To think there must be more ways of resolving things that cutting people off or making acid comments?

[Hadtocomment]

When I read threads about people struggling to deal with sometimes quite minor tensions with other people, maybe family, often in-laws, or friends or others, on mumsnet often the advice flows thick and fast to cut people off, not see them, or to make little icy acid comments. This can make for dramatic and sometimes entertaining, reading. But surely neither of these approaches will help resolve or improve a relationship? A lot of situations are ordinary ones not particularly extreme that are part and parcel of everyday life so I'm not talking about clearly abusive situations. Whether it's an inlaw or an irritating friend or a bossy family member, am I being unreasonable to think that there must be lots of other ways of trying to resolve tensions and conflicts that people don't tend to suggest?

I wondered if people had examples of situations where they had resolved or improved relations with a friend or inlaw or work colleague or whatever where there was previous irritation and tension and what other ways they used rather than cutting off or making sarcastic or passive aggressive remarks? For my own part I was thinking of a very longstanding friendship of mine. Years ago my friend suddenly announced they were cutting me off. I was shocked and incredibly hurt. And had no idea why. In the end we managed to talk it all through and rather than any one incident. I think it was to do with me going through a bad time and being a bit self-absorbed and my friend"s inability to articulate this and worry about potential conflict so going straight to cutting off instead. We did resolve things and twenty years later we are still friends and it is lovely to have a long friendship going back through my life. I think to myself how sad if we lost contact and me not knowing why just because we had no other methods to tackle any tensions. And the experience also made me learn and be more self-aware which is surely valuable.

Am I being unreasonable to think many on mumsnet are very quick with the cutting off advice and the advice to make acid remarks is more likely to stoke conflict than resolve it? Have you got other examples of tensions and conflicts that have been resolved and how you and them did this?

Most of these posts are by people who are looking for validation and hairpats, not resolution.

Cutting someone off completely is not an easy decision and most likely the result of multiple events or attempts to resolve.
Sometimes two people are incompatible. It doesn’t have to lead to a huge fallout or massive drama, it can be as simple as a change in the balance from mostly positive to mostly negative.

The fact your friend was too afraid to discuss the situation with you or “too worried about potential conflict” would suggest they probably did try previously or didn’t feel it was actually worth it.

with me it depends on the person and the situation.

If my MIL had, for eg, been nasty at one of the nieces/nephews' weddings i'd have just walked away from her rather than make a scene or risk her making a scene if I'd told her to stop being nasty. At her house with other members of family there? I'd have asked her why she said that and then left.

I have boundaries, but i know when to use my acid tongue and when to save my revenge for later. I am incredibly petty and ALWAYS get my revenge/have my say.

I suppose I think that resolving things is a skill. Most of us don't want to cut off people because of trivial matters. If we did we would be left with very few super socially brilliant friends and would have to be super good at getting it all right from the get-go ourselves. But on the other hand trivial matters and tensions can build up and up and make things miserable. Particularly where people have different styles maybe which can be common with the many inlaw situations for example on here and sometimes like in work situations. I don't think cutting off is the best way of dealing with a friendship if you like the person even if it is unavoidable in some situations. I used my situation as an example because it was a longstanding friendship which had a lot still left to offer. We were both very young and probably didn't know how to express things honestly but unconfrontationally due to inexperience. I think we both value the friendship now. So it would have been good to see another way through. And I rarely see examples or advice on mumsnet that offers advice beyond cutting off, laying down the law or making snarky comments. Perhaps it's just me but I can't see how making acid comments will ever help a situation even if good for letting off steam on here. Perhaps on other boards there is more complex advice though.

I think most people will try the calm, reasonable approach first.
I've only ever cut one person dead after telling her to butt out quite clearly, but that was after 5 years of telling her politely.

Sometimes being polite just doesn't work.

A lot of it depends if you want to continue a relationship with the person, and how you want that relationship to be.

For me with MIL it was very clear that she was a nasty old witch to everyone who dared to marry into the family. My DH completely supported me and we rarely saw her together, in fact he rarely saw her anyway. Just the occasional (not even once per year) duty visit.

With people i have a professional relationship with: if it must continue i tell them that what they did/said wasn't acceptable and i would prefer it not to happen again. And then keep to professional only and take it from there.

With friends - we change and grow over our lifetimes. Sometimes we outgrow friends. Sometimes they do something so unacceptable that you are better off cutting them off (I did it with 2 RL friends i had known for years, and grieved for the lost friendship afterwards - it was over Brexit and it revealed a very nasty streak in both of them that i didn't want in my life any more)

Family members - well, it depends again how often you "have" to see them and what they said/did, doesn't it.

