...to stop being the only one to make an effort?

[notthatcommon]

My family are few and far between and we're not entirely close. I have two brothers (adults), one single, the other married. My parents are divorced - I see/talk to my mother weekly, my dad maybe a few times a year.

Myself and my partner adopted this year. It's been a really tough process that went on for years and years and continues to be tough as we try to establish bonds and work out how we all work together.

My mum is a huge help - my brothers and father could not give a fuck. For years I've made the effort to check in, call, text, send cards and gifts (which I'm never thanked for). I rarely actually talk to them the first time, so leave messages and leave it a while before calling again.

Eventually I'll text saying I'm worried about them and need them to respond or I'm coming to their home, and this usually prompts a reaction.
They have yet to acknowledge I now have a child. I've sent photos and one of my brothers was initially interested and supportive - now we're back to the usual behaviour of silently ignoring contact.

They also treat my mum this way, but she doesn't feel able to say anything about it to my brothers as she's worried she'll completely lose contact.

I've decided if a pandemic and a child cannot provoke anything, it's a lost cause and I intend to stop trying to make contact, beyond a Christmas card. It makes me sad but I have bigger priorities now and I'm so tired of being treated like a mug. I also know if I stop contacting them, I'll likely never hear from them again.

A friend commented recently she thinks I'm making a mistake, blood is thicker than water etc. But it's a one sided relationship that leaves me hurt every single time.

YABU - keep the contact and suck it up.
YANBU - let them go.

Gosh, just give it up already. What are you even getting out of this (non) relationship apart from feeling hurt and let down constantly?

My DBs are no good at keeping contact. Not so much as a congrats on first baby from one. The others only because their DWs bought stuff and were interested.

But your DF seems quite distant - they are possibly just following his behaviour. It's sad for your DM though.

yanbu at all. However, I am wondering if you sent them a clear message outlining the hurt their behaviour has caused, and your intention to stop making the effort, would get a positive response from them? And if not, you can wash your hands of them knowing you tried everything possible to have a relationship

There are no voting buttons but you are not being unreasonable at all.

Keep up with those that try and keep up with you. Don’t bother yourself with the rest.

I’ve been on the receiving end of a few ‘blood is thicker than water’ telling offs too, OP. They really upset me initially and then later down the line I realised that nobody was sticking up for me the way they seemed to be sticking up for my family members, and that I needed to do that for myself. I think I’d be asking what exactly you gain from attempts to keep a relationship going.

I decided a long time ago that l was going to do the right thing to stay in touch with my dbs even if they never contacted me. If they do they do but l continue to do my bit no matter what as that's important to me. So l never get hurt . But it wouldn't go as far as me wondering were they dead or alive. They would rarely initiate contact but as soon as they hear from me they do reply. And their dc do acknowledge gifts. Yours sound really off. I would definitely make some comment on their poor response to your baby's arrival as that is a big event in the family and needs celebration.
You have 2 choices: cease all contact and accept that as the reality of your family...or decide to do things on your terms so expect nothing and you won't get hurt. If you feel you can't do the second just don't bother with them anymore. I wouldn't expect your dm to do the same as she will never want to completely cut off her sons.

In my experience people who cry 'blood is thicker than water' have very different relationships to those considering a step back. I have stepped back from a disinterested brother after years of the same. It's a relief, there is no expectation, no checking if he has read texts or liked posts, no grumbling about his rude behaviour. I stopped bothering and I doubt he has even noticed.

You have been trying to keep in contact for a long time, this is not some petty grievance or snub. It must be hurtful for you and your mum. It's sad your Father is not more interested in your child, I cannot imagine that indifference towards my child/grandchild.

Keep the door open but stop sticking your head through the window. Send a Christmas card wishing them well and concentrate on your new family and your mum.

Good luck OP

They possibly want to cut or reduce contact. Just let them. They know where you are if they want to get in touch. Less stress for everyone.

