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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stubborn or reasonable?

8 replies

CAS56 · 09/10/2021 13:05

So, this morning my partner got up to make coffee and feed our dogs. He shouted up at my asking why I hadn't told him I was cleaning the kettle. I headed down to say that I had told him and an argument started him saying I hadn't and me saying I did.......

background to the kettle cleaning - last night we had been to the cinema and when we got home one of our dogs had been really ill (smell was awful) so in between cleaning up the mess I put white vinegar in the kettle to descale over night and to try to mask the smell a little.......

Back to the argument and after several I did tell you/not you didn't, he said I'm not a f*#king idiot. It shocked me and replied with why would I make this up and said that he remembers it one way, I remember it another. It then got heated and I walked away.

I started thinking that it's two people who remember things differently and can move past it if both parties accept that they remembered it their way, which doesn't make them right or wrong - it just is.

I tried to speak with my partner about this, also asking why it was an issue with cleaning the kettle - even if he didn't know and why he would say he's not a f@*k idiot, but just got back that he was right and I hadn't told him, no matter what I thought I had said. I continued with asking why would it not be ok to view it that way and got told he was over it and not to continue.

His answer is that what happened this morning is nothing and I need to drop it. He is now carrying on as if the argument never happened and is happily going about his day.

AIBU by wanting to work this through with him? The easy solution would be to either ignore or concede - but I know that always come back to bite. Or am I being stubborn (it's a trait I have, am working on being more aware of it and being more reasonable) and difficult with my approach or wanting to work it out - and really should follow his lead to just drop and forget about it?

OP posts:
Fdksyihfd · 09/10/2021 13:11

Me and DH have had many of these arguments and it’s taken a while for us to just learn to concede that we remember things differently; probably more for me as I’m always intent that I did tell him something.
I’m not sure we’ve ever had a proper conversation to agree to disagree on these things but more so on my part I’ve learnt to let it go

vivainsomnia · 09/10/2021 13:14

My God, you sound hard work. The same happened with my OH last week. I was waiting for him to say thank you about something I did for him. It wasn't coming so I said it would have been nice to have a thank you. He said he did.

I was doubtful that was true as I expect I would have heard it but my gosh, not worth challenging further. We clearly moved in from it.

I can't imagine a relationship when you spend hours debating, dissecting, desperately trying to prove the other wrong. Sounds exhauating.

Blackberrybunnet · 09/10/2021 13:15

id he'd called you a f'king idiot I could see there would be an issue. he didn't. Get over it. Choose your battles.

LakeShoreD · 09/10/2021 13:29

Omg it’s a bloody kettle, the pettiest of petty arguments. You’d been out late, get home tired to find a sick pet and a load of mess. It’s not that surprising you remember it differently, not to mention that you could both be right if you did say about the kettle but he simply didn’t hear you because he was dealing with something else. If he’s generally a normal, reasonable person then he wouldn’t have asked this morning if he’d heard you say it last night. If that’s literally it and there’s not a history of frequent gaslighting or arsey behaviour from him then drop it and move on, this level of analysis from you sounds exhausting.

CAS56 · 09/10/2021 13:35

Thank you for the feedback - I know I can be difficult and hard work at times and I want to learn how to be better in a relationship.

I think I do need to think about choosing the battles and legging things go.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 09/10/2021 13:39

I live by myself - but If I leave limescale remover in the kettle, I leave the kettle in a completely different place and stand the bottle of descaler next to it - so that I don't forget.

SouthsideSally · 09/10/2021 13:42

There a couple of things to consider -

How people handle small disagreements is very much indicative of how they will handle bigger and more important ones.

Beyond the actual issue of two people remembering things differently, he seemed angry with you for not telling him you were cleaning the kettle. This seems more off than the misremembering. Why would you need to tell him? It seems that he wanted to make a coffee and because it involved an extra bit of work he got annoyed. The normal and reasonable reaction would be to simply rinse it and move on.

TheAverageUser · 09/10/2021 13:59

I'd let it go. I don't even know what you'd "work through" if you remember it differently and it's really minor.

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