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Original poster

Kids attitude - what punishment?

43 replies

ThreeGoingCrazy · 13/10/2021 16:53

School have had words today about DSs attitude. Distracted in class (finds it hard so switches off) so told to concentrate, pulled a face (grumpy unhappy face not like sticking his tongue out etc) and then told again and has slammed his pencil /said "fine" or similar.

From his perspective, doesn't like it cos its hard, switches off, gets upset at being made to do it. From their perspective, he's bright enough, he's daydreaming, he's being rude.

But I'm struggling because we have similar issues at home and a struggle how to punish him for "insolence". Obv he's told not to do it and to apologise, similar to school, but it hasn't stopped him.

I. Worried school will just label him as naughty and he'll struggle to get and keep a job when he's older if he can't concentrate and be more polite.

When he's not being distracted from daydreaming or his imaginery / made up games or being asked to do literacy / tables he's lovely

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/10/2021 19:25

By all means have a chat with him about attitude, encourage and reward good behaviour etc.

The real question you should be asking though is what the school is doing at the moment to help?

Does he have visual aids/manipulatives to help? Is there an adult that can sit near him (in a group) and explain things further? Is he getting to work with an adult regularly? Is there any opportunity for a bit of pre teach? Can he have a "I need help" card that he can hand in/raise when he needs it? What are they doing to support him ?

Oldtiredfedup · 13/10/2021 19:29

‘Won’t’ engage?

Havd you considered that maybe he ‘can’t’ engage?

itsgettingwierd · 13/10/2021 19:30

Why are you punishing him?

It's very very unhealthy to punish a child for their feelings (being annoyed) and for things many struggle with - being distracted.

Instead look at how to help him focus.

Visual timetables, timers so he can see when something ends, visual prompt cards for sorting tasks etc.

Poor kid is struggling and the adults in his life want to beat him when he's down Sad

CecilyP · 13/10/2021 19:35

Sorry, 6 and me slightly catastrophising

You certainly are! He’s still very young and his concentration is bound to improve as he matures.

mummy182822828 · 13/10/2021 20:08

Maybe talk to your gp it could be signs of ADHD maybe or Autism does he finds school overwhelming and the amount of people hard

LittleGwyneth · 13/10/2021 20:32

Not a punishment but I'd be looking for an external extra curricula that he's naturally good at, so he gets the feeling of excelling rather than being the worst.

Original poster
ThreeGoingCrazy · 13/10/2021 21:26

@mummy182822828

Maybe talk to your gp it could be signs of ADHD maybe or Autism does he finds school overwhelming and the amount of people hard
He's OK with people, it took some time in nursery but he'll talk to any one 🙄these days. School no overwhelming but he doesn't enjoy it. Struggles with literacy but the physical bit - writing rather than the cognitive stuff. We've had a referral to community paed to consider assessment for neurodevelopmental stuff
OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeGoingCrazy · 13/10/2021 21:27

@LittleGwyneth

Not a punishment but I'd be looking for an external extra curricula that he's naturally good at, so he gets the feeling of excelling rather than being the worst.
We do gymnastics. I mean he's not the best, by a long way but he loves it and he's trying new stuff so there's always something to be proud of at the end of the lesson and I always comment on how well he did the something new or the something he struggled with
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Lostmarbles2021 · 13/10/2021 21:31

Punishments don’t work. The best you get is superficial compliance. Often temporarily or the causal problem resurfaces elsewhere in a different behaviour or you get more sneaky behaviours.

Generally noticing and praising the positives works better. Too much negative feedback can lead to a self fulfilling prophecy: ‘oh I must be bad so I’ll behave badly’. From those we care about we need 11 positive bits of feedback to counteract each negative bit of feedback.

That’s not to say ditch boundaries. Kids need consistent boundaries but put in place kindly rather than as punishment. Logical consequences work best.

Not being able to concentrate and follow the work is the teachers issue not his. I’m not blaming the teacher but when you have 30 kids it’s impossible to sit with a child and gently keep them on task so that they develop concentration. He can’t help struggling.

