Surely I’m not U to go to police?

[itsnotbaggage]

Historical serious sexual assault, within last ten years. Perpetrator still works in same role where they have daily access to vulnerable adults .

I didn’t tell anyone at the time as I couldn’t, I developed alcohol addiction and physical illness (psychosomatic) and had a dreadful time . I eventually told my GP this year, and she referred me to Rape Crisis and mental health team, both of who have been enormously helpful and have supported me in discussing what would happen if I made a statement to the police .

In my mind the individual involved deserves to be found out, and I deserve to be told that what happened to me was wrong and inexcusable .

I stupidly told someone I believed I could trust yesterday, and their reaction has bewildered me . They said it’s nonsense,
I’d be best to forget it ever happened, pointless going near the police, what difference will that make, it happened in the past and can be left in the past . They said it’s silly to keep thinking about it/have to get over it .

I’d never discussed it with them before, they weren’t involved, they don’t know the perpetrator at all .

In my head it’s not in the past at all . I remember every single day . I have flashbacks, I struggle to have normal relationships, sex is out of the question . If something triggers me I shut down altogether . I need sedatives or intensive support to access healthcare .

In my mind going to the police might get me some sort of justice; it’s highly unlikely but just to know that my experiences would be recorded even - in case any other woman came forward .

Why would the person I talked to say those things yesterday? It’s left me thinking I don’t ever want to tell them a thing again, as clearly they don’t get it at all, which has left me very sad .

I'm so so sorry you went through this.
And sorry for the persons reaction, perhaps they felt awkward or though they were helping by saying not to think about it (obviously completely wrong thing so say).
I think you should go to the police for a few reasons-you say they're working with vulnerable people-they shouldn't be, you deserve justice for what happened to you and also if they've done it before they'll likely do it again, you could be saving future victims.

That was what i thought, that my experiences need to be on a file if possible in case it happens again .

I’m wondering if they meant it to be helpful ie moving on and finding happiness but it isn’t as simple as that, what happened to me was absolutely awful and wrong snd I deserve to get closure on that. If not I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering and questioning .

Ignore them. They are wrong. I expect they have their own demons and this has struck a nerve with them. I hope you are OK.

Their reaction is sadly very common.

It's up to you. Good luck whatever you decide.

You are absolutely not being U.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. The person you told has reacted oddly for their own reasons, but they are not right.

If that predator still has access to vulnerable people, he is still attacking them. Predators rarely only attack once. Please try and report this if you possibly can - it will start your own healing process and may well protect other vulnerable people.

If you are in Herts, Beds or Bucks i will come to the police with you, if you like. I know I'm a total stranger, but I believe you.

For a long time sweeping things under the rug and "not thinking about them" and "getting on with your life" were considered the best way to deal with trauma, especially sexual trauma. These attitudes linger even though its widely recognised these days that they are total crap.

I was raped, reported it and it went to trial.

On the negative side:

Don’t expect a conviction, or even necessarily him to be charged

If it goes to trial, expect it to be traumatic, and to feel that you are on trial yourself. This is normal in even the most clear-cut cases.

On the positive side:

You will feel better about reporting it - it means future assaults are more likely to be taken seriously/proceed to trial. It may give you some closure that you have done everything you could to bring him to justice.

If he’s arrested, it will appear on his DBS, and depending on his profession he may need to report it to his regulator, so even if not charged it will be a thorn in his side for a while.

I’m sorry your friend was unsupportive. People, including juries unfortunately, believe a lot of very strange myths about rape and how rape victims “should” react.

I am so sorry OP.

Of course the person you told was wrong.

It absolutely is not in the past.

10 years is nothing.

Great advice above.

I think you are so brave to consider the police to save others.

I think you should definitely do it for that reason alone.

@billy1966

I am so sorry OP.

Of course the person you told was wrong.

It absolutely is not in the past.

10 years is nothing.

Great advice above.

I think you are so brave to consider the police to save others.

I think you should definitely do it for that reason alone.

this ^^

If you are strong enough now - and it sounds like you are, and that you have the right support - then I would absolutely encourage you to do it, if it feels like the right thing for you.

It won't be easy, but you've spoken to people that deal with this professionally, so you know that.

I wish you well.

YANBU whatever you decide to do.

The person you spoke to is an ignorant pig

To vaguely stick up for the person a tiny bit, though I don’t think they handled it well. But considering they’re a friend?

They may believe that the trauma of going through the system where 1% of cases leads to conviction might make things even worse for you.
You have to go to the police with the knowledge it might not give you the outcome you want.

But you must always do what’s the best for you.

@itsnotbaggage I was going to ask if you mind me messaging you but I'm not sure how to do it.

@Changechangychange

I was raped, reported it and it went to trial.

On the negative side:

Don’t expect a conviction, or even necessarily him to be charged

If it goes to trial, expect it to be traumatic, and to feel that you are on trial yourself. This is normal in even the most clear-cut cases.

On the positive side:

You will feel better about reporting it - it means future assaults are more likely to be taken seriously/proceed to trial. It may give you some closure that you have done everything you could to bring him to justice.

If he’s arrested, it will appear on his DBS, and depending on his profession he may need to report it to his regulator, so even if not charged it will be a thorn in his side for a while.

I’m sorry your friend was unsupportive. People, including juries unfortunately, believe a lot of very strange myths about rape and how rape victims “should” react.

This. My report didn't go as far as getting to court, but knowing that there is something on file now if anyone else reports him is helpful.

It's up to you, of course, but I think the person who told you yesterday you should do nothing should have kept their opinion to themselves.

I'm sorry all of this happened to you - the abuse, and yesterday's reaction. Take care of yourself x

Your friend is wrong on this, and you should ignore their advice. I think you should absolutely contact the police. I did, and it was a lot longer than ten years previously, but I couldn't forget it. Telling them, and them taking it seriously, helped me enormously, and it's in the past for me now. (It also made DH realise how much it was affecting me, and he helped me too.) You can then decide if you want to take it further. At least his card will be marked.

You're not wrong OP.

The person you told, whoever they are, is very very wrong. Also they're not your friend with that attitude. That's what helps people like your attacker get away with it for years, forever.

Report it OP, the longer this goes on the angrier you will become. It’s never too late. At least you will know that you’ve done all that you can whatever happens.