To be utterly, utterly fed up?

[QuestionableMouse]

-My mam is still in hospital - she's out of icu and on a normal ward but they're still keeping her in the Covid bit so we can't visit. They said yesterday that she might be able to come home next weekend but I've just found out that she has a collapsed lung and now I'm not sure what's going on. But she's well enough to keep phoning with stuff she wants and it's a 20+ minute drive each way to the hospital and it's down to me to sort it.

-Dad is making my life harder than it needs to be - in the last couple of days he's lost his bank card, managed to lock me out of the Internet banking somehow (and because he can't answer the security questions on the phone, I have no idea what I'm going to do!), has thrown out some very important documents relating to their mortgage and is expecting me to sort it all out by magic. I have until the 31 to figure it out or they're going to lose the house.

-Just found out that for some reason, they haven't been paying council tax so have had a magistrate's court summons that again, I need to do something about. No idea if the council tax people will even speak to me because dad can't hear anything over the phone and has no idea about the bills anyway.

-I had my second Covid jab last Tue and I've been feeling shitty every since. On top of that I seem to have caught the cold that's going around at work so feel extra grim.

-I got my MA thesis back and they've been extremely harsh on it, including several comments that don't make any sense to me. I'm really disappointed with the grade as it's a good 10% lower than anything else I've handed it (my average for the other modules is around 72-73, thesis got a 60%). Emailed my lecturer last week to ask for clarification and I'm still waiting for a response.

I'm honestly genuinely at breaking point. I feel like hiding in bed and never coming back out. I'd just really like one fucking thing to go right for a change.

I'm so sorry op, that sounds utterly hideous for You.

I don't really have any advice but do you have any siblings or other family members that could possibly share some of the responsibility? You are going to wear yourself down (it sounds like you are getting there) if You carry on like this

My practical advice at times like this is to break everything down, possibly on paper and put it in priority order. So top two might be sorting out parents house and your MA. Further down is stuff about visiting your mum, it’s not nice, but you can’t do everything all of the time. Get her a job lot of whatever she’s been asking for, snacks, toiletries, nighties etc and stop going back and forth. Hopefully the effects of the covid jab should lessen, removing that problem. Good luck!

Really sorry that you’re struggling. Can you get your dad to send an email giving you the authority to speak for him and to explain to the various institutions that he’s not coping at the moment for good reason?

I'm sorry Op, it's bloody hard and frustrating when your Dad can't fend for himself anymore and with your poor Mum in hospital too you must be desperate. My DM was losing her hearing and nobody will talk to you because of Data Protection, but some of them will if you write to them and get yourself named as someone who deals with your parents accounts. Ideally you need to get a POA as soon as possible, then you can get everyone to speak to you.

I understand your frustration and hope you can get everything sorted soon.

He can't email unfortunately. Even getting him on the phone is hard work. I'm honestly wondering if he's getting dementia because he's constantly in a world of his own, keeps talking about the past (any conversation ends up with him talking about stuff from his past) and is forgetting even basic stuff like flushing the loo.

My aunts aren't well themselves so can't really help and my sister has her hands full with her job and kiddos.

I think I'd cope better if I felt better but I feel so utterly rubbish and it doesn't feel like it's getting better. I'm sure stress is playing a part (my hair is falling out in handfuls!) but I'm just so fed up with everything atm.

Do you have power of attorney because it sounds like your going to need it soon.
When your mum is well is she able to do all their banking etc?
You’ll have to start phoning around and find out which of these people will speak to you or what they require from your Dad in order to be able to speak to you.
The bank will be able to reset it all but will require certain things from your parents. Could you get your dad to the actual bank? That might actually be easier if they can see him and speak to him face to face.
Can your mum answer the security questions?

The council tax wants over a thousand pounds and there's no way we can afford that. Hoping they'll agree to a payment plan.

I get an error every time I try to reset my mam's login and my dad answered the phone while I was doing the verification call so I'm totally locked out of that. Did try to ring them but he can't answer any of the security questions so there's nothing they can (will?) do. Even cancelling his card was a trial because of the security questions.

Mortgage isn't through a bank unfortunately - they're online only. I'm going to write to them tomorrow and explain the situation because I can't find an email address and they won't speak to me on the phone (tried that today)

Sorry for being whiny, I'm just so fucking tired of everything being such a fight and without trying to sound horrible, I'd love it if Dad could stop making my life harder!

@Smartiepants79

Do you have power of attorney because it sounds like your going to need it soon. When your mum is well is she able to do all their banking etc? You’ll have to start phoning around and find out which of these people will speak to you or what they require from your Dad in order to be able to speak to you. The bank will be able to reset it all but will require certain things from your parents. Could you get your dad to the actual bank? That might actually be easier if they can see him and speak to him face to face. Can your mum answer the security questions?

I don't know if she'll be able to answer them cause she's still pretty confused (couldn't remember my sister where my sister lives or where the kids go to school, for example) and it's really hard to talk to her because there's no visiting so everything is over the phone.

In the bank today and all they said was to go online and do it - I feel like she wasn't actually listening to me (not helped by dad telling her his life story!)

I'm a bit like you right now op.
I'd like the world to just stop and leave me alone for 2 days. One so I could sleep all day and feel better, the other so I can try and get on top of some of the many, many things I'm drowning in right now. It's something new every day.
I've got list after list after list. I never get near the end of any of them before new things appear. It's endless.
I've wasted hours this week on online banking. It shouldn't be this hard, it really shouldn't.

