DM possibly toxic, I can't cope with it anymore

[gdtakzb]

I have changed my username but I'm a regular poster.

I love my DM dearly but I can't cope with her behaviour and attitude any longer. She has always had to be 'right' and has often 'rewritten' things in the past. She doesn't have a good relationship with her DP and is deeply unhappy with her life. I'm purposely being vague as don't want to make this too outing.

She has always leaned on me and told me her problems and Iv always listened. However, recently it has become unbearable. Every single time I see her and every single time she rings me (which at the moment is at least once a day) she tells me how awful her life is, how unhappy she is and is very bitter. I have made so many suggestions like seeing the doctor, making changes to help her situation but it falls on deaf ears. She exaggerates her situation and every time I do something (even very simple things such as meeting a friend for dinner) she says things such as 'it's alright for you.... etc.'

Recently she has become very nasty with her tongue constantly and shouts and screams all the time. It always her to be 'her' way or I have to do what she wants or I feel like I suffer. It has come to the point where I have to lie about things for an easy life. I can't even say I'm going on holiday or else she gets jealous or tells me how terrible her life is. I love my mum but I'm feeling so unhappy and miserable every time I see her. I don't want to not see her any more but any attempts to say something results in her screaming and shouting at me and telling me I don't understand etc, even though I have done absolutely everything in my power to understand and help. I'm at my wits end , I'm seeing her tonight and already dreading it.

Sounds awful, OP, and exhausting. If this is the "real" her, I'd back right off. I just wonder if it might be the start of dementia though - does that seem a possibility? My mam was the kindest, gentlest soul but for about 3 years before her diagnosis, she gradually became more irritable, dissatisfied, clingy etc. It was more noticeable I suppose because my mam wasn't a moaner previously whereas yours seems to have always moped & whinged.
I hope I'm wrong & she's just a misery guts that you can back away from. Even that will be hard, I realise, but you have to look after your own mental health. Wishing you all the best

I can see where you are coming from, OP. I'm actually a bit 'scared' of my own parents. They have mellowed a lot, to be fair. Though I still feel like I am walking on eggshells because they could both be so volatile when I was a youngster living at home.

One thing that has helped me to cope and to accept the situation for what it is is something that you have touched upon in your OP:

She doesn't have a good relationship with her DP and is deeply unhappy with her life.

I try to remember that with my own parents. They both (independently, of course) had difficult upbringings by people who would be considered abusive or suffering from NPD now. I'm lucky enough to understand this now. They, on the other hand will be carrying trauma with them that they have never been able to acknowledge, let alone heal. This certainly isn't a justification; but it does help me if I consider their actions through that lens.

The re-writing of memories and history doesn't sound good, though. That seems worrying. As does the arguing. I know some might suggest the "broken record" and/or "grey rock" technique. When she flies off the handle, take some deep, calming breaths and keep your face expressionless. Then give monosyllabic answers. "Yeah," "okay," "that's fine," etc. Alternatively, keep saying "I will either discuss this with you calmly, or not at all. I'm not prepared to have a row with you."

I know it's terrifying. Believe me, I know! But by not engaging with the shouting and screaming, you're taking away her chance to hurt you by having an argument. Deep down, she will know that your behaviour is rational and reasonable. It's scary, to begin with but becomes much easier with practice.

Stop trying to 'explain'. It's never worked yet, it's not going to work now.

I don't want to not see her any more but any attempts to say something results in her screaming and shouting at me

You can't tell her, but you can show her.

Next time she kicks off -
"mum, I love you, but as I#ve told you many times, I cannot take this constant negativity & refusal to listen to any suggestions of how to help you with it. I'll talk to you when you are feeling more positive."

And hang up, or leave - or show her the door.
She'll soon learn - but expect an extinction burst -
www.bpdfamily.org/2010/10/partner-have-borderline-personality.html
(link happens to be from BPD advice site - am not saying this is your mum at all!)

Seems radical?
It needs to be.
It's this, or find yourself ground down by perpetual moaning, which nothing you say can change.

Yup the misery fatigue is real.

Life is too short to constantly have an emotional vampire draining your energy day in day out.

Go low contact. Look up grey rock. Look up daughters of narcissistic mothers.

You owe her nothing, live your life.

There's a book I found very helpful called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, OP.

It helped me to understand my relationship with my parents and to accept that trying to explain my perspective to them or hoping they would change was completely pointless.

I think you either have to accept that this is how things are and you're never going to have a two-sided, mature relationship with her, or you limit contact for your own sanity. I chose the latter (for the foreseeable future, at least).