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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to get my 3.5 year old to stop biting

14 replies

riotlady · 13/10/2021 18:33

My 3yo is a lovely and usually very kind child, but she keeps biting me and her dad (her dad more than me). She doesn’t do it when she’s worked up in a tantrum, but when she’s in a seemingly good mood she’ll just run up and chomp down on us. We tell her no very firmly and have had lots of discussions about being kind and how biting hurts people. I confess on a couple of occasions when she has really hurt me, I have shouted at her and cried.

Previously the consequence for hurting other people (biting, hitting, etc) was time out in her room, which was reasonably effective. However she was recently potty trained and now wees on her carpet every time she is sent to time out. I am pretty sure this is deliberate as it is often very small amounts, like she’s pushed it out. However I don’t want to keep putting her in a situation where she is wetting herself (plus her carpet can’t take much more!)

I am stuck on where to go next or what her consequence should be. I can ban her from tv in the evening but that can be many hours after she has bitten and I think consequences for kids her age should be fairly immediate.

I know she’s very young but her dad has ADD and she’s very active, physical, impulsive and struggles to sit still, so I do wonder sometimes if a diagnosis is in her future. She was also quite slow to talk and is still a little behind her peers

Would really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
dinkybella77 · 13/10/2021 20:57

It is more typical for 2yr olds. What is her language like? Is she using sentences of 4 words + ? Can she express her needs clearly?
I would be wondering if it were a communication issue and sign of frustration.

riotlady · 13/10/2021 21:01

@dinkybella77

It is more typical for 2yr olds. What is her language like? Is she using sentences of 4 words + ? Can she express her needs clearly? I would be wondering if it were a communication issue and sign of frustration.
Her speech isn’t super clear but she can do 4 word sentences and tell us a bit of a story eg “I go beach with Granny. We had ice cream”. It doesn’t usually impede her being able to ask for things. She doesn’t bite when she’s angry though, she does it very deliberately where she’ll come over, look at you and then just bite down. She can also do it when she’s a bit hyper and overexcited
OP posts:
ViceLikeBlip · 13/10/2021 21:01

I don't have any advice, but my 3.5yo also occasionally bites (often out of nowhere, sometimes when she's just having a lovely cuddle?) and I have also really yelled at her because it fucking hurts!! You're not alone.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2021 21:06

I had a biter though she was a bit younger than yours (2.5 maybe), nursery gsbe us a book to read called teeth are for biting and that worked. Also being super vigilant and stopping her before she did it when she was tempted. Hers was more in anger though. Have you tried a star chart / marble jar or something?

DeepaBeesKit · 13/10/2021 21:08

Is it a sensory thing? Get her a chewie necklace type thing and explain that while it might feel nice for to bite, it hurts you, and teacher to bit the chewie instead

NiceGerbil · 13/10/2021 21:23

My thoughts I'm no expert.

How do you react usually?

You say you've occasionally shouted and cried, as a bad thing.

IMO there's nothing wrong with when appropriate expressing pain, upset to children. We are people too. And DD isn't a baby.

Shouting at her and crying but only sometimes when you're at wits end is also sorry. Understandable but not great.

When DDs used their teeth when I was BF (fed to 13 months) I (from some internet advice!) immediately took off breast and firm NO. they learnt fast even though really young.

Remember that any attention whether due to good or bad means they will repeat. Attention is attention.

I don't know how it goes with you. But I would react as I would with any pain. OW! that really hurt. Don't do that again. Go and do (something quiet that she likes but not punishment eg Peppa pig, drawing, Lego whatever), while it stops hurting me.

And then just leave her be for a fair while eg whatever will do- 10 20 mins (in same room just not engaging or leave partner to look after).

I mean not to guilt or make s fuss. But to do. I don't like that. When you do it, I'm not going to do your stuff, for a bit.

Obv I don't know you or DD. Maybe she's not going to sit and do something etc.

In the end though negative attention is attention. So try and break that somehow.

Remember you are a person and you feel pain and it's totally ok to not hide that from DC.

Hungry675tf · 13/10/2021 21:31

No advice but my 3.5 year old with excellent language skills does this but with kicking. Just out of nowhere will give someone a good kick in the shin. Will do it from his pram too so will kick random in the shop. I've tried everything to get him to stop. He thinks its funny. Its really not, and he is told firmly every single bloody time. Is well behaved at nursery apparently.

No diagnosis or concern about ADD or anything else in the family.

Not helpful really, but you're certainly not alone.

Marvellousmadness · 13/10/2021 21:32

Add is an explanation but most certainly not an excuse op!. Kids might be impulsive etc but she knows biting is wrong as you always tell her no

Just tell her biting hurts and she shouldn't do it. Ever. And if she does it again you'll bite her. See how she responds. She might there and then realise she should give it up. Hopefully

Doyouthinktheyhearus · 13/10/2021 21:37

Repetition is key here. Change your time out space to another area where there isn’t carpet to see on to save your sanity. Say maybe your hallway on the bottom step or by the front door. That way you can keep half an eye on her. I always go back to super nanny. One minute for each year of age is long enough. Come down to her level look her in the eye and say biting is naughty we don’t bite. You are being put into the time out area because you bit mummy and it is naughty to hurt people by biting them. Leave her, go back ans says again- you were out in time out for biting mummy, biting is naughty what do you say? She then has to say sorry or time starts again. If she says sorry nicely you say ok, I forgive you, have a hug carry on your day. The message will go in eventually you just have to do Groundhog Day foe a while until she realises it’s no fun to bite.

MyPatronusIsACat · 13/10/2021 21:44

@riotlady

I am not advising this, as it's kinda wrong. But when my younger brother used to do this when he was about 2 or 3, I used to bite him back. Not super hard, but just so he would feel it, and it pinched a bit.

It stopped him doig it.

MyPatronusIsACat · 13/10/2021 21:44

*doing

riotlady · 14/10/2021 14:49

Thank you everyone for the advice :) glad to know we’re not alone @ViceLikeBlip and @Hungry675tf!

@DeepaBeesKit that’s a good point about it being sensory actually- she can be very sensory seeking in other ways (eg constantly wanting to be spinning or swinging or upside down) so that might be part of it. Might try the chew toy idea

Am not sure that biting her back gives off the message that I want but will keep that in the back pocket xD she has been bitten at nursery before, hard enough to bruise, so she does know it hurts

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/10/2021 14:59

Definitely sensory! She's overwhelmed in some way- possibly excitement, positive feelings. Her emotions are bigger than her feelings and she needs to express it somehow.

Try preempting it with positive physical feedback- a tight squeeze hug with some words 'It makes me so happy to see you, I just need to hug you!'

Or high five, or jump up and down- some non painful way of releasing emotional energy!

welshladywhois40 · 14/10/2021 15:37

Is it a reaction thing or a form of play gone wrong? My son is 3 and half and for a few weeks he was hitting and kicking with a big smile on his face. I think he thought it was a game/play thing.

I tried time out, naughty step go to bedroom. All that did was make him more hyper and thing it was all in the game.

Most effective thing I have found so far is to not react. Tell him he has hurt mummy and mummy isn't playing anymore and leave the room. That has made him stop

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