To think the difference my younger siblings is treated is unfair.

[Kaceya2230]

Hello all! I'm the oldest of 4. I'm 30 and siblings are younger 15, nearly 19 and 23. I will probably be flamed and told it's nothing to do with me but I am worried about my brother...

He works. He isn't in a high paid job but in a steady job. My mother charges him quite a bit rent despite that he's never actually home - always at work, out and about etc. He even buys all his own food. Not sure how much he's paying exactly but he also pays for bills in the house - bills that wouldn't drop if he moved out - council tax, internet etc. Also pays the water bill which would decrease slightly if he moved out but he pays the whole thing. My parents are shite with money and in a lot of debt. I'm worried he'll never be able to save to move out of that toxic house (another story, I think he's not realised it yet). I feel like my mums making him pay the bills so she has more money for herself. She's very money orientated and selfish with it. When I had a summer job when I was a teen she'd help herself to money I earned and spend it! Even when I was still in school and earning hardly anything.

But bizarrely my middle sibling (nearly 19) is treated so much differently is in third year of college so fair enough is not able to work full time. But their college course is literally 2 days a week now. She does nothing in between but sit on her bum.she gets hundreds pounds worth of make up, clothes, a new model phone etc just given to her. Apparently my brother pays for her phone contract!! At that age I was expected to get a job in college. I know jobs are hard to find but where we live (south west) there's lots of jobs in the summer - even if she worked seasonal and didn't in the winter. If I didn't earn money at 19 and younger I wouldn't have had anything - no clothes, no phone etc. They literally baby her - she can't even go to the shops to get herself lunch. Doesn't do a thing for herself. My parents are allowing this happen. I'm not saying she needs a full time job and pay rent or anything but be encouraged to do something! Even if she volunteered somewhere. She doesn't lift a finger in the house. The worst part is if I dared leave a plate in the sink when I lived there my dad but she can't do anything wrong. It's bizarre!

To add, I'm 30 and moved out at 19 to get away.

Aibu to think

1. This is unfair on my brother. I doubt if she'll have to pay bills if she ever gets a job.

1. They need to stop babying her and encourage her to do more!

Somewhat I'm glad that my sister isn't treated the same as me and db is/was but at the same time it's like one extreme to another...

1. You mind your own business.

Have you spoken to him about it? It seems a lot of responsibility for such a young age and not much fun but maybe he is okay with it.

Presumably he can speak up if he isn't OK with the arrangement!? I'd stay out of it.

You are 30 and completely overinvested in this. Your brother is an adult and can move out. Maybe focus on your own life instead of being jealous of your adult sister.

It does seem unfair and you’re aware of that since you left so surely your brother is able to move out and follow your lead if he wants? Have you talked to him?

I never get the posts telling people to mind their own business when it’s their immediate family. I find in the real world people do have opinions and vested interests in their family.

Why people are telling you to mind your own business is beyond me, this is your family and it sounds like your brother is being taken advantage of, not everyone is capable of sticking up for themselves when it comes to situations like this. The only advice I'd have for you is to encourage your brother to move out, I don't think there's much else you can do unfortunately.

It does sound like your brother is being taken advantage off. Do your parents have financial worries you know nothing about?

Also, maybe your parents feel they need to support your dsis through college but will expect her to start paying when working.

Your parents sound weird at best.

I'd be focusing efforts on helping my brother get out of that house and ignore the 19 year old sister bit.

Can he either move in for a bit wìth you (maybe 6 months) or can you help him get a deposit so he can live independently either by moving into a houseshare or with some friends.

Ignore people telling you to mind your own business. Presumably they’re saying it because they find the financial abuse of their children acceptable.

A number of years ago, I worked in a field where I was responsible (to a degree) for the welfare of paid full time apprentices. We were shocked to discover that a small minority of these apprentices were having their wages paid into their parents bank accounts and having little or no access to the money themselves. This was at the instigation of the parents. Whilst the circumstances you describe are not the same, it should illustrate that parents can and do take advantage of their own children for financial gain and that no, we should not just mind our own business.

Have you spoken to your brother about it? Does he realise that what he is paying is not necessarily representative or a fair proportion of the costs that your parents are incurring having him in the house? Could you help him to find a room in a house share!

Seconding what @Lolalovesmarmite says here.
Also baffled at the "mind your own business" attitude. Completely disagree with pp saying you're over invested & jealous. To assume that is just downright weird imo.
God forbid any of them end up needing support themselves from well meaning family.

