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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnancy and age

16 replies

Pinkfrescias · 10/10/2021 17:09

I'm 36 and my dh is 49. I am 16 weeks pregnant and by the time baby arrives he will nearly be 50.

We are very happy about the pregnancy. But it does worry me a bit that he will be an 'old' dad. Of course we considered this before ttc and decided that love and security were more important factors than age but it's still a worry for us both I think.

Is 50 really old for a man to father a child for the first time? Do you know of any fathers this age and did they struggle with babies and toddlers?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2021 17:15

My parents were older and struggled through the teenage years. They had really outdated views. I think the most important thing is to keep in touch with how society and the world is changing. I was a grandmother at your DH's age and I'm doing that, so any advice that I give is relevant. As someone who was dating 50+ year old men, grumpiness must be cut down on. Obviously physical health should be taken seriously. But that's about it in terms of age.

girlmom21 · 10/10/2021 17:22

50 is quite old for a first time dad, realistically, but his mindset and health are much more relevant than his age.

Rainbowpurple · 10/10/2021 17:32

Two of my close friends have their first kids with older partners. One of them was 49 and the other was 50. One was really happy to pull his weight to take the babies to and from activities and when the school started he was an excellent engaging dad. The other found it really awkward mixing with 'young' dads and stayed on as really hands off dad. All really depend on what kind of dad they want to become really. However both of them mentioned it is definitely hard physically. Chasing after toddler in 50s hard in any case!

Original poster

Pinkfrescias · 10/10/2021 20:31

Thank you appreciate the comments. I would say he's quite cool for his age don't think he will be too out of touch. But I do think he will have a few hang ups about being an older dad at the school gates and so on.

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 10/10/2021 21:20

Mindset is the most important thing.

Bluekangaroo123 · 10/10/2021 21:52

I know two dads that were 50 or close to that age when their babies were born. Both fantastic dads & very involved. Agree with PP that it’s about mindset & it’s much more common these days.

Milkbottlelegs · 10/10/2021 22:01

@StoneofDestiny

Mindset is the most important thing.

This. Absolutely.

OH isn’t 50 but was late 40s when we had our first. He sometimes mentions being an older Dad but a massive upside for him (and us really) is financial security and a real feeling that he’s not missing out on anything by becoming a dad. Most of his friends had kids already so they’d stopped going out much as it was. He genuinely adores spending time with the kids (won’t even hear of using a kids club on holiday, much to my annoyance!) in a way that’s not quite the same with my younger male friends who are Dads.

He does feel tired quite often though, not sure if that’s age related or not. I tend to find myself doing more of the night wake ups/early starts but he’s very happy to take the kids off for a few hours on the weekend so I get time to myself. I think we’re both happy with how we share time like that.

There are some advantages to being an older parent.

WellLarDeDar · 10/10/2021 22:23

My neighbours have two kids around the age of 9-12 and their dad is 62 and they have a fantastic relationship it's lovely, they're such a great family. Made me really worry a lot less about rushing to have kids 'while we're young'

DogsandCatsB4u · 10/10/2021 22:45

It is old but I think better than a teen parent

LittleGwyneth · 11/10/2021 10:38

It's not especially old where I'm based in London - most dads seem to be in their late thirties and early forties. I totally understand why you're worrying but there's nothing you can do, so it is one of those things you'll have to make peace with. Your DH should try and look after himself as best he can and stay healthy, and then there should be very little to worry about.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/10/2021 10:39

I don’t think it’s mindset- it’s energy, yes it will be harder being older- but it is what it is, pros and cons to everything in life.

RobinPenguins · 11/10/2021 10:42

A maternity leave acquaintance of mine’s DH was late 50s. He already had grown up children with his first wife. It didn’t seem like he struggled so much as he just wasn’t that involved. I remember going to her DS 1st birthday party at her house and her DH wasn’t there. She seemed happy enough with the set up though, and they’ve gone on to have a DD too.

Greyeverywhere · 11/10/2021 10:47

My dad was 48 when I was born, I never ever noticed a difference when I was younger at all, my dm was a sahm so did most of the child rearing but he was still very involved in taking us out and playing with us etc..
It wasn't until i was older that I realised he was older than most dad's but its never bothered me at all, he did the same or more as most fathers would. He also worked til he was 79 so he's always been very fit and healthy and not like his age at all.

CecilyP · 11/10/2021 10:58

Is 50 really old for a man to father a child for the first time? Do you know of any fathers this age and did they struggle with babies and toddlers?

Well it’s a good deal older than average but that shouldn’t be a problem. And, yes, I do have a friend who became a dad for the first time at 50 (his wife was 30 and already had one child) and he is probably the most enthusiastic dad I’ve ever met! As he is self-employed, they managed all childcare between themselves. Sixteen years on he is young for his age, fit, healthy and still working and they are a very happy family.

Original poster

Pinkfrescias · 11/10/2021 11:00

Thanks all this has really reassured me. In an ideal world we would have met earlier and had kids younger (although the age gap between us would always have made him an older parent than me obviously). But we are where we are and we are both very happy. I also have a dc from a previous relationship but they are 10 now so it will be very much like starting afresh for me too.

OP posts:

MyMonkeyBoy · 11/10/2021 15:57

I see you already got a lot replies, but just wanted to add mine.

We had our first baby this year, I'm 29, my DH is 55, so an even bigger age gap than yours and he's a a bit older when we had our baby. It was never an issue for us though, as someone already mentioned, it's a lot about mindset, as well as fitness ans energy levels. My DH is a mechanic as well as a farmer, so he's quite fit, has to be! Our DS is only 8 months, so I can't comment on toddler years yet, but so far, I haven't noticed any difference between DH and me. While I do the nightwakings (DS is breastfed, so wasn't really an option to not do them!), my DH is awake for most of them and changes his nappy after if needed. The only time he has ever said he felt too old for a baby was at the beginnin, g when DS wouldn't sleep for more than 40 mins and we were exhausted. I really don't think that had anything to do with age though - I was just as exhausted as he was!

Anyways, the point being, if he wants to be a good dad, he will be one, regardless of his age. In my experience anyways! My DH hates leaving us for work as he just wants to spend all day with our DS.

Hope all goes well for you, congratulations on your pregnancy!

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