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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexless relationship

22 replies

penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 17:18

3 years in with my partner and looking for advice to try and work out if I am being unreasonable and this is normal!

Bit of background been with partner 3 years and we have a 10 month old, when we met I thought I'd really met the one he was the whole package we connected on every level including sexually, which I said to him at the beginning was important to me he agreed and shared this view. However not even a year in and the sex deteriorated, he suffers with SAD and during the winter months he just was feeling generally down and sex was not happening. I was supportive during this time tried to cheer him up and be there for him.. until I found him on porn as soon as I left the house. So I called him out on it and he said he just wasn't horny just bored and it was a habit, since then he's changed a lot really worked on himself tries to be a better man and hasn't used porn at all, doesn't wank ( probably because I caused such a huge hissy over it) and sex happened a little bit more then we conceived our little one and sex went to zero as he was worried about harming baby while pregnant even tho my sex life went through the roof and since little one was born I've still been very horny however he's just not interested at all, It's been the root of all arguments as i just don't feel wanted, desired , sexy at all yet he doesn't see there's an issue and I can't accept that he's telling me there is no reason when clearly there must be if we're not having sex surely? I just don't know what to do any more I love him but I see sex as a big part of a relationship and he doesn't have the desire, urge or see it as a problem. What can I do as I started off very supportive but now I just get angry every time we argue over this. It's damaging our relationship and I honestly don't know how to deal with it? AIBU is this normal ?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 11/10/2021 17:22

How old is he? Hypogonadism (low testosterone) can cause depression, so that might have been mistaken for SAD. No libido isn't normal. He should see his doctor about it, if for no other reason than to rule out a medical cause.

Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 17:25

@MissConductUS

How old is he? Hypogonadism (low testosterone) can cause depression, so that might have been mistaken for SAD. No libido isn't normal. He should see his doctor about it, if for no other reason than to rule out a medical cause.
Thank you that's interesting, never heard of that so I'll look into it, he's late 30's! I just feel like I'm in the wrong for thinking sex should be a normal healthy part of a relationship and if the thought isn't entering his head and he's not feeling horny there's an issue somewhere.
OP posts:
Notashandyta · 11/10/2021 17:28

Still watching porn, no doubt about it

It's not you

TimeForTeaAndG · 11/10/2021 17:30

Even if it's not the hypogonadism, what does he do to try and get through the SAD months? Light therapy? Anti-depressants? Cos it's all very well having a condition but if someone does nothing to help themselves then it's going to just cause resentment.

MissConductUS · 11/10/2021 17:37

My husband had low testosterone starting in his early 40's. It's very common. He realized that his mood and libido were not normal and saw his GP, who diagnosed it with a simple blood test. Now he's on HRT and right as rain. In fact, I wish he would cut back a bit. Grin He just rubs a clear testosterone gel onto his shoulder or upper arm every night.

Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 17:44

@TimeForTeaAndG

Even if it's not the hypogonadism, what does he do to try and get through the SAD months? Light therapy? Anti-depressants? Cos it's all very well having a condition but if someone does nothing to help themselves then it's going to just cause resentment.
He does try, gets out running/ walking most days when he can, bought the alarm for him that lights up as if it's sunny, he journals and does try to catch it before it takes over.
OP posts:
Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 17:45

@MissConductUS

My husband had low testosterone starting in his early 40's. It's very common. He realized that his mood and libido were not normal and saw his GP, who diagnosed it with a simple blood test. Now he's on HRT and right as rain. In fact, I wish he would cut back a bit. Grin He just rubs a clear testosterone gel onto his shoulder or upper arm every night.
Really useful thank you for sharing, we are not getting on great since the last argument about this over the weekend but once it's settled down I will try and approach this
OP posts:
Theballoonsinthesky · 11/10/2021 17:57

How did you catch him watching porn? Could he be having an affair? It's odd that he was normal sexually at first and now completely the other way. Have either of you gained weight? I think a lot of men use the excuse of not wanting to hurt the baby during pregnancy but really they just aren't as attracted to a pregnant body. Not all men of course but it is possible.

Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 18:09

@Theballoonsinthesky

How did you catch him watching porn? Could he be having an affair? It's odd that he was normal sexually at first and now completely the other way. Have either of you gained weight? I think a lot of men use the excuse of not wanting to hurt the baby during pregnancy but really they just aren't as attracted to a pregnant body. Not all men of course but it is possible.
I probably put on less than a stone since we got together and I'm back to ore pregnancy weight maybe that's a factor I really am not ruling anything out. I caught him because I went snooping we went having sex and an affair crossed my mind so I went snooping , found nothing but the porn.
OP posts:
SparklingLime · 11/10/2021 18:10

OP, do you really think he’s not watching porn?

Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 18:23

@SparklingLime

OP, do you really think he’s not watching porn?
I honestly have no idea it's like his sex life has died
OP posts:
chocolateorangeinhaler · 11/10/2021 18:37

Is this passive aggressive behavior?

You've told him he's not allowed to touch his own body how he wants when he wants.

Subsequently he doesn't want to touch you at all.

I don't blame him.

Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 18:41

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Is this passive aggressive behavior?

You've told him he's not allowed to touch his own body how he wants when he wants.

Subsequently he doesn't want to touch you at all.

I don't blame him.

Not really what I said, I called him out asking why he doesn't want sex with me but would watch lots of porn.
OP posts:
Theballoonsinthesky · 11/10/2021 18:42

Do you still make time for each other in other ways like dates/doing little thoughtful things for each other etc?

Savingsun7 · 11/10/2021 22:18

A lot of men go off sex with their wives/Partners when they become pregnant and have a baby. It has a name I think. Maybe that has something to do with it. They don’t see you as a sexual being anymore, just a mother.

Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 22:36

@Theballoonsinthesky

Do you still make time for each other in other ways like dates/doing little thoughtful things for each other etc?
Probably not as much as we should and our first night away since the baby was born ended up having the same conversation about our shit sex life and handily speaking since, despite him declaring he loves me I just don't feel it's enough.
OP posts:
Original poster
penguinparty00 · 11/10/2021 22:37

@Savingsun7

A lot of men go off sex with their wives/Partners when they become pregnant and have a baby. It has a name I think. Maybe that has something to do with it. They don’t see you as a sexual being anymore, just a mother.
This is what I don't understand he says I'm still "sexy" and he fancy's me well he's clearly lying about something because if I'm sexy and he fancies me then Surely he would want me in that way ! Maybe that's it he just doesn't see me like that any more !
OP posts:
Draineddraineddrained · 11/10/2021 22:46

Is it just me who's doing the maths here and thinking "well you were a couple for little more than a year before you decided to have a baby together, is it in any way surprising to work out that you aren't actually very compatible?

Seriously after 18 months into a relationship seems soon to me to even move in together, much less create a human life. You'll still have been in the honeymoon phase. Now you know what he's actually like, and you don't like it. Happens to a lot of people. Just most of them don't have a baby so precipitously that they can't just shrug their shoulders and move on at this point.

MiddlesexGirl · 11/10/2021 22:46

i just don't feel wanted, desired , sexy at all yet he doesn't see there's an issue

Stop letting him get away with thinking it's not an issue. If it's an issue for you then it's an issue. The question is what is he prepared to do about it? Discuss with GP? Counselling?
The ball is in his court. He can't expect you to remain tolerant indefinitely.

WakeMeUpin22 · 11/10/2021 23:22

It sounds like he's got the issue & it isn't you. When someone enters a new relationship, it generally involves lots of sex. I'm guessing he's other relationships have been like this and the sex has eventually died down causing issues. He obviously has issues and you should try and encourage him to go and seek help.

WakeMeUpin22 · 11/10/2021 23:22

@WakeMeUpin22

It sounds like he's got the issue & it isn't you. When someone enters a new relationship, it generally involves lots of sex. I'm guessing he's other relationships have been like this and the sex has eventually died down causing issues. He obviously has issues and you should try and encourage him to go and seek help.
*his
BrendaBubbles · 11/10/2021 23:27

It's common but usually the other way around. Get them into a committed relationship then revert back to natural asexuality - the sex was genuine but ultimately a way to get the relationship in place.

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