Do I try one more time with step mum?

[Funkyslippers]

My dad died 2 years ago. My step mum has found it very hard without him. I supported her as much as I could, checking in on her etc but I couldn't see her much last year due to COVID. When my dad was alive she didn't take much interest at all in my 2 DC's. She was pleasant to them but didn't go out of her way to contact/see them. When I rang her last month I suggested bringing my 2 DC's up to see her and visit my dad's grave at the same time (she lives 1 hour's drive away). She said she'd rather I didn't bring them as 'older DC (17) has never rung me and you made it quite clear that I wasn't seen as their grandmother'. This isn't true as my dc1 rang her a few times but found it awkward as step mum kept crying on the phone, plus she doesn't really even know her very well. Step mum on the other hand has NEVER rung to speak to my dcs. I also didn't say what she accused me of but didn't want to argue with her. I do distinctly remember however her telling me she was going to be a grandmother when her daughter was expecting, even though I already had a DC! We ended the conversation with her saying 'I'll speak to you...sometime'. Tbh I don't want to ring her for her to say more hurtful things when all I've ever been is kind to her. I also get very nervous on the phone. I just feel like leaving her to it because we're not even close but my dad would've hated that.

I think you do what YOU want to do OP. She doesn't sound very nice at all and if she has her own daughter she isn't left alone by your dad's death. If she has accused you of something untrue as well I really think you need to protect yourself and your children from her unpleasantness.

If it makes you feel better, you could give it one more try, but reassure yourself that 1)you are doing it to honour your dear dad's memory 2)you gave it your best shot 3)you're making allowances for the fact that she is mourning.
Then, take her at her word; wait for her to "speak to you.....sometime."
Perhaps writing a nice card at an appropriate moment, (Christmas? birthday?) with a pleasant, friendly message, would be easier than speaking on the phone; that way, you can be seen to be doing the "keeping in touch" bit without the part which makes you nervous.

I’d leave it at that OP. Sorry she’s not being very nice to you. You don’t dishonour your dad’s memory by not allowing her to make you feel like this.
You have lost your dad, she has lost her husband. You both have to live with this fact, but not necessarily helpful to stay in touch if it’s strained.
I think you just needed someone to say that. Take care of you 💗

Leave it. Your dad chose to marry her, not you. Just because she's an old widow, you don't owe her anything if she's never bothered with your or your kids. People don't suddenly become good people just because they're old. The fact she doesn't want your children to come is horrible.

I don't think you have to make a final decision on this, just leave it for a while, send a xmas card and see how things are next year.

I have a step grandma like this.

I've just left it. She never seemed to enjoy her interactions with me, so I decided there was no point.

Several years later, we swap the occasional impersonal card, and that seems fine.