I hope you get your dad's situation sorted out. That sounds really difficult. Can you agree some sort of financial power of attorney? We've got this for dh's parents and we just do everything for them. Much easier than trying to fix their mistakes after they've made them.

Have you considered obtaining power of attorney? This will make it easier for financial institutions to be allowed to speak with you about your parents' affairs.

Why are they facing the loss of the house on the 31st? Do you mean a payment is due on the 31st?

As a PP said, you will be able to phone and pay the council tax over the phone, there may be some wait on hold though.

Does you school offer grade reconsiderations, both on merit and on extenuating circumstances?

Is the loss of the house imminent on the 31st or just that you need to contact them by the 31st. By lose the house do you mean repossessed?
If so you need to get in touch ASAP and tell them your dad is having memory problems and your mum is in hospital, and they are both vulnerable customers in financial difficulties and see what options they can offer you. Ask can they pause the process due to health and vulnerability reasons. Ask what they can do to help your parents.

As far as I can tell, they've been on an interest only mortgage and that's come to an end. The letter (and I'm going on memory here) said that they owe the remainder of the mortgage (in the region of 65k) on the 31st or they'll start proceedings to repossess the house. So I need some sort of plan in place before then cause there's no way we/they can pay that. I'm not really comfortable saying the company.

I do think I need POA at this point but I have no idea what getting that entails.

Thank you all, you've really helped me.

As for uni, I'm not sure. I'll still pass so I'm not even sure if it's worth fighting over in the scheme of things. I did contact my lecturer last Monday and I'm still waiting for a reply.

I'd do the following.

Ask for an extension on the thesis - you have plenty of mitigating circumstances.

Pack yourself up on meds and head to your folks house and get dad to dig out every bit of paperwork he can find. There must be details of an endowment or similar which will mature and pay off the balance - right? Isnt that usually the way?

Council tax - have they paid previous years and just forgot this year? Ring and ask them to add the payment onto the monthly amounts moving forward.

POA or LPAs are tricky at the moement something like a 16 week lead time a few months back. However if you draw up a letter for your Dad to sign saying you are able to speak on his behalf and go into the bank with him that should be immediate even though account is online there is usually somewhere you can go in to verify things.

I would get your Dad to the GP as well for a check up = something as simple as a UTI can have a devastating effect on the mental accuity of someone older especially on top of your Mums situation. Are they claiming all the monies they are entitled to? They must also have expected to pay council tax so is it in Dads account - if so he could send a cheque in if he has a book - or you can go into council offices to pay. But also worth calling explaining the situation and asking for extra time and also payment plan

Re mortgage, get a broker and they will sort a mortgage for the 65k owed - that will pay off the endowment policy.

I can’t believe the bank wouldn’t help you in the branch to sort it with your dad there!

Sending best wishes and hoping you get a good night sleep.

Hi OP

I know you say your sister has her hands full with work and kids but I work and kids and I'd still make time to help family. Whether it's making phone calls on my lunch break, doing some paperwork or something at the weekend or taking some annual leave or time off in lieu to take my dad to an appointment. Don't assume that she would offer if she had time. She might think you are coping. At least ask her for help with some specific tasks. You can't go on like this. And that goes for any other people you can ask for help too (have you got a partner or have your parents got any other family you could ask for help?). Its ok to say 'I cant cope with everything on my own and I need some help'

@RB68

POA or LPAs are tricky at the moement something like a 16 week lead time a few months back. However if you draw up a letter for your Dad to sign saying you are able to speak on his behalf and go into the bank with him that should be immediate even though account is online there is usually somewhere you can go in to verify things.

I would get your Dad to the GP as well for a check up = something as simple as a UTI can have a devastating effect on the mental accuity of someone older especially on top of your Mums situation. Are they claiming all the monies they are entitled to? They must also have expected to pay council tax so is it in Dads account - if so he could send a cheque in if he has a book - or you can go into council offices to pay. But also worth calling explaining the situation and asking for extra time and also payment plan

This is what I was going to say. Get a sample of urine from your dad and drop it into the surgery and ask them to test for an infection. It’s scary how an infection can materialise as dementia. Re the POA you can fill it out online and print it, get it signed by someone who knows both you and your dad and submit it. It does take a while but that will happen in the background. When your mum gets out of hospital do one for her too.
I really sympathise with you as I was in a very similar situation and I remember how hard it was, it took me to have a mega tantrum(breakdown) to get my brother to start helping. I’m sure your sister could help with something. Maybe ask her to complete the POA. Try and get some rest and hopefully you will feel more in control tomorrow

I'm really sorry you're going though this. I think you need some outside help - perhaps Citizens Advice - as you're juggling a mountain of stuff for your parents. Perhaps someone on here would know who else you could approach.

Re your MA thesis, explain your mitigating circumstances and ask if you can resubmit. You have a lot on your plate and it's certainly worth explaining your situation to the uni. Don't be so overwhelmed with your family problems that you let your own future slide.

Good luck - and keep coming back to this site. It will help you to think things through.

Do they actually have an endowment policy to pay the balance off the mortgage? Or is it there’s a shortfall between the value of the endowment and the balance owed?
If there’s a shortfall they might be able to restructure the amount owed by extending the mortgage term.
You need to speak to the firm ASAP and clarify.

I don't think so. As far as I know they've only been paying the interest and not the actual mortgage so all of that is now due. No endowment that I know of and dad doesn't think so either.

Any older paper bank statements showing regular direct debits. If an endowment was being paid alongside the mortgage it would show up.

Sorry Op,