always come hand in hand. The more you have, the more you gave to lose surely.
I am in a good place financially, albeit not mega rich but I still have worries about money at times.

Glitterybug · 15/10/2021 10:06

I'm not going to accept Kate Middleton pretending that we are all in this together for eg lockdown when she's got an army of nannies, cleaners, cooks, drivers, gardeners to do all the grunt work for her. She's never had a proper job and she lives off hoarded wealth that she hasn't earned, firstly her parents and now her equally over privileged husband. I'll happily say she's got no idea about the real world. She hasn't got to worry about fuel shortages, or gas price rises, or the cost of school shoes when your kids grow out of them. She can get to fuck pretending she's just like the rest of us.

appleturnovers · 15/10/2021 10:07

This is one of my absolute pet peeves.

One of my SILs basically thinks anyone who hasn't had the exact life experience she has had "hasn't lived in the real world". Teachers don't live in the real world, as far as she's concerned. Most graduate-level jobs "aren't the real world". Anyone who is a member of a union "doesn't live out here in the real world".

Her own work experience mostly consists of being a shop assistant in nice department stores plus some waitressing, but she talks as though she's more qualified to talk about business/economics/politics than any of us because her work experience has been "in the real world" whereas working with disadvantaged teenagers day in day out for 20 years (as a teacher) is "living in a bubble" and "never properly entering the adult world". Drives me mad.

And yes, it is valid to talk about privilege, or how some people's experiences give them knowledge that other people won't have (and that applies to everyone to be honest), but I just wish it wasn't phrased as being "real" or "not real".

ChristieMalry · 15/10/2021 10:08

I agree with you, OP. After all, didn't Jesus Himself say: is this the real life? Or is this fantasy?

HarrietsChariot · 15/10/2021 10:09

Everything that can be imagined is real. Dragons, unicorns, ghosts, aliens are all real because people can understand the concept of what they are and build up a picture of them without having personally seen them.

Just because something doesn't exist or isn't true doesn't mean it isn't real. There are legal definitions of truth, but truth isn't the whole reality. A made up fact like John Lennon enjoyed torturing puppies is as real as saying he wore silly glasses and had long hair. It wouldn't have stood up in court because there was no evidence to prove it, but that doesn't make it any less real.

What's different is the individual perception of reality. You might think you look great, another person might find you repulsive. Both views are correct, both are real, as is every other possible opinion of your appearance.

ChristieMalry · 15/10/2021 10:10

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.

Original poster

Bumpitybumper · 15/10/2021 10:13

@CorrBlimeyGG

What isn't ok is to dismiss anyone on the basis they don't live in the 'real' world.

If you're trying to preach to someone in a far worse situation than yourself (and that's what is coming across from your posts), then it's fair to ask you to shut up.

I'm not but I agree with your sentiment fully but would extend it further and say anyone preaching to another person can shut up. That includes someone who perceives themselves as living in the 'real world' preaching to someone that they perceive isn't. Nobody has the right to preach to anybody else!

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 15/10/2021 10:20

No such thing as a 'real' woman other than a human female over the age of majority. Same for men.

Underhisi · 15/10/2021 10:44

I think it is reasonable to use it when someone is refusing to accept that other people's real world's are different from their own and everyone doesn't have the advantages they have.

groundhoglet · 15/10/2021 10:46

Easy come, easy go

Wazzzzzzzup · 15/10/2021 10:48

I think people should stop talking about standard level of schooling, not using food banks etc as "advantage and privilege". Kind of makes it sound like it shouldn't be a standard and acceptable standard is shite education and no food at home...
Bit off topic.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2021 10:59

You’re absolutely right OP. And actually it explains why many people, such as members of the current government, are so callous. Johnson and the like.

They’ve no need to know about or understand peoples much more difficult lives. Their world is their real world and the only one they will ever live in.

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