Am I being over critical with DH

[mapleandtreacle]

I've never discussed this with anyone before.

Me and my DH have been married for 2 years, we have an ok relationship but what I've began noticing I'd say since the pandemic really is that we don't have as much in common than I thought we did, my DH doesn't really have any hobbies or talents. I love reading, DH never read books, I love drama and theatre, DH has no interest either. I think my DH is someone who would be described as nice but dim. Can a marriage like this work? DH is very kind and affectionate but sometimes I do feel he is clingy. I remember before we got married we had a brief breakup and during that time he messaged me constantly trying to win me back, I just feel that if we split up he would be devastated. I know I might sound horrible but at a work conference he was asked to describe himself in a sentence and he called himself an affectionate and loving husband and for some reason when he told me this it just made me feel a bit icky, which I know sounds terrible.

Am I just coming across as being over critical and looking for faults in DH?

No, I couldn’t spend a week, far less a lifetime, with someone ‘nice but dim’, who doesn’t read, is clingy and has no interests.

But how is it that you married him less than two years ago? Even assuming lockdown thrust you more together more than previously, you must have known what he was like..?

Maybe.

Is he intelligent in other ways? I'm the "book smart" person here, went up university, read daily etc.

DH flunked school and never ever reads a book but has an amazing and encyclopedic knowledge of music (everything except classical and jazz), music history, motorbikes, military history, Royal history and random other things that take me aback from time to time. He did his GCSEs in maths and English in his 40s and was simultaneously diagnosed as severely dyslexic plus he has dyscalculia. Hence never opening a book.

I compromise on things that interest him (except his vape which I've been explicit about not wanting to hear about ohms, power, vape juices or any other part of the damn things - which he keeps breaking) and he does the same for me.

Is there anything you share?

Yes.

But not because I think you're a mean cow. Because I think you're over him and the relationship. My husband and I don't have many hobbies in common but we have a brilliant time together and if he described an attribute of his as being "a loving and affectionate husband" I would find that lovely because it is obviously something he is proud of.

BUT. If my drippy ex from years ago had done so, I'd have been faintly disgusted by it. And I stayed with him far too long after I'd checked out because of how I knew he'd react, and I didn't want a devastated heart lying broken on my conscience.

I should have left way earlier. All I did was prolong the agony. You're not suited and it doesn't work. So try and find your matches somewhere else

Ugh typos. Sorry!

To be honest, he sounds lovely and you sound fed up. If you don't love him like you used to, you will be finding things to be critical about - to justify in your own head why you don't love him anymore. (Just the impression I get from your post)

Do you have a sense of humour in common? Do you agree politically?
Do you like the same music? Are you sexually compatible?
Do you agree on lifestyle?

Hobbies aligning are a minor part of a relationship.

Have you ever looked at Esther Perel on You Tube or on her site - she is great for relationship insights.

You have buyers regret!

You split up because you had doubts before you got married but married him because of? Nerves, fear?

The difference in interests is one thing but thinking he is dim is a complete deal breaker for me.

I couldn't be with someone that I thought was dim.

I strongly recommend that you think long and hard before you consider having a family with him.

He sounds like a nice man.

If he is irritating you now, it will only get worse as time goes on.

How long were you together before you married that it is only now that you are discovering all these things?

What did you initially find attractive in him? What things do you have in common? What exactly do you want from a partner.

Yes, why did you decide to go back to him after your break-up? I’m assuming you instigated it.

To answer some of your questions, we have the same views politically, have a good sex life, I should not have used the word dim it wasn't very nice.

Perhaps he has the gift of a readiness for contentment. Sometimes difficult to witness if one doesn’t have it also.

I decided to get back with him as I felt he was kind, the reason we broke up in the first place was because we was long distance and it put a strain on our relationship and at the time I felt he saw me as a companion and someone to hang out with when I was in town but after our break up I realised he was serious about our relationship.

@mapleandtreacle

To answer some of your questions, we have the same views politically, have a good sex life, I should not have used the word dim it wasn't very nice.

