To feel as though me and DH are more like housemates?

[Knobblybobbly]

As the drudgery of life continues I’m feeling increasingly disconnected to my husband. Less like a marriage and more like housemates who are happy to take a wee in front of each other.

Both of us work full time in the NHS and during covid switched to do opposite shifts so we could better manage childcare. I do early’s and my husband does lates which means we barely physically see each other during the week, an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening max.

The weekends are full of grocery shopping, kids activities, housework and then crashing and sleeping as much as we can before it starts all over again.

Childcare/babysitting is a bit hit or miss but we’ve booked a date night for a few weeks time so that’s good I guess.

Obviously it’s been a difficult and unusual couple of years because work has been so much harder than usual. I think we have slipped into the habit of weekends being about prepping for the following week that no actual time is devoted to our relationship.

Unfortunately, we’re stuck in our current shift pattern so it’s only the weekends when we properly see each other.

Yet here we are, Saturday night again, and my husband is watching the boxing. I really don’t want to watch that so I’m upstairs watching a nice film. There’s no ill feeling, we are just both shattered and want to zone out watching something we enjoy.

The weeks and months have gone by in this way and, suddenly, it’s 1 year of barely spending time with each other.

I wondered if any other marriages have become like this? Maybe due to the pandemic or maybe not.

Is this normal? Is it a warning sign? What would you do to improve things?

I am, of course, aware that some spouses work away for weeks at a time and longer, say in the case of armed forces. So in comparison we have it easy. Really curious to know how this these couples stay feeling connected.

I'd get my groceries delivered for a start. I'd also look at the kid's activities and see if they were all absolutely needed. How many kids do you have, how old and what activities are they doing?

I'd see if I could get someone else to take them to one so DH and I could have a walk/go out for breakfast or coffee once a weekend.

DH and I don't like watching the same stuff on tv so never do apart from one show which we watch together weekly.

I don't really subscribe to the idea of having to watch films together if tastes differ...I get bored watching his crap and he thinks the same of mine.

But we try to walk together regularly which is nice.

No advice, but this is deeply relatable to me. Two working parents, three kids ages 4 and under. I’ve put it down to “phase of life”, but I can definitely go weeks without meaningful conversations with my DH, I have zero desire for sex 5 months postpartum, and while I don’t think our marriage is in crisis, I’m also not sure how to get back from here…

Solidarity!

Isn’t that just normal drudgery married with kids life? That’s why I don’t have either of them lol.

Hi Op, military spouse here, mrLeaf disappears for several months every few years….we get through it mainly by writing to one another to talk about our day (or whatever information he’s allowed to share). It’s really tough but it’s over in 6 months whereas the stress of your work situation has gone on for soo long, it’s no wonder you are both needing your down time. What helps us is booking a days annual leave while kids are in school…we can go out for brunch/ do something fun together like paddle boarding and no babysitter needed. Would something like that help maybe? The date night you’ve got planned is a really good idea

@SoniaFouler

Isn’t that just normal drudgery married with kids life? That’s why I don’t have either of them lol.

Lol no. Plenty of married couples with children manage to have some downtime together...even if it's just shared hobbies or walking!

It’s very common and do think Covid has made it more so. DH and I have had spells where I have felt this disconnect and that our only interaction was over the drudgery of our lives. That is because that was the only time we really did have together. The little bit of couple time we did have we were Both so worn out we couldn’t really be present.

The good news is it’s not too hard to come back from. You really do just need more time though. Look at outsourcing what chores you can. Look at your budget and decide if you both need to be working as many hours as you do. What would life be like at 80%? But mostly, the kids will get a bit older and child care won’t be such an issue and free time will start to come more easily.

Thank you for the lovely replies! I was braving myself for the ‘your marriage is doomed’ comments!!

Yes more planning and effort required. More of the basic jobs can be done during the week and I might look at professional baby sitters so we aren’t always relying on grandparents to get something more frequent. Even If we can walk the dog together, alone, on a Sunday, that would be time to actually talk without interruption.

I do seem to remember my mum saying the primary school years were the hardest for her and dad. My dad worked away all week and came home, exhausted, at the weekends. But it got easier, in general, as we got older and Dad did less work away. Thinking about it, she was really miserable back then. They’re still together now though, in their 70’s and very happy!

I’ve raised the subject with DH who disagrees that we are like housemates, and that things are ok and we’re doing the best we can. But I think we could do a bit better.

