The mum guilt is hitting me hard. Please give me a hand hold

[Candyflossandflowers]

I had a dream last night that I was about to die and my life flashed before my eyes and I was filled with guilt about not spending enough time with my DS, 1.5.

I woke up wanting to cry.

I work mainly full time and run my business. We spend evenings together cuddled up, I work from home two days a week and I spend all weekend with him taking him out places. My partner helps me with my business so doesn’t have an outside job, but I am the one who pays the bills etc.

I just feel guilty, and I know mum guilt is normal, but I guess I just need to be told I’m not the worst mum in the world.

Sorry for the misery.

YANBU (not that this should really be an AIBU thing!) and I feel the same way. I’m at the beginning of an exciting career, but I also have my toddler DD and want another baby. I got home quite late yesterday, only just in time to read her a story before bed, and felt so guilty when I realised I was rushing it in order to go downstairs and have a cup of tea and relax. I don’t know what the answer is, but I understand.

@Glassofshloer me too, I love my career. But I love my relationship with my son more. Feel so stuck, if I don’t make money, we don’t make money.

I went back part time from mat leave but it just didn’t work - in my job you sort of have to be on the ball Monday-Friday otherwise you make more work for yourself by missing things etc, plus my progress was slower.

I don’t desperately need the money and could give up work if I REALLY wanted to, but I also know there will be many years after DD goes to school for me to fill, and I can’t park my career and pick it up again then.

It’s so hard 😢

Mum guilt isn’t normal actually. Women are made to feel like shit because men can’t be fucked to do their part of raising children. I don’t know any men who feel the same level of guilt as a mother.

A thing I read and has always stuck with me is: women are expected to work as if they have no children, and raise children as if they don’t work.

I work full time. I’m a single mum. I don’t feel an ounce of guilt that Dd is cared for by others. Work is important to me and our quality of life. And I’ll stand by that!

Lose the guilt. You’re not doing anything wrong.

My mother went back to work when i was 8 weeks old (mat leave in the late 70s/ early 80s in Germany wasn't overly generous) and she has always worked. I don't remember ever feeling sad about that but have fond memories of her working at her desk while I played nearby, and of spending time with my dad (who had quite flexible job as a lecturer). It made her a happier person with her own interests, meant we had a comfortable life with holidays etc and gave me the confidence to pursue fairly senior roles myself. Children don't care about the quantity of time you spend with them as long as they feel loved and wanted.

Don’t feel guilty. I work in childcare and use professional childcare for my own child - I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. The people who try to make you feel guilty about it usually do so from a place of jealousy so either ignore it or bite back with a few home truths.

My gripe with DH is that he is pretty fucking useless when it comes to the background stuff - cooking healthy meals, making sure she has clean clothes suitable for the weather, making sure packed lunches are made, ensuring there are appropriate snacks in the fridge, booking toddler clubs etc. So I end up doing all that stuff while he enjoys taking her to the park, going for walks, playing with her etc.

If I walked under a bus tomorrow he would raise her adequately but not to the standard that I do - she’d have fish fingers and baked beans most evenings, too many ‘quick’ unhealthy snacks, he wouldn’t think to buy her new clothes until she couldn’t fit into her old ones, wouldn’t think ahead for nice things to do at the weekend etc. She would be in front of CBeebies too much.

I’ve spoken to him about this so many times but he doesn’t get it.

You'd feel even more guilty if you couldn't afford to put a roof over his head and food on the table.

@Comedycook that is so true.

Have sympathy with the ‘mum guilt’ and dads v often don’t have this! I’ve not found it to get easier over time!

Your OP describes circumstances with set some big financial and personal risks for you and your partner respectively. Eg your partner’s pay is dependent upon you and your business, they don’t do other paid work. That might be contributing to your disquiet?

I think as a mum you feel guilty whatever you do. You can’t have it all unfortunately. I’m a SAHM and although I’ve never regretted it, I do sometimes feel guilty that I can’t afford luxuries like holidays and I sometimes worry that I’ve sacrificed my career to such an extent that I’ll never have a job that my DC are proud to tell their friends about.
But you have to choose, and I just personally chose which one I thought I would regret less in the future. That’s personal and will be different for everyone (and also can only really be guessed at!). I’m sure you’re doing your very best and at the end of the day that’s all any of us can do.

@Candyflossandflowers completely sympathise. I worked from home from the day both my children were born, running my own business. Many hours spent with a baby on my knee whilst working. I wasn't able to take any maternity leave. Felt bad if I was tending to the baby instead of working. And felt guilty working when I should have been concentrating on the baby. When they were 18 months old, both children went to nursery whilst I worked from home. That was difficult dropping them off and then coming home to an empty house.

However now they are adults (just) they have no recollection of any of this and we are very close. They do remember the nice holidays we were able to have and lots of visiting places with work.

But I still resent not being able to have ANY maternity leave.

As other PPs have said very eloquently Few full time working dads feel equivalent guilt

Your DS will benefit from having a mum he sees with a rewarding or enjoyable career
You're spending lots of time in the evening with him cuddled up as well as all weekend taking him places. That's quality time.

It's is hard to be a SAHM full time mum or part time, as mum guilt is there regardless (then it'd be not having spare money and your career waning). DCs equally get benefit from being in good childcare and always benefit from having parents really interested in them, their feelings and their days.

It's not all quality time even if you're home 24/7.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Don't we do that enough?

I have just been promoted back into the role I stepped down from 18 years ago to go part time. My DCs are inordinately proud of me.

They remember lots of good times but also us not having much money and my never being able to afford good holidays or luxuries

They also remember me working extra hours above my part time hours whilst trying to cook dinner and finish reports as even my qualified professional role (no longer as a manager doesn't fit well into PT hours )

As a mum you'll find a reason to feel guilty regardless whether you are a SAHM (unless in a very affluent couple), a part time worker , a shift worker or full time worker or building up your business.

So please don't let any inner voice berate yourself as it seems to me you are doing a great job of juggling career and your son.

Maybe talk to your partner/ DCs dad whether he feels dad guilt as I'm sure it's about society pressure and hidden messages to mothers that we have to do everything perfectly with a smile when if you get by somehow with happy healthy children then you have succeeded

You are not the worst mum in the world. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

I voted YANBU meaning I'm sure you're absolutely fine and have no need to feel guilty!

Your results are going to be mixed because yes you are being unreasonable by being so hard on yourself and you're not being unreasonable by still having a job and jobs to do.