What amazes me on this site is that so many situations would be resolved if people would apply boundaries, not go the pass-agg route and stand up for themselves. Not always easy - and it is something we need to teach our children.

I have twice over the weekend suggested people stop flogging a dead horse and get on with their own lives, so I guess I am one of the people you are talking about.

One was a woman with an alcoholic relative who had ruined an family night out. I along with most of the board, suggested the tell the relative that she wouldn't engage with them if they were drunk or had been drinking. Pretending nothing was wrong was just enabling.

Second was a woman who saw her father 2-3 times a year and her brothers less so. She put all the effort into contacting them but got next to nothing in return nor even with her first child. I suggested she step back, send a Christmas cards etc but concentrate on her own family now. Leave the door open but to stop sticking her head through the window.

It's great that you were able to sort it out with your friend and salvage a long standing relationship but that only works when both of you are prepared to do that.

Thanks for replies so far. Catflapkitkat we were only able to resolve things because I was given some chance to find out what the problem was. Perhaps there were hints like someone suggested. But if you're from different families with different ways of doing things it might be hard for a person to pick up hints. And remember we were young.

Hints only work if you have the same understanding or way of doing things surely? People have more or less formal families for example. What is rude is different in different families. Families treat conflict in different ways - some are outspoken and get things out in the open, others might be more emotionally sensitive, some might be argumentative others may never speak of any resentments or disagreements. I wonder sometimes if this is why there is so much tension with in-laws on mumsnet. Different family styles and people not having the same way of communicating? I suppose I was curious to learn more about how things gets better or improve and what people do to get that to happen. Cutting off makes sense for some situations and definitely for abusive situations which I'm not talking about here. And still struggling with how acid comments help if you actually want to improve things.

But surely for the majority of situations it would be good to have some different tools in the toolkit so to speak.

@AlfonsoTheDinosaur

Most of these posts are by people who are looking for validation and hairpats, not resolution.

I think that's true to an extent. I think Mn also has more than an average number of people who find it difficult to assert themselves to an ordinary degree, and seem to be terrified of civilly challenging someone who has been explicitly rude, hostile or anti-social to them -- instead they fester about slights they have never actually challenged, come on here to complain while continuing to trot around after the person exploiting or mistreating them, and often seem to end up either continuing as usual, and allowing themselves to be mistreated, or going nuclear and cutting contact with the person.

Yes a friend was being rude, aggressive and hard to be around. I had this sudden flash of feeling that how she was behaving was a reflection of how she was being treated elsewhere. So I was very respectful, calm and showed her I had her back in a number of ways without saying it. I was right and on e that tough time ended she went back to her usual lovely self and relaxed. Nothing has ever been said And I don’t know if she was just so stressed that she didn’t realise how she was behaving.

I think a lot of people could work on their conflict resolution skills but I don't recognise this scenario where people go around cutting people off over small perceived slights. Anyone I've cut off has been for good reason and the friendship just wasn't tenable anymore and in fact wasn't so for quite some time. I see more people flogging a dead horse of a friendship that doesn't work for them than I see dramatic endings.

I've also never announced to someone that I was going to cut them off, it's usually been the result of an argument where we've both said our piece and just not spoken again afterwards and I have remained glad to this day that we don't speak to each other. But obviously every situation is different.

I think speaking face to face in disputes and leaning in to trying to resolve them is effective and disarming. Ddad and I had a falling out and there was a lot of angst. I picked up the phone and explained that I fully supported his choices even if I didn't agree with them, and wished him well. I wasn't going to cut him off so no point letting it fester. He said he thought it was brave of me to call. I always ask people planning to go low or no contact what approach they will take to contact if there's a serious illness, family wedding or funeral. Those often change things ime.

Ritafires you might well be right that people don't so much in real life. It's more the way on mumsnet so often people will be quick to advise cutting people off over things without attempting other methods. Or quick to advise passive aggressive comments which surely keep hostilities going. But you say yourself you just end up not speaking to people after arguments.

gowalkabout. I find that phonecall brave too. And it could have been totally rejected. It sounds like you weren't focused on "winning" or being the one in the right so much as laying it out about who you are but saying his choices are his choices even if they aren't choices you think are great. Treating him with respect but not having to give up on what you believe in either. Thanks for commenting I found that really useful.