I get where you are coming from. I hope when the kids are older there will be more time for us....at the moment we do what we do......this weekend we have hardly spent any time together- yesterday I was mum taxi, last night I was vaguely supervising my daughter having a couple of friends over husband stayed in the bedroom. Today my husband is taking the oldest to the cinema- yes I really wanted to go too but we have 2 other kids that need sorting and my eldest needed a treat (first cinema trip in 2 years....). I think its normal at this stage in life.....I have friends with teenagers and they can go out together and the kids sort themselves.....our turn will come.

Is there any time/inclination for sex? It's trite but that makes a difference here. Sometimes it's a bit of an effort to stop what I'm doing, especially if I've just settled down with a book or a tv show but it is always worth it both as a couple bonding thing and as a physical stress relief ( I think it helps that dh doesn't pester but shows he wants me - that's a fine line I think).

DH and I don't have loads in common in terms of activity and things we enjoy so we find the most basic like getting sharing a chore or having a coffee together. Appreciate that's tough with such limited time but it really doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just being in the same room can help .

And it did get heaps better once the kids hit about yr 5 and so didn't need as much active parenting all day.

@RoyKentsHairyBack is it a bad sign if I say no, we aren’t really sexually active either.

This is 90% down to me though. I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last 5 years (6 stone) - so can’t blame covid for that - and I feel like I’m walking around in an entirely different body.

My sex drive has plummeted through the floor.

I do think, if I lost weight, a lot of things would automatically improve.

Op you really to need to reconnect sexually. What may be 'watching the boxing' will possibly be wanking and you need to be the one he does that with.

I'm not saying women should be offering themselves on a plate to keep their men happy but intimacy is a vital part of a healthy relationship.

If you've lost your confidence then make a plan, even walking every day will start to shift the pounds.

It is hard when kids are young but find a time, whether it's afternoons on your day off when the dc are at school and have sex!

@Knobblybobbly does your dh indicate he still finds you desirable? I bet he does and whilst I totally agree you should never have sex because you feel forced into it, put a little trust in him and let him show you.

I would also say I totally get the weight/different body thing. Got that t shirt. However it's the body you have and it's amazing. Don't wait to lose weight to feel that you 'deserve' to feel sexy. And again, hackneyed though this advice is - have a wank! No pressure from anyone else, reconnect in with your body in your own terms. I recommend a couple of episodes of Ted Lasso to get you started (that joke only makes sense if you get my username!)

We definitely went through long periods of no sex and for me no wanking. We were tired, disconnected, the kids got in the way and I especially was touched out. And we are talking lengthy periods like over 9 months. We did get it back. Then it went then it came back.

Honestly it's not just about sex but that oxytocin bond does help. Just having a cuddle helps.

Could you occasionally both take a day of leave during the week and have a day together doing something really nice? Also ensure that over the weekends you sit down to eat together at the table and talk.

It sounds a bit as if you are blaming your weight for everything that’s not going well. For sure get your head round getting fitter and healthier but alongside the other stuff.

Thank you so much for those replies.

He has never suggested he finds me less attractive. He has never even commented on my weight or suggested I need to lose weight. So the insecurity is all mine, and if I think about it I have been the one to pull away sexually.

I just feel so sluggish and…yucky.

I'm not going to vote YABU or YANBU but I am in a similar situation. I love my husband - after twenty plus years together I still look forward to seeing him at the end of a day, he's still the person that I feel most myself with. On the other hand there is little if any romantic spark any more and I can't remember the last time we had sex. It was definitely over a year ago. We hug and we kiss, we are still physical in that way but it's like there's an invisible boundary we don't cross now.

Our daughters are teenage and pre-teenage so the practical day-to-day childcare stuff is long in the past - but it's fair to say we don't have much time to ourselves. Our house is quite small and my husband has said in the past he struggles to get in the mood if we don't have the place completely to ourselves, which is almost never. And on the rare occasions we do, it's almost like there's too much pressure and expectation so we each seem to find excuses to avoid each other.

I go through phases of being more or less bothered by the situation. Mostly I tend to think/hope that when our daughters have grown up we might have a sort of 'third age' of our relationship when we discover each other again. It doesn't feel like it's over by any stretch, but I agree with your own assessment: we could do better!

Suggest you think about your weekends differently.
One day eg Saturday for chores divided up eg housework, shopping ferrying kids.
Then protect sundays as fun family time. It's not couple time but still helps with binging and also good for the kids

How old are your children?

Bonding not binging what is binging??