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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my sister

22 replies

flumpettyflump · 13/10/2021 13:42

I like my sister in lots of ways and she can be great company. But she flies off the handle at the smallest thing and now we are in late 40s I just feel totally fed up.

Latest thing, our parents (in their late 70s, some health issues) offered to pop in and see her en route to visit friends and she has caused huge upset by being angry with them about 'slotting her in' to their plans.

Now she wants me to make peace for her with them.

She is always having fallings out with family members, friends, bosses but just expects us to get over it - especially if she has apologised.

AIBU? Are some people just fiery and can't help it? Is life too short to hold a grudge?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2021 13:45

YANBU. Why didn’t you tell her she made the mess so it’s up to her to fix it?

Everyone can help it. If they choose not to they experience the consequences of their actions. It’s a shame no one taught her that in her formative years but it’s still her decision to be a decent person or a dickhead.

I’d see a lot less of her. Who needs the drama.

Original poster
flumpettyflump · 13/10/2021 13:49

I hate confrontation. But I'm not going to help her this time. She does suffer because of her temper but doesn't seem able or willing to learn from the very many fallings out she creates.

OP posts:
Ivechangedmynamesomanytimes · 13/10/2021 13:51

I'd slowly back away from her. If she's late 40s and done it all her life she's not going to change now.
Life's to short to be around people like that. Sister or not.

mbosnz · 13/10/2021 13:51

Her choices, her actions, her consequences. Her mess to own, and to fix. No one else should, or really, can, do it for her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2021 13:51

Good. You can’t compromise your own relationships out of a misplaced desire to cover for her.

It doesn’t sound like she’ll change, no matter the hurt her actions cause, so minimise the damage and back slowly away from her and the chaos in her wake.

Original poster
flumpettyflump · 13/10/2021 13:52

So hard to disrupt family dynamics. My parents will want me to make peace between them and her. But fuck it. I'm not going to.

OP posts:
DaisyNGO · 13/10/2021 13:54

OP "She is always having fallings out with family members, friends, bosses but just expects us to get over it - especially if she has apologised. "

My dad used to do this, though not with colleagues. He just thought it was normal and everyone should forgive.

He got much better as people, myself included, stopped forgiving. No one needs that drama in their life. Someone who flies off the handle for no reason is horrible to be around.

You certainly shouldn't fix her fallouts.

HarryPotterFan21 · 13/10/2021 13:54

Why can't your parents and sister make peace? Why do they need to involve you? Maybe this isn't a sister problem.. sounds like a family problem.
Leave them to get on with it and ignore it in future.

DaisyNGO · 13/10/2021 13:56

@flumpettyflump

So hard to disrupt family dynamics. My parents will want me to make peace between them and her. But fuck it. I'm not going to.
Oh we cross posted

Let her do that. Your parents are being unfair to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2021 13:58

Maybe this isn't a sister problem.. sounds like a family problem.

How’s it a family problem if she also behaves badly to colleagues and friends?

Original poster
flumpettyflump · 13/10/2021 14:02

I assume @HarryPotterFan21 is referring to our weird enabling family dynamic! It's definitely an issue. Well I'm going to see how it goes not helping. She loses friends and jobs as people outside the family don't put up with it.

OP posts:
BubblinTrouble · 13/10/2021 14:11

My family are like this. I only realised this behaviour isn’t normal when I married DH and saw his family treat each other considerately! Your sister is an adult and needs to do realise that it’s not your job to be fixing things. They are her mistakes and hers to take accountability for. I would take a step back OP.

Porcupineintherough · 13/10/2021 14:13

Most people do learn from their mistakes. As, by the age of 40 your sister hasnt, it is possible that she can't - or at least can't without a considerable amount of professional support, which may not be available. What you want to do with that information is up to you, certainly you are not required to be piggy in the middle. But in order to have any sort of relationship with your sister you may have to accept a certain level of drama from her. And the same for your parents. The alternative may not be that she changes, rather that she isnt in your life.

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 14:25

Why do your sister and your parents both expect you to fix their issues?

They could all grow up and resolve it themselves.

PurpleMustang · 13/10/2021 14:28

Everyone in this situation is an adult and they shouldn't need you to 'fix' it

Original poster
flumpettyflump · 13/10/2021 14:28

I think that it's an interesting point - can she change. Can she control her responses etc. I honestly don't know. She has always been like this tbh.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 14:30

@flumpettyflump

I think that it's an interesting point - can she change. Can she control her responses etc. I honestly don't know. She has always been like this tbh.
Of course she can change and be more respectful of other people and less difficult
WomanStanleyWoman · 13/10/2021 14:36

Refuse to place peacemaker this time - but do so in the knowledge that she will kick off, either by getting angry or turning on the tears and telling you how horrible you are for not helping her. Don’t fall for it. People like that rely on others giving in to keep the peace. If she realises you won’t do that this time, she might just shape up and sort it herself.

DrManhattan · 13/10/2021 14:46

I would distance myself totally. She's just bulldozing through people's feelings and being a total nightmare. As previous posters have said life is too short. Take care

starrynight87 · 13/10/2021 14:55

I'm the peacemaker in my family. It's tough.

Weigh up what you have to win and lose.

ColdColdWinter · 13/10/2021 15:02

Does she have a treasured collection of anything? Or is she proud of her lovely home?

Point out that if someone was angry with her and decided to smash up her collection, or slash her sofa to ribbons, them saying sorry, however sincerely, would not put right the damage, and in the same way, she is causing permanent hurt to people and apologising doesn't fix that.

Smashingspinster · 13/10/2021 15:22

@flumpettyflump

I think that it's an interesting point - can she change. Can she control her responses etc. I honestly don't know. She has always been like this tbh.
First I wonder if you are all so focussed on no conflict that it makes her behaviour seem worse? Then I wonder how much this happens outside the family and if it is to the same degree? My step dad used me as the outlet any time he was angry or frustrated and my mother enabled it. When she got older I bided my time but once she died I told him he was not going to be allowed to do it any longer and he has improved massively. Life is too short to put up with crap. If your sister does this everywhere, it will be a lot harder but it doesnt mean you have to keep enabling it.
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