But if it’s true he’s less intelligent than you, it doesn’t matter if it’s ‘nice’, surely? It’s bothering you. It would bother me.

Also depends on what you are using as a measure of intelligence. I have better qualifications than DH. I am better read and have a far better all round general knowledge, however if happen to be discussing politics he is very good at expressing his views in a competent and well structured manner, he is certainly very knowledgeable in that field. Likewise if we happen to be playing Scrabble or Countdown he will beat me hands down most of the time. If it was trivial pursuit or who wants to be a millionaire or some such I would win most of the time.
When it comes to general hobbies we both have a few we share but he is far better at recalling facts and figures related to them than I am.

Eurgh yeah that description would give me the ick too, if that's the only way he would describe himself. An affectionate and nice person,' would be fine if a bit bland but what he said is so blah and nothing-y to sum yourself up as if being a husband is his sole identity. ' You know MN would hate anyone who summed up their entire personality in a sentence as 'I'm an affectionate and loving wife.'

I don't think there's anything wrong in not being book-y, but yes I would struggle to spend the rest of my life who had nothing much they were passionate about. Whether it's learning from tv documentaries, being really into about politics, loving to travel, or being creative, e.g. building things, painting, whatever, but I couldn't imagine 60 years with someone who just comes in, watches the telly and talks about football.

How long have you been together in total?

Ahh you were long distance as well - that means you DIDN'T likely know each other that well.

Reason I make the above comments:

For the 1st 12-18 months the rose glasses are firmly in place biochemically and psychologically speaking AND people are on their best behaviour so it's unwise to make a major commitment in this period imo

BUT what then happens is kinda the opposite - you see allllll their faults and they yours and the effort of being on best behaviour slips. This supposedly lasts also approx 12-18 months

This also dissipates and a more realistic view of your partner/spouse is reached and they of you.

With long distance you don't get to know each other as well as you would without it. Partly due to the practicalities of dating and geographical distance, partly as you're then only required to be on best behaviour on the occasional meet-ups which means overall people are able to maintain the best behaviour within the relationship for a longer period than usual. It's also because you're not spending time together in a "normal" way if you're long distance it's a bit more intense but also a bit more removed from normality.

Re nothing in common - bit odd this seems to be an issue now. Most people generally do notice this fairly early on.

My ex and I are very much opposites!

I - am academically intelligent, bookish even, I like theatre, cinema, art, pop and rock music but nothing too extreme, puzzles, cross stitch, knitting, coffee and a chat with friends, very politically engaged (socialist leaning) and enjoy discussing, vegetarian but love food and cooking, and anti animal cruelty, barely drink (we met at a club but I wasn't really a club person even then - late teens/early 20's - I was there for a friends birthday outing)

He - left school with 3 GCSEs he scraped, joined the army at 17 basically cos his dad was army and he couldn't think what he really wanted to do, he wasn't even sure what area of army he wanted to go into the recruiter basically chose for him!, not academically intelligent by any stretch, not a reader, rarely managed to watch a film as couldn't maintain the concentration, thinks theatre and art are boring and would never even go to a musical/comedy, heavy metal fan musically disliked chart/gentler music, very into sport especially rugby, hates "sitting about doing nothing", likes to be physically active always, had NO clue about politics when I first met him despite this being the time of the first gulf war being very recent and he and his colleagues still being deployed over there, he had zero understanding of the issues involved, didn't read any papers or watch the news as it was "boring" and when I did and stuff about military came up etc he didn't understand how it connected to his life, very fussy eater and COULDN'T cook, loved meat though especially bacon, big drinking culture in the army so I was wary of that he was a regular but not heavy drinker, out at clubs or gigs/concerts 3-4 nights a week

So...on paper we were very different but:

We had the same sense of humour, liked the same comedians, liked the same fictional tv shows mostly, initially had the (seemingly) same values re family, marriage and kids, although he wouldn't have identified them as such at the time as he simply didn't have the understanding/vocabulary we held similar political views, both from big families (he's youngest of 4 I'm eldest of 3 but in addition my parents are each from big families and despite distance I was very close to my cousins), sexually compatible.