What support can you give your brother so he can move out?

I agree thag this is annoying but your brother needs to take responsibility for his own life and say enough is enough. As an adult he can fight his own battles. If someone sits back and lets people walk all over them, it's nobody's fault but their own.

Could your brother move in with you?

I'm assuming we're talking about the 23-year-old and not the 15-year-old. If that's the case, then it sounds like he can afford to move out if he wants, and he's chosen not to. His reasons for that aren't really any of your business, but if you insist on discussing them, that's a conversation you should have with him - not your mother, and not your other siblings. If he wants to pay for his sister's phone, that's their business, not yours.

Ignore people telling you to mind your own business. Presumably they’re saying it because they find the financial abuse of their children acceptable.

I can't speak for others, but I'm saying it because the "child" they're "financially abusing" is a 23-year-old man who can do what he likes with his own money. That includes supporting his parents and his younger siblings if that's how he chooses to spend it. Would I make the same choices if I were him? Probably not. But I'm not so arrogant as to believe that my way is the One Right Way, anyone who feels differently is being "abused," and if they don't view it as abuse, they're wrong because I know better than they do about their own life.

It's really up to your brother to make a change if he's not happy with the situation. It's possible he is perfectly OK with it for whatever reasons he has.
I don't think whether your sister works or not is really any of your business - presumably she's still at sixth form and even if she wants to work, it's not always that easy to just get a job anyway

It sounds like your mum has a golden child scapegoat type dynamic going with your siblings. You might find the stately home thread helpful, unfortunately it's not an uncommon situation. I don't believe a child that's been raised under this dynamic can just move out. The situation sounds very unfair, its damaging in different ways to both of them. I'm not sure how much you can do, but you can be there and support him when he's ready to see, give him reassurance it's ok to move out, that sort of thing.

@YodaiamsaidI

Could your brother move in with you?

I second this.

You mention he's hardly ever home so sounds like he just needs a base to sleep and leave his things till he can afford to move out on his own.

Maybe if he's not there your parents might expect a bit more from your sister.

My uncle had a family like yours. There is no way he could have saved anything with the amount of board he was paying so when he and my aunt got engaged my grandparents allowed him to move in with them. His parents weren't happy and complained that my grandparents were now getting his board! Then complained again whenever my cousins visited that they stayed with my grandparents believing that they were missing out on their board - I mean who charges visiting family board???

I second the "can he move in with you" idea.

I think people saying that he can move out if he's that bothered haven't considered how a toxic family situation (OP's own words) can affect you. I definitely agree that this sounds like a classic golden child/scapegoat situation.

Maybe you could go for a drink or for lunch with him OP, and have a chat about the situation and see where he's at with it? It can be difficult to come to the realisation that you own parents are mistreating you.

I dont understand why everyone is assuming the brother can just move out when it sounds like its impossible for him to save up for a deposit

Op in your shoes i would either offer for the brother to live with me or offer to lend him the money for a deposit. If you arent in a position to do either i would at least have a chat with him about pulling back his support so he can start saving for his own future. Is he being forced into some kind of toxic 'man of the house' senario where hes being made to think its normal for a man to fund all the women perhaps?

@Toomanyradishes

I dont understand why everyone is assuming the brother can just move out when it sounds like its impossible for him to save up for a deposit

Op in your shoes i would either offer for the brother to live with me or offer to lend him the money for a deposit. If you arent in a position to do either i would at least have a chat with him about pulling back his support so he can start saving for his own future. Is he being forced into some kind of toxic 'man of the house' senario where hes being made to think its normal for a man to fund all the women perhaps?

This.

Would you be able to have him come stay with you for a little while? Maybe if he moved out for 6 months he would be able to save for a deposit to rent somewhere of his own. It sounds like he's used to financial responsibility anyway, so could be good for him to get out of there. Your parents need to take responsibility for their own finances!

@Toomanyradishes

I dont understand why everyone is assuming the brother can just move out when it sounds like its impossible for him to save up for a deposit

Op in your shoes i would either offer for the brother to live with me or offer to lend him the money for a deposit. If you arent in a position to do either i would at least have a chat with him about pulling back his support so he can start saving for his own future. Is he being forced into some kind of toxic 'man of the house' senario where hes being made to think its normal for a man to fund all the women perhaps?

Agree with radishes