How do you do ANYTHING if you have no confidence from repeatedly messing up?

[howdoyoudoitttt]

I just don't know how to try anything anymore, really. My life is going so quickly, and I have a reduced life expectancy anyway due to ill health.

I have no job. I basically do nothing all day - I spend hours searching job listings but never am able to meet all requirements.

I'm trying to start a small business (in something I was previously very good at) but feel irrelevant now. Everything I do is poor quality - I honestly feel I just don't have it in me to meet any expectations, to ever be good enough at ANYTHING.

It feels like it's killing me emotionally. Not depression, because I still really enjoy the rest of my life, and am really interested in the world.

But I'm scared to take part in anything that I'm interested in. Because I'm just shit at everything and can't bear confronting it.

How can I fix this? Please help. What kind of therapy might help me?

It permeates EVERYTHING I try to do. I have attempted volunteering and just quit before starting, because the unbearable suffocating pressure of having to meet expectations and perform. I have to do occasional training on my medical devices - I get severe crushing anxiety before the training, again from the strain and worry of not being able to learn fast enough.

It's driving me mad, please help.

I'm really sorry you're going through feeling like that.

I don't know if this will help but when things keep going wrong for me, I think well there's nothing to lose by trying. The worse that can happen has already happened. Expect the worst and it can only be better (or at least no worse).

I think counselling - maybe CBT - can help with what you're experiencing. Hopefully somebody else with more knowledge will be along soon with better advice.

I hope things get better for you

You need to be realistic. Everyone messes up, barely anyone is great in something. Most of us, including you are just totally average stupids😁

never am able to meet all requirements.
Does anyone, ever?

Everything I do is poor quality
Is it really tho.

Frankly. If you tell yourself you are shit, soon you will believe it🤷🏻

Let me repeat it. Absolute most of us are just average stupids who sometimes mess up, are good in something, bad or even absolutely horrible in something else, many if us faked it till we made it (confidence for aimple things) and so on.

Thank you, both of you. Was really cathartic to write all that down.

I don't know if this will help but when things keep going wrong for me, I think well there's nothing to lose by trying. The worse that can happen has already happened. Expect the worst and it can only be better (or at least no worse)

Things can always get worse though, can't they?

In all seriousness - I appreciate what you are saying, it does make sense. I don't know why I get so scared and upset and want to get back into bed at the mere thought of someone breathing down my neck wanting deliverables that won't be good enough...it just kind of feels like it's endless? Like endlessly going round in circles.

Frankly. If you tell yourself you are shit, soon you will believe it

I understand that but the problem is other people telling me I'm shit. For a while my attitude was well fuck that, I'll have a go anyway and I'm sure I can be good enough - I'll do the whole fake it til I make it thing.

Except I never made it, and just sank. I'm now a very slow panicky learner whose brain freezes over and takes hours to recover from a panic attack.

I agree with the others that you're talking yourself into self-fullfilled prophecy.

Why did you have resilience before but don't have it now -- what changed?

You write well, OP.

I understand that but the problem is other people telling me I'm shit.
Who is saying it to you? You shouldn't tolerate that. If you can, stop communicating with them.

I know how you can panic and freeze. I messed up sending few emails and then it took me half a day to send some out for a week! I wrote them, put all info in and then... Panicked.
"Oh don't be stupid wazzzzup!" Helped a bit.

Is there anyone you can ask for bit of support? It can amke worpd of difference if someone looks over your stuff to confirm it's ok. Then phases out.

Why did you have resilience before but don't have it now -- what changed?

I went through a lot of jobs (including several "dream jobs" that I was really excited to land) and after a few weeks or months, managers inevitably get really unhappy about my work/ having hired me.

My business, which I used to be really good at...I've lost confidence there for a reason more directly connected to my health. Something has happened that compromises my ability to do the thing I was very good at - I'm still alright at it, really, but not like I was before and it makes me sad. And my disease is progressive so I worry about further deterioration.

I am never good enough.

Whoever is telling you you’re shit is probably lying! I always used to think like this when I wanted to apply for jobs. I’d get excited then realise I couldn’t do everything on the requirements list. Then I went to a talk one evening and they were saying no-one expects the full package immediately - as long as you are willing to learn and can demonstrate some skills then there is nothing stopping you learning something new.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to know everything at once, we all learn in different ways. Enthusiasm and passion count for a lot! Take things at your own pace and I highly doubt you are ‘not good enough’

If it helps, ask some trusted friends or family members what your best qualities are - hopefully there will be a pattern and you can build on that and start to believe you are good at things!