So there were pros and cons.

When we split SO many people said to me that they were very surprised we'd lasted as long as we had (10 years married, 13 almost 14 years together) BECAUSE he really was as thick as 2 short planks! And they didn't "see me" with someone like that.

Briefly, my dd has recently reconnected with him and she is VERY intelligent much more than me! Couple of conversations we've had she's been like "geez it's hard you really have to put everything in words of one syllable for him don't you?"

Which is true. He's not really...stupid he can be very knowledgeable in areas he's INTERESTED in but anything remotely academic or of that level and he's lost!

Dd has just started uni and she's had to "dumb down" her explanation of exactly what she's studying, explaining how the accommodations and financing works etc

Ex sees uni and student loans as not worth the trouble and very much was negative even about the IDEA of dd going to uni it was all so alien to him, at one point I was getting so worried as he seemed to be putting HER off!

You DO need to have certain things in common I think for a relationship to work (and yes I know mine didn't - his infidelity - but it did for a while and I've obviously observed others too) and even studies experts agree on the following:

Same values in terms of family/marriage etc
Same approach to finances (we had a few issues there)
Roughly same values politically or at least not totally opposite
Similar sense of humour
Similar approach to friendships (as these are also relationships of a type)

Many couples have different hobbies and interests but are able to come together in other ways.

Wife 2 has a phd! So she's very intelligent too, dd says that some of their arguments do basically come down to him not understanding things wife is trying to discuss and wife gets frustrated with having to always simplify for him.

You sound contemptuous of him and like you've lost respect for him. You have to think about if you can get this back for the relationship to succeed.

There is no point in listening to people who try to tell you that equal intelligence, intellectual curiosity or interest in culture and the world aren't what's important in a relationship. They are clearly important to you (and they are to me too). Tbh it sounds like he wasn't really right for you, but you went ahead because you convinced yourself it was the right thing to do.

@Neonplant

You sound contemptuous of him and like you've lost respect for him. You have to think about if you can get this back for the relationship to succeed.

Contempt is a death knell for a relationship in my experience!

You don't sound like you actually like him very much, OP. If he were a friend, and you weren't legally married to him, would you choose to spend time with him? How much time - good friends, or passing at a party acquaintances?

I'm not saying it's a blanket rule, but when you choose to spend a large % of your life with someone - in the same home, spending holidays together, facing a decade or two of retirement together - I firmly believe that person should be pretty high in the list of your favourite people. Someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with and find interesting - otherwise, why commit to such a lot of time spent together?

If you'll forgive my blunt line of approach, it sounds as though he seemed safe and kind and you thought that'd be enough - bad relationship history? - but it's not (for most people).

I think you should have a very hard think about whether or not you can see yourself spending a huge proportion - 60%, 80% if you factor in work etc - of your entire life having conversations with him. Does that feel good, or like a chore?

I've no idea if you can come back from it if it's the latter, but I do know should be the former.

@lazylinguist

There is no point in listening to people who try to tell you that equal intelligence, intellectual curiosity or interest in culture and the world aren't what's important in a relationship. They are clearly important to you (and they are to me too). Tbh it sounds like he wasn't really right for you, but you went ahead because you convinced yourself it was the right thing to do.

Agreed. It doesn’t matter how many DPhils come on to post that they’ve been blissfully happy for half a lifetime with a man who has never read a book but is really good at DIY, if it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you.

Well it depends how 'dim'. If you mean someone who is boring, has no passions or interests, is not interested in learning about anything, then that would drive a lot of people mad. If you mean he hsnt got good exam technique and prefers to get his information from sources other than books then that wouldn't bother me.

Also the book thing...I love reading. I dont really care if my partner loves reading or not because unless you're reading the same books at the same time, there isnt that much to discuss about them. Its, in my opinion, a solitary hobby so what does it matter if he has the same solitary hobby or not?

I'm sure you must have some things in common and that there's more to him than being kind?
Maybe you're just ready to have time to yourself again? Separate hobbies and social lives can be really healthy

I could not be with anyone who I considered 'dim'. It's not fair on them to start with.