Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

What do you think is going on?

25 replies

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 12:49

A close friend has been mega flakey in the past year, often at the last minute and sometimes her reasons have not really made a lot of sense. It's hurt a bit and I felt a loss because we were really close once. The times that I have reached out to her to see how she is, she goes silent fast and I don't hear from her until the next time I reach out.

I was hoping to maybe see her this weekend at a mutual friend's wedding and asked her ~2 weeks ago if she was going, though she'd previously said she doesn't like the B&G and would try to get out of it. She replied saying her (newish) boyfriend's BFF had invited them to his wedding in Europe so she wouldn't be able to come (+cry emoticon). I joked that is was a good excuse and sorry I wouldn't see her but have an amazing time in Europe, then she stopped replying. I did think, corr she got lucky with that excuse. What are the odds.

Recently I had an operation and her boyfriend (I've met him once and he's lovely) asked me how I was and we chatted a bit and I asked if he was excited to be going home this weekend (to Europe) and he said, completely obliviously, that they weren't going until next month...

I have to admit. I'm a little peeved. I wouldn't judge her for telling the bride a little porkie to get her out of the wedding without hurting her feelings, but why me? Our 'friendship' has been such a flump this past year AIBU to stop putting in the effort? I feel like I've been fighting the natural drift apart and need to stop now.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 12:53

How new is her new boyfriend? Does she have new priorities now?

LaetitiaASD · 13/10/2021 12:57

At least she didn't put you in the position of having to back up the lie to the B and G

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 12:57

@girlmom21 around 6 months ish. I think they met through work, but they've just moved in together so I guess that is a big deal. There might be other things going on I don't know about. But she doesn't really talk to me about anything any more so I might be missing something.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 13:01

[quote WellLarDeDar]@girlmom21 around 6 months ish. I think they met through work, but they've just moved in together so I guess that is a big deal. There might be other things going on I don't know about. But she doesn't really talk to me about anything any more so I might be missing something.[/quote]
Is the job new too?

If he's lovely and she seems ok in herself I wouldn't worry too much, but it's sad when people stop making the effort they used to.

Could you ask her?

Lifeinthescratcher · 13/10/2021 13:02

Your just not close anymore, its hard bit you need to move on

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 13:06

@girlmom21 nope, she's not changed jobs in over a year. I think she's been in her role for almost two years but works with different groups of people on different projects but I'm not sure if this guy is new or if she's known him the whole time. I guess she's just moving on. I have asked her previously if everything is okay but I don't want to keep pestering her and I think it's just reached that stage now where I'd feel awkward asking.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 13/10/2021 13:06

Why is a friend’s boyfriend who’s only met you once not only have your number but is asking after your health?

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 13:09

@Cocomarine he doesnt have my number he just added me on facebook after we met the first time and sent me a message. He wasn't weird about it.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2021 13:10

Just let it go - for whatever reason she's not keen to maintain the relationship, so you would be better off focusing on other friendships.

Poptart4 · 13/10/2021 13:12

Sorry OP but it sounds like she's fading you out

Stop doing all of the running and see what happens. You may never hear from her again.

Crystalglass · 13/10/2021 13:16

Ask her?

AbsentMind · 13/10/2021 13:16

Work stress?

Miscarriage?

Money worries?

Depression?

Could be anything.

Cocomarine · 13/10/2021 13:18

[quote WellLarDeDar]@Cocomarine he doesnt have my number he just added me on facebook after we met the first time and sent me a message. He wasn't weird about it.[/quote]
The message itself might not have been weird, but I think sending it was! He’s met you once. You don’t know him - you don’t even know how long he’s worked with your friend. Did you post about your op on fb? I’d certainly give you a public “hope it went well”, but not a private message.

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 13:21

Leave her to it... honestly she sounds exhausting ...

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 13:26

@Crystalglass I honestly have tried asking her how she is and how things are going but she doesnt seem to want to talk to me about things which is up to her. theres only so far that I'm comfortable pushing before I just feel like im being invasive.