I think a lot of people are oblivious to their own incompetence. Other people are faking it till they make it. Some are competent and able to accept their limitations, but I reckon they're in the minority.

Ultimately, I subscribe to the Russell theory, that "the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt"

It's well known women and men treat job ads differently. Women often don't apply unless they fit all requirements, men are more likely to try even if they fit just 75% or so.

I cpuldve written this a few years ago, it comes from being kind to yourself, setting reasonable expectations and you've got to fake it until you make it. At some point you'll find yourself with people around you who believe in you, who lift you up and there will be no stopping you.

As women many of us get ground down by the monotony of day to day life, running thr family and household, we put ourselves, our hobbies, and our interests aside and before we know it we feel like nothing, with no skills that we think we possess- but it doesn't have to be this way.

Hi @howdoyoudoitttt, you sound very self-aware but immobilised by your doubt and catastrophising. Would it help if you got a blank piece of paper and write down one ‘what if’ scenario that you fear could go wrong. Then map out some scenarios of what could go wrong, and figure out plans a and b for how to deal with them. Get very granular in your scenarios and write down those fears, then figure out your paths and actions by using the SMART framework like this: www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/smart-goals. It may help you identify your road blocks and work out actions to focus your mind.

I think you're past the "buck up" stage. It might have served you well in the past or work temporarily but you're past that now.

Life has thrown a bucket of shit over you, repeatablely. Life is not fair, it happened and you can't change anything now.

You need some new coping strategies and new thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Like other have said, if you spend all day telling yourself you're shit, doming be surprised if you get keep getting sit. You can self refer for cbt or counselling to help you through this. You might have to jump some hoops or workbooks and wait until it starts but get in the system. Be honest with them and yourself, it won't be nice.

Think of it as if a hurricane hits your house, you get specialists in to rebuild. You need specialists, possibly anti-depressants as scaffolding. You've been in a hurricane - it's time to rebuild.

Just pause for a moment. You seem to be on a roll of self criticism. I get that it stems from other people's criticism but piling on doesn't help.

Focus on what you can do and do get done each day. You wrote an articulate post here. Good syntax, vocab, lovely voice. That's a talent lots of MN-ers lack That's a skill.

You are still quite good at what you were once very good at. And the decline is due to something you can't help - illness.

It sounds like you might need to come to terms with the limitations your illness has created, and set new realistic goals that aren't so self critical.
Try and think 'Despite my illness I...' and 'Although the illness has reduced my ability I can still...'

You say you still enjoy the rest of life, so you are successful at life generally if you know how to enjoy and appreciate it - that's a skill way too many people lack. It's work that is the issue.

It could be that you've not found the right post, one which only demands what you, with your health limitations, can achieve day in day out. Are you trying to mask the illness to employers or clients, and kidding yourself about its impact on you? If so, that could be why things are going badly at the moment.

Thank you, all, for such thoughtful and helpful replies. Going through them carefully.

Are you trying to mask the illness to employers or clients, and kidding yourself about its impact on you?

Yes, definitely did this in the past - I think this is why I spend hours reading job descriptions and researching the companies when I find one that looks really good, but don't actually apply. I feel hopeless that I will be able to keep up.

In theory organisations are supposed to accommodate disabilities, but the reality is that they don't really want to do this. And in fairness when I have a glut of hospital appointments, that makes me a shit employee compared to someone young and mentally sharp, bursting with energy and confidence!

I'm lucky to be in a very loving marriage but when I was younger it made me so panicky to feel like I could never manage to keep up with everyone else and keep a full-time job - I just kept getting more and more ill, taking longer and longer to bounce back, and then it seemed to dent my self esteem/ confidence as well. So I'm not struggling alone at risk of homelessness anymore, but I am so deeply sad and embarrassed about not being able to contribute a 'proper adult' salary.

You only have to read threads on MN about cocklodgers to know that people's honest opinions on those who don't bring in a wage are scathing.

OP you have my sympathy.I have a debilitating illness that can suddenly strike and I found running my own business from home way more practical. I set my own (part time) hours. I get a lot of repeat custom - my longest standing client has worked with me for thirty years and puts loads of good custom my way. I feel far more confident about my work ability this way than if I was trying to hold down a full time job. If I'm ill, I scale right back down until well again. When I'm well I factor in loads of down time as it stops me getting ill.

Can you allow yourself to build up your own business very gradually and start to get a sense of what a manageable workload is for you, week in, week out? If it's just 8 hours a week, that's fine, if you know that's all you can do. No shame in that at all.