To want someone to talk to..

[namechangedaily]

I had like many others a crap 2020. Bereavements, cancelled weddings, job loss etc. Decided it would be a good idea to try for another baby.
Was ill the entire pregnancy and me and my partner nearly split up. During pregnancy I started to feel like I looked hideous and became a bit paranoid about my clothes and the fact I gave a lot away over lockdown. But as I wore maternity clothes I could put it to the back of my mind a bit.
I also had my hair cut a week before I gave birth and she fucked it up, so I now have a fringe I didn't want and I hate.
Since giving birth 3 weeks ago I have done nothing but cry all day.
I look in my wardrobe and all I have left are baggy long tops, I've spent so much time and money on shopping and clothes since my late teens so I must have given them all away? I can't bring myself to get dressed as they are all hideous. I feel sick all the time at the thought - I've lost half a stone as I can't eat. I can't bring myself to get dressed as they're all horrible.
I can't bring myself to do the school run as I feel I look awful. I can't focus on my baby.
I don't even feel anything for the baby - I just want my 5 year old to be little again and I want it to be just me and him again back when I was happy.
Mums now undergoing tests too which is worrying me.
I just want it to 2019 again, my boy be 3, have all my clothes back, the people and pets who have died back, my job back.
I can't see myself ever getting out of this black hole.
I cry hysterically all day every day. DP can't go into work.
I'm under the perinatal mental health team but what can they do.. they can't turn back the clock.

This sounds unbearable. I hope things improve for you soon. I'm glad to hear you are getting help.

Things look hopeless at the moment but with the right care the mental health team will help you come to terms with what you have lost and begin to see some joy in what you still have. Stick with it.

Very best wishes and .

Ach OP I'm sorry you feel that way.

Life sounds really hard for you. Xx

Handhold here op. But you do know there is help out there - please speak to someone.

Sending a hug. I'm glad you're getting support - I think lockdown was so traumatic in general - to have other stresses and losses during that time must have been unbearable and pregnancy can be tough and first few weeks post partum are prime for mood plummeting. My second pregnancy was grim compared to the first. Getting used to two is an adjustment. It'll come.

Keep talking - even just here - get your thoughts out x

Oh no that sounds really hard, it sounds like you have PND perhaps - I say that particularly as you say you feel nothing for your baby. You say you're under the perinatal team, have you been diagnosed? Are you getting any support, taking meds etc? I really think you need their help even though it may not feel that way to you.
It seems like you're really focusing on the way you look - can you give yourself a break from that. Would you judge someone else so harshly and strongly on their looks especially when they've just had a baby? You need to be much kinder to yourself, your baby and your 5 vyear old don't care what you look like, they just love you x

Ah man, your despair is almost palpat. You poor thing. You know this is your brain not firing properly dont you, you need to keep talking and get proper help from the experts.

No you can't turn back the clock but you can buy new clothes, you can feel good about yourself.

You need professional help, your little ones need their mother.

Oh OP. Big hugs!
Please give PANDAS a call as they really help.
It will get better. Please keep talking.

Hang in there - I know you can’t see it but the light is there at the end of the tunnel. Really good to hear that the mental health team are on your case, just try to be open with them. You can’t shock them with your feelings, they are there to help you carry that weight.
I know it feels impossible. I know it feels never ending. I know it feels like a huge grief. It can get better.
You have all my love - I see you.

3 weeks is so, so early. It won’t be like this forever. Yes, it sounds like you really need someone to talk to. Please have a look at apni.org/

You have so much time ahead of you for things to get better. Keep talking.