@Cocomarine I guess so, I didn't really read much into it. it wasnt on my facebook, he said that my friend told him i was having an op

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 13/10/2021 13:27

What’s going on with her having a wedding invitation when she doesn’t like the bride and groom. Is that also a sign of a friendship that she’s moved away from?

Chickychoccyegg · 13/10/2021 13:37

I'd stop contacting her, if she gets in touch great, if not, it's sad, but you can't make it work on your own.
It's a bit weird of her boyfriend to private message you when you don't really know him, but I guess he might just be really friendly.

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 13:39

@Cocomarine we've both known B&G for the same amount of time, a few years, through a hobby. Friend was actually closer to the bride than I am, they worked together for a little while and my friend was invited to the hen party and I wasnt for example (although she didnt go). I don't know the full story but what I've heard from friend is that the bride has said a few horrible things to friend (I wasn't there so don't know for sure the whole story and havent heard the brides side) so there's some tension there but in essence, yeh I think you're right in that, that's another relationship she's moving away from.

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 13/10/2021 13:54

Someone is losing touch with her friends and moved in with a new bf 6 months ago - who is now more concerned about her friends operation than she is?

It's the bf.

He's not nice, he's lying about not going home for another wedding - or he's lied to her so she can't go to the other wedding.

Everyone will think I'm nuts, but I'd put money on it. Seen this same story so many time - on Survivors of Sociopaths.

Think on this - if your boyfriend had a friend you had met once, who was having an operation - would you message him about it, or would you ask your boyfriend?

And even in the worst-case scenario that your bf then said, 'oh, I don't know, I'm trying to do a slow fade' - would you then reach out????

There's no scenario where him reaching out to you makes sense.

Except triangulation.

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 14:00

I wondered about the boyfriend but the friends been flaky for a year and he's only been on the scene 6 months @ChristmasFluff

I don't think he's lied about the wedding but she might be lying because he doesn't want her to go.

I also thought him messaging the OP was him trying to prove a point or a "oh don't worry I'll find out if she's ok, you focus on cooking dinner" or some other rubbish.

OP does she still have her social media accounts?

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 13/10/2021 14:17

@girlmom21 she still has her social media (I just had a snoop) and she seems reasonably active. And tagging and being tagged in posts with and without her boyfriend. Not sure if that makes a difference but she doesn't seem to be limited in who she socialises with. And you're right her disinterest has been a thing before he was on the scene. She was seeing another guy from her work not long before she got with him actually.

I'm no lie expert but not sure how he'd get away with lying to her about a wedding because they'd have to book flights and accommodation. I don't know, maybe my creep radar is broke but I don't get bad vibes from him, but I have only met him once. I just feel like shes not interested in being friends any more so rather than have a conversation with me about not wanting to go to the wedding she just twisted a truth not thinking that I might find out from her boyfriend because we don't talk but then he messaged me which I guess you're right is a big unexpected and I did find out. I think she just said it so she could end the conversation quickly.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 13/10/2021 14:49

I don’t think her lying to you about the wedding is a big deal.
That will be the lie she’d told the B&G, so she’s hardly going to drag you - a mutual friend attending the wedding - into it by not telling you the same lie.

You might tell them
You might accidentally tell them
Your face might inadvertently tell them

If you’re going to lie, tell the same lie to everyone.

That lie is a red herring - it just sounds like people’s lives are changing.

IncessantNameChanger · 13/10/2021 14:52

God she sounds like a ex "friend" of mine. The faster you bin her off the better you will feel about yourself.

Also any friend who slags off her other friends is always bad news imo

Crystalglass · 13/10/2021 20:13

When I said talk to her, I meant ask her outright if anything is wrong between you. Not ask her how she is necessarily, but be direct.

maofteens · 13/10/2021 23:20

Just wait for her to contact you. If she doesn't, yes it's sad but that's what happens in life.

Flip