I think there is a societal expectation that keeping up up family connections is a woman's job- that goes for birthday, Christmas and everything in between.
In families where men outnumber women, this becomes more obvious.
Obviously there are exceptions, but generally speaking that seems to be how the world works. So it's your choice whether you want to continue to make the effort, or not.
Added to that is the fact that some people just don't see adopted children as being part of their family, and just are not interested in them in the way they might be with blood relatives.
Combine these 2 viewpoints together and you have your current situation.
An earlier poster suggested you should tell them how much you are hurt by their failure to initiate contact, and then wait and see. I think that's a good idea, at least then you will know whether it's intentional, and whether to persist.

When I realised that it was ok not to like my siblings and tolerate their behaviour just because ‘blood is thicker than water’, it was very liberating!

I have one lovely sibling but the others are only interested in money/presents. I no longer bother with them and I’m LC, almost NC.

Yanbu.

I would scale it back to a Christmas card only.

Leave them to their lives and their choice not to keep in touch.

I do not see ANY value in remaining in touch with anyone that doesn't wish to make an effort.

Focus your energy and efforts on your own family and mother.

Best of luck.

I think there is a societal expectation that keeping up up family connections is a woman's job- that goes for birthday, Christmas and everything in between

I think it is women that think "keeping up family connections" is even a job that needs doing.

Men contact someone if/when they actually want to speak to them. Men can go ten years without speaking to someone, then if circumstances cause them to meet again, resume the relationship as if nothing has happened. Men don't sit around wondering what it means if someone hasn't contacted them for X amount of time, because in their world it doesn't mean anything.

Also, as is often said on here, almost no-one is particularly interested in anyone else's children, however they came by them.

"Men contact someone if/when they actually want to speak to them. Men can go ten years without speaking to someone, then if circumstances cause them to meet again, resume the relationship as if nothing has happened. Men don't sit around wondering what it means if someone hasn't contacted them for X amount of time, because in their world it doesn't mean anything."

This might be the case for some men, but I know male friends, and male relatives of friends who aren't like this, and my partner isn't either. So the blanket excuse of "it's just men" is BS, in my opinion.

I would definitely pull back. Enjoy parenthood, enjoy the support and love of your mom, and accept you have done all you can.

People telling you that blood is thicker etc are telling the wrong person. You sweated enough of it already trying to keep up one end of the relationship. Time for the parties on the other end to work at it, and if they can't be bothered, tough. I question how much it would even bother them, so what do your unhelpful friends even mean? Who, precisely, are you depriving of what?

I loved the saying I first came across on here: "Blood is thicker than water, but that just means it makes more of a mess on the carpet".

@SoniaFouler

Gosh, just give it up already. What are you even getting out of this (non) relationship apart from feeling hurt and let down constantly?

What am I getting? I have four living relatives in my life, so it's not a straightforward decision to end contact with three of them.

Hi OP, I don't think you should cut them off. 2 wrongs don't make it a right. By all means express your displeasure, but you will not be happier cutting them off. And cutting off means cutting off the chance for things to be better. We all for one reason or another don't always meet everyone's expectations. Hate to say it but men are more likely to not make as much effort, but that's not an excuse. What it highlights is all parents should be teaching their kids how to maintain ties with family. Set an example to your lovely children, it will pay off in the future. And think about future weddings / funerals not just at what is happening now. You're in a good place in your life right now, what if life gets a bit shit and you just want to see / talk to your family? Cutting them off will limit any chance of that. MN is good at telling people to go NC but they're not there when you're lonely. In the UK we are often isolated as it for various reasons, we all need to try harder at maintaining relationships, not just when it's fair weathered.

And just to add, it's good that you do reach out. I'm sure they appreciate it. Definitely bring it up with them and give them time to reflect. Chances are things will go back to old ways but you never know they might just realise their mistake. And tell them blood is thicker than water, but it will thin out if its not nourished.