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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to this?

9 replies

TurnUpTurnip · 10/10/2021 10:20

My ex has always had sporadic contact with our children since we broke up 5 years ago, he has been more out than in, he sees the children once a year for a few months then gets bored and disappears only to resurface again a year later asking to see them again. He hasn’t seen them since January, no reason for this, he used a lot of excuses around that time not to see them, mainly Covid related till it just fizzled out and we stopped hearing from him. Since we split up he’s never once been to the children’s school or had them overnight. Like I said he has not seen them since January now, last night I received a text message at midnight (!) asking if he could buy the children phones so he can contact them himself. The message was poorly written and had a spelling mistake so I think he may have been drunk, now I will point out I’ve asked him in the past to call the children regularly if he won’t be seeing them regularly (how only ever wanted to see them once a fortnight for a few hours) he did this once and then never called again.

Aibu to say no to this? My children not old enough to have their own phones and I wasn’t going to buy them any until they start secondary school. Also for the fact he has had no contact since January and he was texting me at midnight which is inappropriate. I don’t want a 9 and 7 year old having their own phones.

OP posts:
SequinnedShawl · 10/10/2021 10:23

Agree with you.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/10/2021 10:28

I completely agree with you too.

It sounds horrifying that this man could have unrestricted text and call access to these small children Shock.

Luckily you have the power to say no. And even in the very unlikely event that he did buy them a phone each, you are in a position to not let them have them as their dear father never sees them anyway.

Unfortunately it seems that your job is to protect your children from their own father Sad.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/10/2021 10:30

Yes I didn’t want to include it because I didn’t want to be flamed but I’m also concerned about him having unsupervised access to contact them, he has in the past told the children that I’m the reason why he can’t see them, by that he meant because I was no longer allowing him in my house to see them. Apparently that’s me stopping contact. So I would be worried about what he is saying to them.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 10/10/2021 10:31

He probably won't even attempt to follow it up, it'll be just one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time - he'll just have been pissed and maudlin and DEFINITELY NOT PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE for never seeing his kids.

pelosi · 10/10/2021 10:33

@TurnUpTurnip

Yes I didn’t want to include it because I didn’t want to be flamed but I’m also concerned about him having unsupervised access to contact them, he has in the past told the children that I’m the reason why he can’t see them, by that he meant because I was no longer allowing him in my house to see them. Apparently that’s me stopping contact. So I would be worried about what he is saying to them.
He really is a lazy twat.

Don’t even reply to him.

Jeremyspoke · 10/10/2021 10:49

Yes you should say no (or nothing at all, I just wouldn't reply tbh), the DC are too young for phones and Chamomileteaplease is right, unrestricted contact with a father who drops out of their lives for months on end and is only interested when he's drunk and feeling sorry for himself could be horrific for them.

If you do feel the need to reply you can just say they're too young, you don't want them potentially exposed to the internet and social media yet and you have a perfectly functional phone he can call them on so no need for their own. I'd avoid getting into arguments about his behaviour, focus on what's best for DC so you can't get drawn into his bullshit. Your DC are lucky they have a safe and stable parent in you and your instinct to protect them from his chaos is spot on Flowers

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2021 10:51

What he said was emotional abuse. It's up to you to protect them from him. It's you who now sets how/if any contact takes place. Personally now I would wait until they are in their tweens and can ask him outright why he's such a waste of space, which they do.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/10/2021 11:35

Thank you all I didn’t think I was being unreasonable, even if he was a good father I think they are too young to have their own phones. I just won’t respond as we haven’t spoken in months. The fact that he thinks texting me at midnight is acceptable just confirms things.

OP posts:
BakingOfTheFoodCats · 10/10/2021 18:16

Yanbu I wouldn’t allow it

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