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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want the police to be involved?

21 replies

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 13/10/2021 23:09

I've heard tonight that my granddaughter aged 15 was physically attacked in front of a TA at school last week. The TA just stood there and watched, but didn't intervene, probably for fear of getting hurt herself. The school have excluded my granddaughter for one day, because in order to get the other girl off of her, she had to kick her in her privates. While her attacker, who has bullied her for the last 5 years, was only excluded for two days. Is it really unreasonable these days to get the police involved when something like this happened, as if we were pushed or had our hair pulled until we were on the ground, this would clearly be classed as assault.

I may be old fashioned, but I really don't think this is right, thoughts please Mums

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 13/10/2021 23:13

I completely agree with you but I wouldn't do it without discussing it with your granddaughter as the implications for her could be huge and it might end up being her that bears the cost more than her bully, even though in an ideal world she would get her just desserts.

Porcupineintherough · 13/10/2021 23:28

YANBU - self defense is not a crime. Except, it seems, in schools. Obviously it's up to your granddaughter's parents but, if it were my child, Id have the police involved and a solicitor to talk to the school about their duty of care or rather the lack of it.

Fallagain · 13/10/2021 23:31

Does your granddaughter live with you? If not then it’s up do her and her parents.

Bonsaibreaker · 13/10/2021 23:36

Unless you are your granddaughters guardian then involving the police is not up to you but her and her parents.
While I understand the upset and distress ( my son was bullied throughout primary school and the first year of high school) I dont think involving the police will help as there was assault by both parties.

How does your granddaughter and her parents feel about what should be done next?

Porcupineintherough · 13/10/2021 23:41

@Bonsaibreaker you know if someone attacks you in the street you are allowed to fight them off, right? You dont just have to stand there and get pounded. If the granddaughter's actions were defensive (to protect herself, others or to get away) and proportionate to the threat then certainly the police should help her.

gardeninggirl68 · 13/10/2021 23:42

Why has she been bullied for 5 years and nobody has dealt with it?

RevolvingPivot · 13/10/2021 23:43

Don't forget there are two sides to a story. Do you know this all definitely happened?

Bonsaibreaker · 13/10/2021 23:45

Porcupineintherough
Yes I do and I also know how hard that is to prove and the distress it causes.
I am not saying the family should not go to the police only that in this instance it is not the OPS choice.
Real life is not the movies where a defence of self defence is just accepted with a hand shake.

Tulips15 · 13/10/2021 23:46

@Fallagain

Does your granddaughter live with you? If not then it’s up do her and her parents.

Agree.

Rachie1973 · 13/10/2021 23:51

The schools have a weird way of dealing with self defence in my experience.

My son was bullied for years. He had dyspraxia and psoriasis. He towered over his peers height wise but was never violent. He stood out because he was just ‘different’.

At 15 he was cornered in the changing rooms by 3 boys and subjected to a sustained assault. He snapped and walloped one, drawing blood from his mouth.

Bullies excluded for 3 days. Son. Excluded one day for ‘fighting’.

We involved the police because we were so incensed. They didn’t want to know!

sst1234 · 14/10/2021 00:48

Absolutely get the police involved. And your granddaughter did the right thing. She should have hit harder, if anything.

KloppsTeeth · 14/10/2021 00:51

Involving the police is down to the teenager and her parents.

However; all schools should have a peer on peer abuse policy. If I were her parents, I would ask to see it. I would also expect that the school’s behaviour policy and peer on peer abuse policy has been fairly applied. At my school, a violent assault (serious enough to pull hair out) on another student would be a permanent exclusion or a managed move.

You weren’t there so only know one side (albeit with background bullying). There could be any number of reasons why the TA didn’t get stuck in, medical reasons, or school policy might be to radio for help.

No bullying should be going on for 5 years. The school aren’t addressing the issues properly and I would be asking questions about that (as a parent, grandparents don’t have access to information).

fourminutestosavetheworld · 14/10/2021 06:00

I mean this kindly because you are obviously very upset and looking out for your granddaughter, but you weren't there and don't really know what happened.

Your granddaughter has told you that a member of staff watched and did nothing, and that she has been punished unfairly for defending herself. However, I work in a school and can tell you that children excluded for fighting always claim self defence - the other person has picked on them for ages - and parents always perceive the exclusion as unfair. It is often very difficult to unpick what happened, why it happened and the context.

I think, if there was a TA present, then he at least witnessed the whole thing and knows exactly how events unfolded. It may be that your granddaughter is withholding some information from her family, or it may be that her perception and recollection of events are skewed.

If parents want to discuss it further of course they should contact the school for clarification but I feel that police involvement is excessive. With resources stretched thin, they really don't need to be investigating every school scrap. At this point I'd be more interested in finding out what school have in place to ensure these young people are able to avoid each other in future.

Theunamedcat · 14/10/2021 06:04

My daughter was bullied after 12 months she snapped the school threatened to call the police on her I removed my daughter from the school

fourminutestosavetheworld · 14/10/2021 06:09

@Theunamedcat

My daughter was bullied after 12 months she snapped the school threatened to call the police on her I removed my daughter from the school

The other child will have said the same. When it comes to bullying it is so important to log every incident with the school so that, if it becomes violent, there is a history to support your child's claim of self defence. I hope your child is happy in their new school.

Theunamedcat · 14/10/2021 06:13

It was easy to prove because the girl was texting threats to my daughter and she eventually responded the school was more than aware I was in the school weekly complaining about there lack of action

She thrived at her new school and is now at university

fourminutestosavetheworld · 14/10/2021 06:17

@Theunamedcat

It was easy to prove because the girl was texting threats to my daughter and she eventually responded the school was more than aware I was in the school weekly complaining about there lack of action

She thrived at her new school and is now at university

That's really great news. I'm pleased she's thriving. I am interested in what she did to warrant the threat of police action though?

Staryflight445 · 14/10/2021 06:29

It’s not your place to involve the police op unless your granddaughter lives with you and you’re her legal guardian.

Gilly12345 · 14/10/2021 06:56

Before involving the police, have you as a family discussed that this is what your Grand Daughter and her Parents want to do?

Personally I would first ask to see the Headteacher as discipline sounds like an issue at this school and contact police if you as a family feel necessary.

Bagelsandbrie · 14/10/2021 06:57

I agree in principle but yes you should speak to your granddaughter and her parents - let them make the decision about what to do.

Theunamedcat · 14/10/2021 09:03

Texted her back saying "I can see you"

Thats apparently a threat but the girl stating she was going to kick her mental arse (dd was under camhs for self harm at the time) apparently was just fine as the girl "never acted on it" and she was perfectly safe but all the texts dd was getting saying she was nuts crazy dead girl walking was OK the girl was blocked but using an online texting service to get around it somehow that was OK because the girl had a hard homelife living with both her bio parents whereas dds life was fantastic because she had a stepfather and mental health issues

Honestly I never understood there position and I won't send any of my other children there

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