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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that my child's dad said this?

20 replies

keepingmumred · 09/10/2021 22:21

Basically me and my child's dad (DD8) are on very good terms, I would say we are friends. He is a great dad, always there if I need his help (for instance when the cat brought in a live bird he was round in 5 minutes to catch it) and we do have a lot of 'deep' conversations.

Today it was DDs birthday so he came round and we were talking, he's recently been through a break up with a partner of 3 years. They split about 3 months ago, I asked him today how he has been and if there was no chance they will get back together.

This is where he started listing all the reasons she split with him, saying how he has learned so much from their relationship and everything he put her through. I sat there and thought 'wow you put me through that and more when I had PND and I have not had an acknowledgment in the 6 years since we split.'

He then continued that he has never felt for anyone like he has for her and that she was his soulmate and always will be the one that got away.

Now that's fine if that's how he really feels but why in the world would he say that to me? It makes me feel like chopped liver and basically undermines our full relationship.

I found it really hurtful and have had a really horrible knot in my stomach since the conversation. AIBU?

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 09/10/2021 22:22

Sounds like you’re not over him...

NotYourCupOfTea · 09/10/2021 22:23

Erm because he also things your friends and were having another deep conversation?

Although I’m not sure why you’d want to stay friends with someone who you then say treated you really badly. Time for some boundaries

IComeInPeace · 09/10/2021 22:24

I guess it's his prerogative to love who he loves, but you are not his counsellor and he hasnt learnt as much as he believes he's learnt to say hurtful things to his child's mother.

Janaih · 09/10/2021 22:24

Yabu to think you can have these 'deep' conversations with your ex. Boundaries are blurred here. I suggest protecting yourself by putting a bit of distance between you. You can still keep it friendly and civil and co patent successfully. But you can't be friends with so much painful history

IWantT0BreakFree · 09/10/2021 22:24

What an insensitive twat. It doesn't sound like you're not over him at all. It's completely understandable that this would piss you off.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/10/2021 22:25

I'm sorry you feel shit. I think because he was with his exGF for 3 years and you now see each other as friends, he's spoken to you about it as he would any other friend. Those are cutting remarks to hear and I'd pull back a bit and let him get relationship advice elsewhere from now on.

Original poster

keepingmumred · 09/10/2021 22:26

@TurnUpTurnip

Sounds like you’re not over him...

It does sound like that but I genuinely, genuinely am over him. Like I know he's had a serious relationship, that doesn't bother me, I was friendly with her when they were together. It was just the things he was saying today I found hurtful and they did bother me. I am not still attracted to him or have feelings for him romantically though. I just felt it dismissed our relationship for theirs.

OP posts:

SoniaFouler · 09/10/2021 22:27

but why in the world would he say that to me?

I asked him today how he has been and if there was no chance they will get back together.

SoniaFouler · 09/10/2021 22:28

Posted too soon. Anyway, YABU. Why ask and then get stroppy over the answer?

3scape · 09/10/2021 22:28

He obviously trusted you with his feelings. It was perhaps unwise of you to remain close to someone who had obviously inflicted a certain amount of emotional harm and never shown any remorse. I'm sorry you're hurting now. Perhaps it's time to remove him from your close circle and work on your boundaries around trusting people who clearly cannot be.

Original poster

keepingmumred · 09/10/2021 22:28

@SoniaFouler

but why in the world would he say that to me?

I asked him today how he has been and if there was no chance they will get back together.

How have you been? - ive been struggling to get over my break up but I'll get there.

Any chance you would get back together? - no she's not interested.

Don't see why it was absolutely necessary to say what he did.

OP posts:

PixieLaLa · 09/10/2021 22:29

Yer this is why being ‘friends’ with ex’s doesn’t really work…..

TurnUpTurnip · 09/10/2021 22:29

You can’t expect you to be the one he felt the strongest about or feel that you was his soul mate I’m guessing you think he should feel that because you have his child?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/10/2021 22:30

Doesn’t at all sound like you’re not over him . Of course it’s hurtful that he would say that. I agree with the pp who said you can’t really have these sort of deep conversations with an exh, not in most cases.

Dmacka75 · 09/10/2021 22:30

I would feel really hurt too, if he has never acknowledged how he may have hurt you in your relationship

maddening · 09/10/2021 22:31

In a year he probably won't, it's all still new and he isn't over her yet.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 09/10/2021 22:32

Thats a bit of a twatty thing of him to say to you and I can see why that hurts but at the same time I honestly can’t understand why you would want to be close to or friends with someone who you say treated you so terribly and has never acknowledged or apologised that fact!!? The mind boggles! Time to take a step back.

StoneofDestiny · 09/10/2021 22:33

Try and be the next one who really got away

Original poster

keepingmumred · 09/10/2021 22:37

It took a long time to build our relationship. I seen my mum and dad fight like cat and dog when I was younger so I wanted the opposite for my daughter. It wasn't intentional, it started out very rocky and then it slowly started to become civil to progress to how it is now. I agree I need to step back. I did say today that I was offended and he apologised and said he does know what he did to me and he thought about it but just never voiced it to me, didn't make me feel much better though.

OP posts:

TheChip · 09/10/2021 22:37

Could he have thought that you you were trying to edge your way back in when asking if there was a chance they'd get back together, and said what he said to show that he isn't interested?

Either way, I hope this has opened your eyes that he is not your friend. If he was, he would have acknowledged how badly he treat you.

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