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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask Autism parents advice

14 replies

Mymapuddlington · 14/10/2021 19:47

Sorry for blatantly using aibu for traffic.

My son is 11. Told he was likely autistic at 6 months old.

I know I’m a terrible, horrible person. I had him at 21 and was a great mother until he was about 6. I’m a single mum which is fine, he’s a good kid. But I’m so, so, drained. It’s like the toddler stages never ended. I’m still wiping bums, cleaning up after him, having to wash him. He was excluded from age 6 to age 10 when covid hit so it’s been 24/7 for a long while. I lost my mum and dad recently and I’m at breaking point.

If you’ve ever been in this situation how do you get through it? How do you do everything every day with no respite, no reward.

OP posts:

Glassofshloer · 14/10/2021 19:48

Op that sounds so hard. You’re NOT a terrible mother, or a horrible person. I don’t have any autism experience but hopefully you’ll get lots of advice here. I just wanted to wish you well, you sound very low

AnotherEmma · 14/10/2021 19:50

Has he been formally diagnosed?
It's not clear from your post whether he is in school or not, it sounds as if he would need a specialist school?
Do you claim DLA for him and Carer's Allowance for yourself?
Have you had a Care assessment for him and a carers assessment for yourself?
You need support and respite care.

RandomMess · 14/10/2021 19:53

Tell social services you can no longer cope and you want to sign him over. At this point they may suddenly discover then can find and find respite carr for you.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 14/10/2021 20:01

Definitely not a bad parent.
Does he attend a special school or in a unit in mainstream or in mainstream? The SENCo should be able to help you.
If he’s in a special school or in a unit in mainstream his teacher is a good place to start.
Depending on his needs social stories are used to explain situations he encounters every day … eg if he can’t get on a bus without becoming disregulated, the stories which use pictures and minimal language to explain getting on a bus, the different sounds and sights he’d come across, the bell that makes a noise, the voice telling you what bus stop is coming up. These stories are used in a regular basis to help him understand from his viewpoint what he may come across
For personal hygiene it’s all about repetition, every day he brushes teeth, wipes bum after a poo, school should be able to guide you or print out for you visual aids if these help your son.
Respite is available by way of playgrounds, out of school activities and again school will be able to help you.

Also ASD websites have loads of info on them as well as activities you could have in place for your son

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/10/2021 20:06

He definitely should be in some form of school - he is entitled to that, and you need the break. I'm really sorry that you lost your parents, that makes everything even tougher .

80Dodgeballs · 14/10/2021 20:20

Most definitely not a bad parent, it is absolutely exhausting. I was crying myself last night thinking what a shit Mum I was for only feeling like I'm only doing the bare minimum.

When you had a baby, I bet you didn't expect to still be washing your child and wiping their bum at 10. It's something you have to just get on with but it doesn't mean it's a walk in the park. Plus you've lost your parents, that's enough to make anyone want to just crawl into bed and hide!

Loom for your local offer on your council page to get respite care. Ours is £2/hour for clubs.

Plus ask your local council's Money Advice Unit to help.you to apply for DLA. You could use that to get some respite or buy in help like a cleaner.

I struggle and have a partner. I think if I was a single Mum, I would have broken by the time the kids were 5!

YourSpleenIsDamp · 14/10/2021 20:28

It is hard, and so relentless. Mine are 10 and 13, both autistic, single parent. Sending gin! But more practically:

Does he have a diagnosis?
Are CAMHS involved?
What's happening with his education? Was he permanently excluded? Is he receiving any education, or have you just been left to sink or swim? Plenty of suggestions for support for you and for him, but it depends a bit on the answers to the above

TheSoapyFrog · 14/10/2021 20:31

I cope because I have to and I love my boy, I'm his mum and this what I do! He has a twin as well who is being assessed for autism. My son was diagnosed when he was 2, he also has learning disabilities. A lot of my support comes from his specialist school. He has a disability social worker who, to be fair to her, is useless, but she did refer us for Direct Payments so I could get some respite. Unfortunately I haven't found anyone suitable yet. However, two of his TAs from school are recently available for babysitting if I need. Maybe you could go down these routes for respite.

Kb2942 · 14/10/2021 20:33

I don't really have much advice op but you are not alone. I am not a single parent but I can sympathise, I have been a single parent in the past. Ds is 10 and also autistic. He is very testing at the minute. He lacks independence plus he doesn't go sleep until late so I get zero time. Dp is at work and I'm just lying in bed whilst he is in and out of bed... 🤯

It's phases here. Sometimes I feel like yeah we are bossing this then other times I feel like I can't go on. This week has been a bad one. Ds is so hyped up for some reason and he just hasn't chilled!!

Like I said I don't really have much advice as I'm finding it hard too! There is nothing in the area I live in the terms of support but it differs per area so please look up what's around. Some areas have some great support on offer, others like mine not so much.

You are not a bad mum 💕

Original poster

Mymapuddlington · 14/10/2021 21:04

Thanks all ♥️
Is diagnosed, we do get dla.
Camhs aren’t interested and never have been.

We had a very long battle for school because he’s ‘too academic’ for special school buy his emotional/social/behavioural needs can’t be met by mainstream. He started mainstream a couple of hours a day last week and is doing ok. I hope that gives me the time I need to have a break and do something for myself.

We’re both waiting on covid results so I think it could be just that I feel so poorly and the usual battles feel harder.

OP posts:

OfNick · 14/10/2021 21:09

You're not a terrible or horrible person. Your life is hard work and that's understandable given the situation. I'm a single parent and have just posted myself as I cannot cope with my current situation. I have no advice but all I can say is you're not on your own. It genuinely sounds like you are doing your best and you can never do more than that. I always hope it'll get easier, don't it yourself down though - you don't deserve that

OfNick · 14/10/2021 21:11

I also have ASD children, one diagnosed and one on pathway. It makes it THAT much harder! You can do this, you're obviously a strong person to have got this far. Keep going!! One day you will get there. Sending virtual unmumsnetty hugs

Original poster

Mymapuddlington · 14/10/2021 21:25

Thank you I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

purpleflowerlegs · 14/10/2021 21:25

As a parent to an autistic 11yo who is bright, high IQ etc - fight for a specialist placement. Your life will be transformed. Ours was. It doesn't matter that they won't get as many GCSEs, it matters that they learn who they are, their place in the world, who friends are, self care and independence, being happy etc. A specialist placement does all of it - learning, therapy and independence. They attend full time regardless of challenges, no exclusions / phone calls - you get stability which in turn, gives your child stability.

I appreciate sometimes there isn't a perfect school though. Mine attends an autism school that caters for severely autistic to learning needs - mine an a few others have mainstream abilities in theory, but in reality, would never be able to access a mainstream curriculum due to their autism.

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