He can learn to articulate it better with words rather than actions - but he’s only 6.

With insolence you could try using the ‘try again with your kindest words’ on repeat in a kind tone of voice. Nothing moves on until he has.

But also. Why is he snappy? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he hangry? Is he overwhelmed? What’s the fuel causing the snappiness. He may be neuro-atypical but getting a diagnosis doesn’t change him needing encouragement and praise and to be understood.

Original poster
ThreeGoingCrazy · 13/10/2021 21:37

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

By all means have a chat with him about attitude, encourage and reward good behaviour etc.

The real question you should be asking though is what the school is doing at the moment to help?

Does he have visual aids/manipulatives to help? Is there an adult that can sit near him (in a group) and explain things further? Is he getting to work with an adult regularly? Is there any opportunity for a bit of pre teach? Can he have a "I need help" card that he can hand in/raise when he needs it? What are they doing to support him ?

So not a drip feed but he has a part time 121. It's for a physical thing so she isn't with him all the time and I'm in agreement with that. She will go over stuff for him when he tells them but often that's in play time when he's not finished. Waiting for a review with SENCO. I'll suggest the card or something else that means he doesn't have to put his hand up. He's even reticent for stuff like who wants to play the drums today let alone X is annoying me and I don't know how to do the sums
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Original poster
ThreeGoingCrazy · 13/10/2021 21:49

But also. Why is he snappy? Is he getting enough sleep? he's left to sleep from 8 and he needs to be up by 7 but it's more like 8.30 and he's often in my bed by 6. Rarely 4. Never later than 7.30

Is he hangry? eating is its own issue. He has enough to sait him. Questionable if its enough.

Is he overwhelmed? What’s the fuel causing the snappiness. He may be neuro-atypical but getting a diagnosis doesn’t change him needing encouragement and praise and to be understood. he's dislikes school. Lock down started in reception, home with Mom and new babies, back and forth in Reception and Year 1 so missed the staged transition to proper school. Hates wiring - some issue with pain when writing that I identified and we've solved but he dislikes it still.

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waterrat · 13/10/2021 21:55

He is 6?! Is this for real? I thought you were taking about a teenager.

waterrat · 13/10/2021 21:58

My son who is now 9 hated year 2...said his hand hurt it was boring and stressful. He often came out of school crying and furious. Now in year 5 he is perfect student ...total golden child loves school perfectly happy

The British school system is shit for kids under 8 its too formal and sedentary and a 6 year old boy should be running around and learning through play as he would be anywhere else in Europe at this age.

And my son hated it without having had two disrupted years in covid.

This is an issue the school need to resolve by making lessons more fun and letting the kids be actual children and get enough fun and exercise

Original poster
ThreeGoingCrazy · 13/10/2021 22:01

This is my issue about him missing anytime to catch up, but then I also get that they need him to complete work. Something I need to sort with THE SENCO.

He says it's boring a LOT

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VaguelyInteresting · 14/10/2021 07:18

He’s being kept inside at playtime if he hasn’t finished the work?

He has clear SEN and the school are complaining about these issues with a “grumpy face” and a slammed pencil?!

Really OP. New school. It sounds like they’re trying to sanction a 6 year old out of having additional needs, and that is clearly bollocks.

Peace43 · 14/10/2021 07:45

He’s 6. I wouldn’t expect him to concentrate all day at school and control his face. I certainly wouldn’t punish him at home. Cuddles and support. School is hard and sometimes dull.

Original poster
ThreeGoingCrazy · 14/10/2021 18:54

He doesn't have Sen, his 121 is for a physical equipment thing.

Anyway, speaking to the 121 he was full on daydreaming when he should have been copying from the board and doing poses from his favourite TV show when they were doing times tables. I didn't do pick up but seems things were better today so that's good. There was no punishment at home, I talked to him and reminded him about kind voices (when he threw a strop at me on the way to school)

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Polterpup95 · 24/01/2024 20:43

The school doing this WTF are they doing?!

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