The school gate mums

[HappyIntrovert21]

I made friends with one of the school run mums. All was fine and I quite warmed up to her. She reassured me when we first met she wasn't like the bitchy mums she was nice, I suppose I should of heard alarm bells ringing then.

She started telling me very personal things about her friends that they wouldn't want others to know and I clicked on to her digging for information about myself and my life so I tried to keep my private life private from her when I did say things She'd make little comments like "oh happyintrovert that isn't that bad this is bad what happened to me." Etc. trying to one up me on quite trivial matters.
Then one of her friends messaged me privately asking if I was okay as she had been told some bad things about me. Someone I don't even know.
So I distanced myself not to the point of having nothing to do with her. Just kept to being polite and kept conversations really short and simple, haven't been rude and haven't confronted her as I don't see the point.

since then she's ignored me a few times at the school even when I've said hello, this morning she was stood with another mum and gave me a dirty look when I said hello.
I tried to make plans with another school mum for our kids to meet up, she didn't bother and as now friends with this other woman and is ingoring me.
AIBU to feel like I don't want to do the school runs anymore (obviously I know I have too but still)? I feel completely shit about myself and feel like I'm back in school. I'm quite an introverted person and I hate gossipers. I have no idea how to handle it.

Just ignore them, they will soon find out what the other mum is like.

Take some headphones and listen to music or an audio book while you wait for your kids.

Don't show up super early for collection.

Older children make their own friends - they'll soon be inviting their own friends round or being invited round by their friends

Just my experience, but the school gates is not a place for making friends. Not proper friends anyway. You can swap general chit chat whilst you’re waiting, but don’t expect to be friends with people when probably the most you have in common is kids the same age.

I started off chatting to some mums when ds started and we’d meet up and take the kids to parks etc but as they had older kids already in the school all they did was run it and the mums on the PTA down and I started avoiding them after that, joined the PTA myself and it was just more bitching about parents who didn’t get involved, so I left that after a couple of years.

8 years on, dd is now in y3, and I drop her at the gate in the morning and get there as close to the bell going as possible to pick her up. I’ve no interest in getting involved in all that stuff any more.

I wouldn’t waste my time on any of it if I was you, if they know you’re introverted, people like that will probably think you’re easy to manipulate. Best you can do is keep your head up, say hello if anyone says hello to you and just treat the whole thing as another daily chore.

The school gate isn't some kind of social event.
Drop off/pick up your dc at the specified time and leave.
If you're left waiting and hanging about if they are out late then browse mumsnet or call a friend. I take no notice whatsoever of people I don't know or who I get a bad vibe from. I'd certainly not entertain these no hopers. I'd not even look at them.

Honestly don't get all the angst about taking kids to school. If you were taking them to the Dr's you wouldn't expect to make lifelong friends. Yabu.

Happened to me a few times OP! Just ignore her and don't even say hello, as someone said they will so find out what she is like! Best to not get involved with school mums IMO.

I don't expect to make lifelong friends at the school gate. I was quite happy not talking to any of them when it was just my eldest and middle dc going to school. This mum happened to latch onto me when my second youngest started, not the other way round.
I do go as late as possible to do pick up/drop off but sometimes stood there for ten minutes or so waiting for all my children to come out. I will take my headphones from now on and stand blissfully unaware instead. Thank you.

Oh op, the mums that say they aren't bitchy, usually are and they just don't realise how god damn awful they are! Do the school run, just ignore the bitches. I literally just go in at the right time and leave without hanging around. I do get on quite well with some of the parents in DS's class but don't see much of them now he's year 6 and most walk to and from alone. The parents in DD's class are plain awful.

Don't make eye contact with her op.
They'll soon find out what she's like and she'll latch onto someone else.
There's more playground games amongst the parents than there is in the actual school.
As pp browse your phone etc if your waiting.

Don’t waste your time on them. I had one school gate mum went round and trash talked my business to people I’d been friends with for years.

Some people just want to be queen bee. Can’t be bothered with that.

You're not alone op. This comes up again and again on mumsnet that some school parents behave like bullies on the playground. There was a dad that was just as bad on mine. Is there anywhere you could go and sit or stand apart from them and look on your phone with headphones as pp said. Someone I know took a book. Or perhaps there are nicer mums?

I actually wouldn’t do the headphones thing; I would ignore the bitchy one and continue to be yourself around the others. Being friends with school mums is really nice, IME. You can enjoy play dates & parties more, and maybe get a group of friends you can call on in an emergency to pick up the kids etc.

It’s awful this wannabe queen bee thinks it’s ok to treat another woman like this, but it’s no reason you should stop making friends, if that’s what you want.

Keep your head high, smile and keep suggesting meet ups with some others. If this woman wants to be bitchy, she’ll either find her own little bitchy clique or she’ll find herself alone. Either way, you will make plenty of other friends.

The school run is for taking kids to/from school. I wouldn’t want to be involved in such a toxic environment.

Ignore, headphones on, or just talk to other parents. Don’t give this person any headspace.

I’ve had 16 years of school runs. The trick is to turn up bang on time and look at your phone.

I have made some friends but on my own terms. And I don’t get involved in any nonsense.

I never see any of this bitching school mums thing. At my kids school the parents are just normal people, some I get on well with, some less so, everyone is largely polite nonetheless. There's one woman whom I have tried hard to be friendly to for years, who constantly complains that everything is "cliquey" - she felt "excluded" by the local baby group, then "left out" at the local playgroup, then the preschool mums were "cliquey" according to her and the school mums are the same.... but from others perspective, she is the issue. She doesnt take initiative, I've invited her back for coffee/playdates a few times but she does not reciprocate, she doesnt volunteer to help the PTA or anything, comes across as nervy and is a bit of a worrier. She also very clearly "chooses" who she would like her child to be friends with (3 times now she has targeted a very popular child who has nothing in common with hers and already has close friends) all the while not noticing other children who actually like her child....

Loads of people have tried hard but she tells herself she's "excluded" when she isnt.

I disagree with those trivialising school gate friendships. Networks of people in similar situations to ours are important. When we have young children quite often our social circle and support networks change dramatically. I am still friends 11 years on with women I met on the school run. We listed each other as authorised collectors in case one of us was tied up in meetings etc, so a quick text of "can you grab xxx for me and I'll pick them up from you at xxx" was regular and reciprocated. We went to each other for advice and support with bullying, school issues, parenting issues, work discrimination, bereavement, relationship issues. One lady was having cancer treatment, so her friends had a rota of child care and collection so she didn't have to drive after treatment and her dh could continue to work the best he could.
Amongst the school run parents you find allies but also spiteful gits.

Don't talk to any of them. Lifeless dullards.

Yes, ignore her and just talk to the nice ones as if nothing has happened. In my experience you don't make friends in the playground, you make acquaintances and a network, but when you go out and do other things with those people away from the kids you might make one or two good friends from the group.

The thing is, there will be another mum at the gates who has been on the receiving end of this womans nastiness and is over it, who just comes a minute or 2 before pick up and drop off. She's moved on to her next victim who will soon enough be left standing like you are..and so the cycle will continue.