Dealing with negative and critical family members

[Charlene1971]

My dilemma is that I have immediate family members who I want to share positive news with, but I know I'll come away from it feeling worse off.

For example, recently I started a course that will help me progress quite a lot in my chosen career. I haven't told them because their response will be to either find something negative about it, or just say nothing at all. It's never a "Well done, that's good news!".

My concern is that one day they'll find out about the aforementioned course, and ask why I never told them. AIBU to think I should tell them the truth? Or should I make something up?

I think you're over thinking this. Just don't mention it rather than make something up. If one day they ask then just say, oh I'm sure I told you.

I don't tell my mother or sister anything these days as they're dementors and stuck the joy out of everything. If I have to see them I just make inane small talk and smile and nod.

@BoxOfDreams

I think you're over thinking this. Just don't mention it rather than make something up. If one day they ask then just say, oh I'm sure I told you.

I don't tell my mother or sister anything these days as they're dementors and stuck the joy out of everything. If I have to see them I just make inane small talk and smile and nod.

That's pretty much what these people are like haha they suck the joy out of any nice news you have. They will ALWAYS find something negative to say :(

Spend far less time with them for a start!

Don't bother lying and do what Box suggested.

Good luck on the course

Grey rock technique - look that up.

It’s incredibly powerful to lower contact give zero info proactively and respond with vanilla noncommittal responses to any Qs. It doesn’t give them any traction.

Congratulations on the course - step back and step up from these shitty people - don’t give them your finite and precious time, headspace and emotional energy - don’t let them dictate or shadow your self esteem or mood - only hang out with emotionally healthy, positive and radiant people - it’s contagious.

If they say you never told them, tell them they never asked about you.

I have family who complain I never tell them anything. I've had the same mobile number and lived in the same house for over a decade, but they never reach out to me to ask me how I am.

I have the same with a close family member. It is such a drag. I always come away feeling worse if I try and open up or share positive news. So I never tell them anything. Which has led to a stilted, closed relationship. Which is sad. But don’t know what else to do 🤷‍♀️ ? Reading other replies/ideas with interest…

*They will ALWAYS find something negative to say sad"

My family are the same. I think my mother actually thinks it's her job to present the negative angle to anything I say. She's the opposite with my brother however.

We moved to a house that faces onto protected parkland, my mother said "Oh you call it parkland do you? I think of it as wasteland".
I mention a potential trip to Canada - "Alright if you like trees I suppose."
We mention DD getting a scholarship to an independent school - "How are you going to fit in with all those posh people?"
You get the gist. I think she'd rather gouge her eyes out with a rusty spoon than say something nice or positive to me. It used to upset me and wind me up, since taking a big step back I generally just laugh about her. She has a very sad life.

@BoxOfDreams

*They will ALWAYS find something negative to say sad"

My family are the same. I think my mother actually thinks it's her job to present the negative angle to anything I say. She's the opposite with my brother however.

We moved to a house that faces onto protected parkland, my mother said "Oh you call it parkland do you? I think of it as wasteland".
I mention a potential trip to Canada - "Alright if you like trees I suppose."
We mention DD getting a scholarship to an independent school - "How are you going to fit in with all those posh people?"
You get the gist. I think she'd rather gouge her eyes out with a rusty spoon than say something nice or positive to me. It used to upset me and wind me up, since taking a big step back I generally just laugh about her. She has a very sad life.

It’s great when it’s soooooo predictable - then you can have fun with it - play “misery bingo” with your other relatives - so you mentally strike off all of the predicted responses and standard misery quotes on each visit….can give each other a little eye contact when it happens…..and drop in “full-house” “two fat ladies” randomly into conversations ….

Or don’t even bother !

The corollary of this is the family member who tells you something they're planning to do, asks what you think and doesn't take kindly to be given an answer they don't want to hear.. If you don't want an honest answer then don't ask the question!

@JudgeJ

The corollary of this is the family member who tells you something they're planning to do, asks what you think and doesn't take kindly to be given an answer they don't want to hear.. If you don't want an honest answer then don't ask the question!

It’s not the same at all though in this situation - the OP isn’t asking them what they think - she has already started the course !