I've name-changed for obvious reasons.
I don't know why this has come up now but it's recently been bothering me and I've never really told anyone except for my DH.
Trigger Warning
When I was 19, I was on a night out with a friend. It was late and my friend wanted to head home. We live in a small city where everyone knows everyone so I quickly found some other friends that I knew and my friend left.
As the night went on, I ran out of money and was sharing drinks with a close male friend. Someone I had known since I was 11 and someone who was a lovely and had always been great to me. Someone I trusted.
At the end of the night, I was too drunk to stand and I have massive gaps in my memory. I remember being in a taxi with my friend, I remember lying on the sofa with a bowl next to me. I was in and out of consciousness.
I woke up at some point to my 'friend' having sex with me. I didn't stop him. I didn't scream. I said nothing. Even if I wanted to, I was still to drunk to function.
The next morning, I woke up feeling terrible and asked what had happened. He began to cry and say he was sorry. He said 'oh my god, I raped you. I was so drunk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was drunk.'
At the time, I didn't know it was rape. I was young and because I didn't say no I didn't think it was rape. I comforted him! I reassured him! He left soon after and walked home. But not before begging me not to tell anyone because he had a girlfriend.
I felt dirty. I felt confused. But I never told anyone because he was the nice guy with a childhood sweetheart. Everyone knew him and everyone loved him. I'd be labelled the slut who broke them up. I'd be the one who did wrong. I'd be the one who would be blamed. So I never told my parents, my friends no one. Not until my DH.
Ironically, he is a now police officer in our home city. He is still with his childhood sweetheart and no one is none the wise.
I won't ever report it but it definitely feels good to write it down.