To think on-line dating is bloody awful?

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I reluctantly spent some time yesterday looking at a dating site, having lost all hope of the guy I was seeing turning out to be a sensible proposition.

Amongst the men who had been selected for me we had: one polyamorist, one transvestite, one would-be "dom" and one who boasted that he hadn't had a haircut for over a decade.

I then received an "introductory" message from someone I had already dated. Granted it was a while ago, but he clearly had no recollection of ever meeting me (I recognised him straight away).

Is it worth devoting any more time trawling through the site? Or do they all have weird kinks / complete dating amnesia? I'm late 40s, in case that's relevant.

I think you just need time for it, which I don’t have. Time to scroll through, time to message lots of different people and keep up the conversation, time to go on a sea of first dates, as you know most will be awful/ not for you.

Keep thinking I’ll pick it up again but dont.

I did get lucky at first and met a nice guy on the first date I went on, but then after 8 months he moved abroad for work. Can’t really face it again!

The ones with a list of specifications for who they want, rather than “selling” themselves at all are awful.

“You will be xyz, no this, no that”… but what are you like? What are your interests and hobbies? I want to know if I’ll like you, not a shopping list.

I joined POF as a joke when I was in my final year at uni, my friend and I had seen a documentary about how bad the people were. Four days later I got a message from someone living in my hometown, we hit it off immediately, we text for the rest of the semester then dated for a while after I moved back and we've now been married for almost five years and expecting our first baby early next year. I know I got lucky but it can work.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

The ones with a list of specifications for who they want, rather than “selling” themselves at all are awful.

“You will be xyz, no this, no that”… but what are you like? What are your interests and hobbies? I want to know if I’ll like you, not a shopping list.

This of course is true for all users.

I married my OLD man but went out with a good few losers first.

This was 14 years ago though when there was still a stigma to it. It seems to be a lot more difficult now.

@TSSDNCOP

I appear to be matched perfectly with gentlemen that are in the twilight of their wishful thinking.

I darent pay the subscription until I've lost a couple of stone as they all want someone that's a size 10 despite clearly not having been able to see their penis under their tummy for many decades.

Brilliant

I gave this up this spring for good. Yes I met a few boyfriends but there are an awful lot of idiotic men out there and it’s quite demoralising if you keep going down the dating websites line.

I’m not saying you’ll meet anyone better in real life (last one was a potential cheater who lied and tried to encourage me to have an affair) but at least it’s in person.

I've recently deleted my OLD account as I couldnt bare it any longer. I've realised I'm happier single than trying to find the right guy for me.

I've heard some positive OLD stories, just not in my experience unfortunately.

@BathMatToe - you forgot the ones in/at sporting events or all around the world.

I got sick of the ones who’d say everything they were into (travelling, alligator wresting etc) - and still had time to be a lovely guy, dad to their kids from previous marriage etc.

You need to devote a lot of time to it and message lots of people...this is clearly where I have been going wrong. Doing that is mind numbing, less so in the early days, but generally I have never had the enthusiasm to scroll through more than a page.
I agree with everything said and especially about men of a certain age looking for a woman to travel with...yes I am still working :)

Met my husband on bumble. Was on that and tinder for 9 months. Met 6 guys in total. 3 wanted to see me again and I didn’t feel the same. 2 I would’ve seen but weren’t interested. Pretty good odds I reckon.

@crimsonlake

You need to devote a lot of time to it and message lots of people...this is clearly where I have been going wrong. Doing that is mind numbing, less so in the early days, but generally I have never had the enthusiasm to scroll through more than a page. I agree with everything said and especially about men of a certain age looking for a woman to travel with...yes I am still working :)

Er - that was about women a certain age looking for a cruise mate. I am a man. My point being there are (or were) some at least as awful candidates when you are a man of a certain age seeking a woman of similar age to share stuff with.

The problem for a lot of women who go online dating is that they are very passive. They wait for men to contact them and never make the first move. The problem with this is that they'll overwhelmingly get approaches from men who take the scattergun approach, throwing as much shit at the wall as they can in the hope some of it will stick. The men who message the most women are not necessarily the men who will make the best partners.