Underamour you sound really tuned in to others! That's amazing and I wish I was as sensitive. I went through a period of being in a lot of pain a few years ago. Thankfully resolved now! Before then it had really never occurred to me that sometimes grumpy rude or sharp people might be in pain. I always bear it in mind now. The same for a time of stress. If it was a friend I would try and ask I think if their behavior became harsh or grumpy or irritable for whatever reason.

Brefugee your post fascinates me and is the subject for another thread even as the way people are falling out over big polarizing issues such a massive thing these days. I have been truly tested by some and have chopped a few people off social media who I don't know much so aren't actually friends. But I'm determined not to let any of those issues sever friendships if I can help it. I feel strongly that I don't want these issues to ruin relationships and that I should be able to be friends with people who come at things from a very different angle from me. I feel we should be able to discuss even very difficult divides. That isn't at all easy though and there are some polarizing issues that divide whole families these days.

I can’t forgive my BIL for what he did. My father was dying and I was 100 miles away (things happened very suddenly) I was getting ready to go to be with him and called to advise him. He made out like the palliative nurse was coming in the next 5 minutes to administer sedatives and remove oxygen. He refused to go and find her to ask when this was happening even after I begged. This then didn’t happen for 6 hours and my drive was 2.5-3 hours max. I then pleaded with him to put the phone to dad’s ear so I could say goodbye, he said no and hung up.

How can I ever look at him the same again?

Over 20 years ago a good friend I had known for 15 years cut me off after what initially appeared to be a trivial incident. She later wrote to me saying:-

"I realise Ive been a hypocrite. I went on accepting your hospitality when I should have spoken out."

I then understood that for some time I had been saying things which deeply offended her, and that this had gradually mounted up to cause real tension. She had never once said something like "I wish you wouldnt XXX as that really upsets me." Had she done so I would have valued the friendship sufficiently to alter my behaviour.

There was no email in those days. I tried writing to her asking her to meet and discuss the matter but she refused. So I had to accept her decision. A year ago I found her on Facebook and just sent a short greeting - she blocked me. Even now, after all these years, it still hurts.

The people in my life I have gone no contact with I told them frankly how their behaviour offended me. I gave them numerous opportunities to alter their behaviour before cutting them off.

Sometimes people just wont learn from your setting out your boundaries. But if you never set them out at all then you deny them the opportunity to learn.

If you still need or want the person in your life then of course you should try to resolve things but if not then you are under no obligation to speak to them.
There doesn’t need to be a big drama, you can just think “ I would really rather not bother”. The opposite of Love is indifference not hatred in many cases

Please can you link to an example of where a poster has been told to cut someone off for a minor reason?

It takes two people to resolve a situation and two people to keep a relationship healthy. If you’re putting in all the work and the other person has no interest in changing and it’s causing you constant upset then LC or NC is one of the solutions to this. No it’s not easy and yes it is a severe remedy but honestly my mental health is too precious to me to pls e it in the hands of someone who wants to damage it.

*place

I think if you're going to have a healthy discussion about a conflict, then you need both parties to be quite mature and able to accept criticism, and the relationship needs to be fairly strong and important to both. There are definitely people in (more or less out of, now) my life who have quite fragile egos and I could only have a cordial relationship with them as long as I never said anything that could possibly be construed as a criticism. I have tried raising issues with them in a healthy way, it only ever resulted in the silent treatment or more bad behaviour. IME when you have people like that to deal with, it doesn't matter how you approach conflicts, if you're not willing to give in to them, you'll end up NC or otherwise on terrible terms with them.

Agree that most often grown up conversation is needed.

Brefugee your post fascinates me and is the subject for another thread even as the way people are falling out over big polarizing issues such a massive thing these days. I have been truly tested by some and have chopped a few people off social media who I don't know much so aren't actually friends. But I'm determined not to let any of those issues sever friendships if I can help it.

I won't, however, continue to be belittled and mocked and called an unpatriotic traitor because I won't come back to UK to live, because I took an EU citizenship (adfitional) and more absolutely vile comments.

Sometimes it is better to say "enough".

You are absolutely right, there are more ways and I do think most people resolve issues without cutting people off.

Then there are those that don't speak for a while until tensions ease and the dust settles. After a time normal relationship resumes.

When things can't go back to the way they were a LC, polite and superficial relationship usually develops which makes attending events easy for everyone.

When one is a gaslighting sociopath who get their jollies from targeting you - they don't usually respond well to boundaries or "lets talk about it" requests - probably best to cut ties, take cover and be done with them.

I have seen "go nc" advice on here over the years that, imo, is akin to cracking an egg with a sledgehammer.