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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Schools dilemma

21 replies

DoraDont · 12/10/2021 09:56

Posting in AIBU for traffic as I need to make a decision by Friday. Sorry it's a bit lengthy.

We've recently moved out of London to a town that has excellent schools, both private and state, plus grammars. We applied for the two state primaries closest to us for DD (7). One is known to be very desirable as they get a lot of kids into the grammars each year (there were 300 applications for 60 reception places last year) and catchment is tiny.

It seems like a great school, and not just an academic hothouse like some of the private preps. We knew that we had very little chance of getting her in there and it wasn't a factor in our move. As predicted, neither of the closest schools had spaces and we were offered the nearest available space at one about three miles away. We looked round and it seemed ok, but very white (dd is mixed heritage), and we were worried about her friends living further away. We also don't know anyone in our new town either, so want to try and make some friends in our immediate area too.

We decided it wasn't right for dd and looked at a couple of the private schools. Fell in love with an all girls school that's split over two sites. The seniors are very close to our home, but juniors a four mile drive away. They have lots of lovely outdoor space, caring ethos, get good results, but focus very much on all aspects of the child, not just academic. So we decided that the financial sacrifice may be worth it. Neither of us went to private school, and it's not something we're completely comfortable with, or can easily afford, but we want to give her as many opportunities as possible.

Long story short, DD absolutely bloody adores it. However, we are not finding other parents particularly welcoming (admittedly it's only been a few weeks and it's a funny time of year as the days get shorter). They zoom into the carpark, pick up their kids and go, no chatting. No playdates yet, a lot of them drive in from nearby villages, a flurry of initial welcomes on the class WhatsApp, but nothing since. It's been a bit of a slap in the face after a really friendly and diverse group of parents at her previous school, although it may just be that we need to make more effort.

Anyway, completely randomly a place has now come up at the very oversubscribed state primary that most people would do anything to get their kids into. It's five minutes walk away. I know that this would be super convenient and she'll do well wherever she goes, but I also know that moving her again is going to really unsettle her.

So, what would you do? I know a lot of people would think we should save our money now & pay for senior school if necessary. I suppose our hope is that she'd get into the grammar, so paying now is a better investment.

YABU = stay where she is, because she loves the (ridiculously expensive but very cute) uniform and seems to be thriving.
YANBU = move her again, she's young enough to adapt, won't hate you forever, and will make lots of lovely friends who live nearby.

OP posts:

PennyWus · 12/10/2021 10:02

I'd move her. I wouldnt read much into the parents who drop and run in the mornings, as you probably have a high proportion dual-income families, if they are affording private school, and perhaps racing away again to start work. I also wouldnt read much into the lack of playdates - Autumn term seems to be back-to-back birthdays and so at my school we don't do very many playdates this side of half term hols, plus realistically your DD needs to establish some friendships. The onus is DEFINITELY on you to organise playdates with kids your DD is getting to know - give your DD a little invitation to give to a few girls, just a simple "I would like to invite you to a playdate and for tea one day after school/at the weekend, please can your mummy call mine on the number below."

However having said that, I'd move your DD to the closer school. It is wonderful to live near your school at this age, and be able to walk there.

Cantstopthewaves · 12/10/2021 10:09

I'd move her to the local coveted school.
She'll make friends and they will be more local. A five minute walk is amazing.
I'm up for playdates and a quick chat but personally a drop and run mum and don't get involved in WhatsApp groups etc.

Seeline · 12/10/2021 10:11

I'd move her too. If you are set on the grammar school at Y7, then the money you save on prep fees can be used for a tutor for the 11+ (as well as lots of extra curricular activities).

SoupDragon · 12/10/2021 10:15

I think I'd move her.

blameitonthecaffeine · 12/10/2021 10:15

No useful advice on the move or not but just to say that, where my kids are (also girls private) parents used to hang around and chat for ages (there were groups that didn't work who left cars and went off for runs or coffee then came back for them). But, since Covid, it's enforced drop and go. Parents aren't allowed on site without a reason/appointment yet. So that might explain the unfriendliness.

morechocolateneededtoday · 12/10/2021 10:38

I would move unless you want her to remain at that school until 16/18. We are a 5minute walk from school and I completely underestimated how brilliant it would be to be so close

Stickyblue1987 · 12/10/2021 10:39

I'd move her too. I think having local friends/ connections is super important.