My view is that if a woman only ever gets creeps, perverts and/or nutjobs, then maybe her approach is wrong. What is it about her profile that attracts them, what is it about her initial reactions that encourages them? And the chances are she isn't approaching men herself - just being passive, waiting for them to come. If you walk into a bar the chances of Mr Right being the first person to talk to you are slim.

My complaints would include -
Women who only want to date younger men.
All the cliche-ridden profiles “just as happy with a long walk on the beach or curled up watching a dvd”. Errrghh
All the profiles that highlight the woman’s cat obsession- including the vast numbers who have a user name related to cats in some way. It’s not a differentiator in OLD - taken as read.

It can be soul destroying yes. But it depends which sites you use and how you use them.

I would never go on a paid site again-all the sane men are on the free ones anyway. I also found on the paid ones, ANYONE could message, so I'd have loads of messages from absolutely awful men that no one would look twice at. On Tinder and Bumble at least you can't get a message until you've matched.

I'd also say that you need to go on the first date fairly soon. Don't spend weeks and weeks chatting online. Sometimes the spark isn't there in person and it's best to know early on.

I've been on and off them for about 5 years and now in my third (and final hopefully!) serious relationship from OLD

The one that winds me up is the "I love nights out and nights in" and "I'm genuine and honest" not very original

Try eharmony, I know several people who met their spouse on there.

@HarrietsChariot

The problem for a lot of women who go online dating is that they are very passive. They wait for men to contact them and never make the first move. The problem with this is that they'll overwhelmingly get approaches from men who take the scattergun approach, throwing as much shit at the wall as they can in the hope some of it will stick. The men who message the most women are not necessarily the men who will make the best partners.

My view is that if a woman only ever gets creeps, perverts and/or nutjobs, then maybe her approach is wrong. What is it about her profile that attracts them, what is it about her initial reactions that encourages them? And the chances are she isn't approaching men herself - just being passive, waiting for them to come. If you walk into a bar the chances of Mr Right being the first person to talk to you are slim.

Yes actually you're right. Completely my fault someone spoke to me for 1/2 hour about a child sexual abuse case on a first date.

I wonder what about my profile screams "tell me everything you know about child sexual abuse". I wonder how my initial messages screamed "I want to know everything you have to tell me about child sexual abuse".

Thank you for you wise advice.

I’m marrying my tinder shag next month!

I married my first and only OKCupid match, after 3 years on Tinder/POF/Bumble - although I was mostly using those for entertainment and to pass the time on the odd date, I wasn't looking for something serious. When I was, I decided to have a look at OKCupid and the first man that I matched with was hilarious and clever and interesting, I got his number that night and deleted the next week having never looked at it again.

There are negatives, of course - chancers, weirdos, people thinking it's an online shopping service and just listing their 'requirements', people who are more likely to use it for sex (not inherently bad, but not what someone looking for a relationship wants).

But the positives are great, too - you (can) meet people outside of your usual geographic area, get a fascinating look at what people think is the most important aspects of themselves to present to the world (tells you a lot) and - and this is something that was mega important to me - if you use certain sites, you can state your views/preferences on stuff like politics, etc right upfront. Which saves you getting to a third date with someone who seems absolutely lovely and then suddenly spends an hour telling you about his love of Margaret Thatcher and his assertion that David Cameron was a genius and you realise you're trapped in a mid-range italian restaurant with a man who you now hate...not that that's ever happened to me, of course .

I could see from now-DHs profile we had the same political views, social views, views on sex, were looking for the same thing. Mega timesaver! (And made me fancy him immediately...)

Oops - deleted OKC I mean, not DH's number! ^^

YANBU I hate OLD, it's pretty grim and bleak. but until someone comes up with a better idea of how i meet a fella then I'm sticking at it. Problem is bumping into Mr/Miss Right in a bar are bit of a thing of the past.