RedskyThisNight · 12/10/2021 10:44

I'd move her as well. A few weeks is not enough time for her to be properly settled at the new school, and the advantages of having local friends and being part of the community (which sound like things that are important to you) will offset the disruption.

Actually, on the basis you probably have to give a term's notice at the private school, I guess you have a bit of a possibility to "have your cake and eat it"? You can start her at the new school but still have a place open to go back to for a little while if it really doesn't work out.

(Though you should know that getting into grammar will be mostly down to parental involvement and tutoring and not so much to do with the state school who can't teach for the 11+)

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/10/2021 10:46

I agree, switch to local school ... Local pals would be excellent.

Am sure at 7, she will adapt and love the new school eventually.

I'd save the money and invest it in later schooling if necessary... Or use the money to really enrich all the family's life!

Know pals had a very similar issue... Like yours their son would have thrived anywhere... Instead they used the money for fab holidays... The lad was fascinated with history... So they took the family to see Egypt /Greece and South America which they never could have done, had he gone to private primary

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 12/10/2021 10:47

I would leave her be if she is settled and content. My son went to a public school and most if not all parents and grandparents were working so would drop off and run with no time,its not a reflection on anything its just busy lives leave little time for anything,

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/10/2021 10:47

PS the lad's fascination with history continued and did a degree in it!

2Two · 12/10/2021 10:48

Don't move her, it would be really unfair and she won't forget it.

Do you even know that you would get the place that has come up? Have you checked the waiting list?

funinthesun19 · 12/10/2021 10:49

I’d move her without a doubt.

SentDeliveredRead · 12/10/2021 10:49

I'd probably move her too.

edwinbear · 12/10/2021 10:56

I'd move her, and I say that as someone with 2 x DC in private. It doesn't sound like she's made any close friends just yet, which is understandable as she hasn't been there long, so it shouldn't be too much upheaval. I also wouldn't read much into the other parents at her current school, as a PP said, depending on the demographic, many parents are rushing off to work. I have a childminder drop DD for instance as I'm at work so can't do school runs.

It does sound as though the local school is great, and gets lots into the local grammar so I'd probably try and go down that route, then move to private for Y7 if grammar doesn't work out.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 12/10/2021 11:09

We were in a similar position a couple of years ago, except it was two state schools. We won the Appeal for her to attend the same school as her sister after we moved (her sister was too young to attend the other school as it was a Junior school).
It really upset her and unsettled her, more than we realised. Unfortunately a couple of months later Lockdown hit. She never really felt at home at that school.

We have since moved again(DH is Army, we don't do it for fun!) and took the decision she would either attend the school originally offered, or home educate if that school was truly terrible. Fortunately she got a place at our preferred school and hopefully will get a place at associated secondary for next year.

Moving does seem the obvious solution, but she may need some extra help with the transition. With the past couple of years of disrupted education, I think they are all a bit more unsettled and distrusting that school is permanent.

Good luck with your decision.

Original poster

DoraDont · 12/10/2021 12:21

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Re: the drop and go parents, we also both work f/t and have busy schedules. I suppose I assume that most people work from home since Covid, as we both do, so would be less frantic these days. Maybe it's different outside of major cities.

The girls in her class all seem lovely, and I'm sure if we gave it a little more time. We are having work done on the house, making it tricky to have play dates right now, which is annoying.

We have actually been offered the place at the local primary, and have just been for a look around. It's really nice, at least a third of the class are also mixed heritage, which is important to us, so I think we will probably take the place. I do think my DD is going to be gutted and I'll have to brace myself for some epic tantrums.

OP posts:

Scaffoldhell · 12/10/2021 12:25

If she goes to the nice state primary and doesn’t get in to the grammar, what are her options? Is there a decent secondary close ?

Original poster

DoraDont · 12/10/2021 12:56

I think the local secondary is fine, huge, but fine. As I understand it, 50% of Y6 ended up there in 2019. The rest to the grammars and private.

OP posts:

SentDeliveredRead · 12/10/2021 13:06

The issue is you are focusing on grammar schools/private schools,
Stop, look & listen, what would really suit your child best?
Look at the school, not at the status

LuaDipa · 12/10/2021 14:00

I would move her. My kids went to an independent school as there was not a decent local alternative and the outstanding school in the next village was very oversubscribed. My kids are very happy, but the kids from their school travel far and wide and I can’t pretend they didn’t miss out on having local friends when they were small. Obviously no issue now they are bigger.

We didn’t have an alternative, but you do so I would take advantage. And you could always send her back for secondary if she doesn’t get a place at Grammar.

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